Newly admitted addict-leave now or wait

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has been in a rocky marriage for over 10 years. They have a child in early elementary school. No infidelity that she knows of. But he is very selfish, argumentative, arrogant, chronic unemployment / underemployment (mostly due to his bad attitude ) and overall not a great husband. But she kept sticking it out for the kid (and doesn't want to be *divorced*).

But he's just admitted that he has an opioid addiction and needs help. She's realizing that she doesn't have it in her to support him as he deals with his addiction; there just isn't anything left in the tank. She knows that overcoming and addiction is tough and you need supportive people around you. She's just too angry and tired to be that person.

She's pretty sure she is going to leave him. But the question is when should she do it? Now before he gets clean or after? Looks like they can't afford rehab , so he's doing an outpatient program and may move home to his parents for a little while to get his head on straight.

What should she do?

[Anonymous]

She should speak with an attorney, and a financial planner, and a counselor (if she isn't already).

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I wouldn't lay this on him just AFTER his addiction program ends. Better to do it before I think, so he can start to deal with it during the program, or to stick it out longer with him if she can. jmho.

[Anonymous]

She should stick it out if she can. Her child will suffer. She can give hard consequences etc. but the best future for the kid is having a clean dad and a dad in the picture. Not dead, addicted or absent.
She can't be a doormat, but should try again

[Anonymous]

I vote for leave now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should stick it out if she can. Her child will suffer. She can give hard consequences etc. but the best future for the kid is having a clean dad and a dad in the picture. Not dead, addicted or absent.
She can't be a doormat, but should try again

I agree. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My husband was always employed, and getting back to work has been a big motivator for him. But we had been married for three years, two little kids, he had been a jerk for a year or so, and I find out he has an IV opiate addiction. We did what your friend is doing. Couldn't afford rehab, so he did outpatient care. He relapsed. I don't even know how long he was sober. I was in such denial about the whole thing. Two years later, it came up again. This time he lost his job, and we were forced to take it seriously. We had three kids by then. He went to rehab. I had to tell a lot of people because he was gone, I had to go back to work, and I needed help with the kids.
Rehab was a life changing experience for him. Not only did he get sober (and he has remained sober...I ask him to test sometimes as does his job), but he became a much better husband and father. He works on his anger now, never yells at the kids or me, and is really back to being the guy I fell in love with. He has been sober for four years now, and we have a really great family.
At the time everyone found out, my friends and family told me to divorce him, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Like your friend, I was exhausted. But I also thought there was a chance that all of the really hard stuff, all the living with his addiction, was over, and if I made it through that, I could make it through recovery. Also, the kids needed their dad, and he had a much better chance of making it if we stayed married. I told him that I would give him one chance. That I was not going to be in a relationship where he was always keeping secrets from me, and we were fighting and begging him to get sober. It was scary for those first couple of years. I knew that at any point, he could come home and tell me that he had used, and that would be it.
But now I am so glad that I am with him. He is a great husband and a wonderful father (we have five kids now). My friends and parents who suggested divorce at the time agree now that it wasn't the right decision.
My best wishes to your friend. If he is serious about quitting, she should think about giving him a chance. It maybe the turning point in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here- if this was just an addiction issue, I would encourage her to stay. But he is an all around asshole even before the addiction issue. I don't know if he'd be a different better guy once he gets sober or not.

And how can you be supportive when you are just so angry?

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is a right solution, OP, I really don't. We don't have a crystal ball into the future, and even if we had, all we would see is the reality they both chose, not the reality that could have been.

The best I can offer is that your friend must take the time to think, and not jump to a decision. She mustn't go by an external deadline, but by her own timeline, for which she answers to no one.

[Anonymous]

If she's sure she doesn't have it in her to try again, she needs to get her ducks in a row and formally separate when he's staying with his parents. That way he's not completely without support. Complicated situation, though, I am not saying it'll be easy...

[Anonymous]

Addicts don't get better. They just learn to live with their cravings.

[Anonymous]

She should kick his ass out, tell him she can reconsider if he can show sobriety for a long period. And meanwhile, hes out living at his parents.

But in reality, secretly, if i were her id plan to never take him back. Relapse is part of recovery. He could be on/off drugs another 10-20 years, and it would be harder on the child. But the lie would help get him out of the house and into recovery if he wants to even get clean.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him now... take everything you can. There is not such thing as "sticking it out" or "loyalty" any longer. Its all about being married when times are good! My ex left me after a layoff. No issues other than she didn't want to stick around while I looked for work. It was easier for her to take the house, the 401K, the kids, the saving and leave me homeless. You should try the same thing. It worked out great for my ex. 5 years on and I'm still trying to cope with all the loss. Hey, I'm sure that either he will overcome his addiction on his own with out her or this total lack of loyalty will send him totally over the edge. Ether way.... she doesn't have to deal with it. On the plus side, if he overcomes the addiction then she can always come back to him later. That's what my ex tried to do once I found a new job. She started being nice and "checking up" on me within a month of me finding a new job. I wish your friend the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him now... take everything you can. There is not such thing as "sticking it out" or "loyalty" any longer. Its all about being married when times are good! My ex left me after a layoff. No issues other than she didn't want to stick around while I looked for work. It was easier for her to take the house, the 401K, the kids, the saving and leave me homeless. You should try the same thing. It worked out great for my ex. 5 years on and I'm still trying to cope with all the loss. Hey, I'm sure that either he will overcome his addiction on his own with out her or this total lack of loyalty will send him totally over the edge. Ether way.... she doesn't have to deal with it. On the plus side, if he overcomes the addiction then she can always come back to him later. That's what my ex tried to do once I found a new job. She started being nice and "checking up" on me within a month of me finding a new job. I wish your friend the best!

Dude, it's not even possible for a divorce to grant someone the kids and ALL of the marital assets as you listed, unless it was a prenup, and even then only if she came into the marriage with all the assets. So you're lying, for one. And for two, if you think your wife left you just because you were laid off, then you were too dumb to listen to her when she was trying to talk to you about what was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him now... take everything you can. There is not such thing as "sticking it out" or "loyalty" any longer. Its all about being married when times are good! My ex left me after a layoff. No issues other than she didn't want to stick around while I looked for work. It was easier for her to take the house, the 401K, the kids, the saving and leave me homeless. You should try the same thing. It worked out great for my ex. 5 years on and I'm still trying to cope with all the loss. Hey, I'm sure that either he will overcome his addiction on his own with out her or this total lack of loyalty will send him totally over the edge. Ether way.... she doesn't have to deal with it. On the plus side, if he overcomes the addiction then she can always come back to him later. That's what my ex tried to do once I found a new job. She started being nice and "checking up" on me within a month of me finding a new job. I wish your friend the best!

I'm sorry you went through this. But my friend has been sticking it out and been very loyal for over a decade. This is not a one time thing. Just recently she had surgery. When she got home at with strict instructions to take it easy and stay on top of her pain meds, he took off to hang out with friends. Leaving her to take care of their child (make dinner and put to bed) and not able to take her pain medication. He did the same thing the next day. But if he has a cold, she can't leave his side.

She's just so tired of supporting him while he is so selfish and only thinks he of himself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should stick it out if she can. Her child will suffer. She can give hard consequences etc. but the best future for the kid is having a clean dad and a dad in the picture. Not dead, addicted or absent.
She can't be a doormat, but should try again

I agree. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My husband was always employed, and getting back to work has been a big motivator for him. But we had been married for three years, two little kids, he had been a jerk for a year or so, and I find out he has an IV opiate addiction. We did what your friend is doing. Couldn't afford rehab, so he did outpatient care. He relapsed. I don't even know how long he was sober. I was in such denial about the whole thing. Two years later, it came up again. This time he lost his job, and we were forced to take it seriously. We had three kids by then. He went to rehab. I had to tell a lot of people because he was gone, I had to go back to work, and I needed help with the kids.
Rehab was a life changing experience for him. Not only did he get sober (and he has remained sober...I ask him to test sometimes as does his job), but he became a much better husband and father. He works on his anger now, never yells at the kids or me, and is really back to being the guy I fell in love with. He has been sober for four years now, and we have a really great family.
At the time everyone found out, my friends and family told me to divorce him, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Like your friend, I was exhausted. But I also thought there was a chance that all of the really hard stuff, all the living with his addiction, was over, and if I made it through that, I could make it through recovery. Also, the kids needed their dad, and he had a much better chance of making it if we stayed married. I told him that I would give him one chance. That I was not going to be in a relationship where he was always keeping secrets from me, and we were fighting and begging him to get sober. It was scary for those first couple of years. I knew that at any point, he could come home and tell me that he had used, and that would be it.
But now I am so glad that I am with him. He is a great husband and a wonderful father (we have five kids now). My friends and parents who suggested divorce at the time agree now that it wasn't the right decision.
My best wishes to your friend. If he is serious about quitting, she should think about giving him a chance. It maybe the turning point in their marriage.

I am married to an alcoholic who has been sober for over 40 years. He is the kindest, sweetest man i have ever had a relationship with. When he tells me about his behavior while he was drinking, i find it very hard to believe. On the bad side, he divorced his first wife about 15 years after he stopped. He says that she couldn't get past his drinking behavior.