Not Interested Grandparents . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other side of the story

We have 4 grandkids, two we have never seen, two that don't remember who we are. My son chose this so be it.

But one day they may come knocking, wanting to know things and the truth will be spoken. One is already curious.

Don't wait for that day, it may not come. Live your life, and don't leave anything to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other side of the story

We have 4 grandkids, two we have never seen, two that don't remember who we are. My son chose this so be it.

But one day they may come knocking, wanting to know things and the truth will be spoken. One is already curious.

Don't wait for that day, it may not come. Live your life, and don't leave anything to him.

+1 Move on with your life. If your children are keeping your grandchildren from you, there is probably very good reason. People do not make these decisions lightly. I know, being in the situation myself. My son is a baby right now, but we plan on explaining why we do not have contact with my parents to him using age appropriate language as he gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are divorced and are simply not that interested in my kids - now almost in high school. We do live on opposite coasts and I make it a point to fly out at least once a year - although I missed last year. My mom's husband's daughter was getting married the same time we visit so I wanted to give them space. I have never met the daughter and we were not invited to the wedding. My parents never come out to visit me. They do travel to Europe, caribbean cruises and around the country though. My sister has kids and she experiences the same thing. Both my sister and I are financially independent and have not received any money from our parents since college.

It has taken me many years to process this - it is actually very hurtful and painful. But you don't get to pick your parents and they were sort of not that interested in being parents either now that I look back on my childhood. But they seem happy with their lives so that makes me feel better.

Anyway, I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day - planning the yearly trip out to visit them (at great expense to me but I do it.) When my mom starts talking about how amazing it is to be a grandparent and what special relationships she has with her grandchildren. She has not seen or spoken to my kids in two years. Could it be that my mom actually thinks she is an involved grandparent?

She's in denial about what horrible parents and grand parents they are. Mine were worse, mother had no interest in her grand kids. Our divorced dad re-married someone 20 years younger. They traveled just like yours and probably came to see me and my kids 3 times in 15 years. They did send money around birthdays and Christmas for the kids, but that was pretty much it. I probably visited them about 5 times when my dad was alive, only so kids would feel like they had some family. When he died he left our family vacation condo to her as well as their expensive home. The condo was suppose to go to us, oh well I knew as soon as he put her name on it.

On the upside all us kids are great parents to our children and very involved. I see families going on cruises together, vacations, and grand-parents helping pay for college and seeing each other often. OP I would suggest stopping those visits or scaling them down. Talk to your mother carefully at least to hint how she could be a better parent. I would suggest a family cruise, see what she does with that; lol. They're retired, why doesn't she come 2 or 3 times a years...especially since they can afford it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. that is hurtful, and I agree with other posters who say she is delusional and I basically believe selfish. here's an idea -- how about adopt foster grandparents? Are there seniors in your family or in your community who maybe have a lot of love to share but not much family around? Of course you have to make sure you are comfortable with these people -- probably someone you already know -- and visit them often and call them Nana and Pops or whatever? I just really feel that some people should not deserve the designation grandparents, while others do, and yet they don't have grandchildren. In our case, I know I would pick certain day care teachers we've kept in touch with my whole daughters' lives. In my culture (Indian) we often refer to great aunts as our grandmothers as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the resentment of them not giving you money. You said that you are financially independent. Why would they be giving you money?

Is this an American thing? Do most people feel entitled to continued funds from their parents AND some sort of inheritance. This is not the norm where I am from.

I fully expect my parents to spend all of their money on themselves and not to leave us anything other than memories of a great childhood.

OP Here - I expect that as well - I just wondered if anyone else out there had parents who just did not seem that interested in being grandparents. It feels like a rejection -


And I do remember to count my blessings that my parents are very well off financially. I can focus my earnings on building net worth and I don't have to plan to take care of parents financially.

Good post OP, I sure wouldn't help them. They can get a long term care policy since they're so well off. Do they ever offer to pay for your flights etc. since you are the one making the effort to see them? That just amazes me. We do well, and I plan to take my kids and grand-kids on a cruise every 2 years. I will also help pay for their college because I'm grateful to have such great kids.

[Anonymous]

I was in the exact same situation and it took me years to come to grips with it.

Divorced parents who live alone and grandfather very interested in grand-kids. Spends lots of time with them. Reality is that he was only on OK father and is a much better grandfather.

Mother is strange bird when it comes to her grandchildren. She is on social media (mostly facebook) and follows posts about kids and the kids pages themselves. Kids used to call her once a week but she never called them. [ie it was a one way street]. I stopped forcing kids to call and they speak a couple of times a year at best. If you talked to her however she is a great grandmother and has a "special" relationship with my daughter. I know thats not true, 14 yar old daughter knows its not true.

I tried a number of times to tell her that her behavior was not that of a loving grandmother. She said that it was a great relationship from her prospective and had no desire to change it.

O'h well she is missing out as far as I'm concerned but once I let it go I felt a whole lot better.

[Anonymous]

I've had to come to grips that none of the grandparents (4 sets thanks to divorce) are interested in being grandparents.

1- suffers from depression badly. She's incredibly difficult to be around. We fly her down occasionally b/c she otherwise could not afford it. So, she has some medical and financial issues that she can't help.
2- PLENTY of time and money but they simply choose to travel, redo their kitchen, spend time with local grandchildren from DH's step-siblings.
3- My mother can afford to come and has no obligations other than PT work. She chooses not to but LOVES to post about her grandkids on FB. How "special" they are and she loves being a grandparent. Ok . . . .
4- the last set is irrelevant b/c the parents are abusive (literally) and we don't see them.

Forget money. We long ago learned that we could not depend on any of our parents for financial assistance. And that's fine. Though it is hard when friends are getting trips paid for and money gifted to them regularly. That will just never be us. The bigger gripe is that they crow about being grandparents but never see the kids here. I had such a close relationship with my grandparents and, even though my kids don't know any different, it makes me sad and pissed that they are missing out on that.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similar. Rarely comes to visit, and about the time we had kids, she moved to the middle of nowhere, a 7 hour drive from the nearest airport, so getting kids there is a nightmare. And still, we did it on a regular basis, for a long time. The last straw for me was last year, when we planned a family vacation to go see my sister, out on the opposite coast from me. We were planning to meet at a resort town an hour south of my sister. I took the kids out of school for two weeks to do it. At the last minute, my mom, stepdad and sister decided not to drive the extra hour and left us hanging on Thanksgiving. After that I told them that we're no longer coming to visit, and won't ever arrange any vacations together again, but that they were welcome to come visit us anytime. We recently spent a lot of money building a nice guest suite so they could comfortably come visit. But more than a year later, it's clear that she has no intention of coming out to visit. Also she never calls me, which I only really realized when I stopped calling and we stopped talking. She is an avid Facebook poster, though, and if you read her posts, you'd think that we were bosom buddies and she was super close to the grandkids. Ha ha.

So all that said, my therapist has been trying to work with me to gently point out that my mom is not the supermom that she makes herself out to be and that I believed she was, and I'm starting to see it. It's heartbreaking, but at least I can stop throwing myself at her feet now. OP, you might eventually just have to come to terms with it, as well.

[Anonymous]

I would stop the visits, tell them in no uncertain terms that they are the ones that can afford to visit and you cannot.

I would hint around or post on FB about so and so's parents who take them on their vacations, are helping pay for grand-kids college. And what great grand-parents they are and how you plan to be the same way to your grand-kids. Big Hint! If not FB I would tell your parents. Another thing if you are taking the time to fly to see them, they should at least pay for the tickets or offer especially since they are well off.

My aunt and uncle were wealthy like my parents, they gifted all three kids throughout their lives, gave one a condo when they upscaled to nicer one in FL. They and their spouses always met there for vacations between the 2 condos. My aunt bought her youngest a home near her for he and his wife because a business he co-owned started to do poorly in "05". They couldn't afford the big nice homes that my other 2 cousins had. This family was always close, whereas my wealthy parents did very little. In fact they were embarrassing, few visits and little gifts around the holidays...that was it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop the visits, tell them in no uncertain terms that they are the ones that can afford to visit and you cannot.

I would hint around or post on FB about so and so's parents who take them on their vacations, are helping pay for grand-kids college. And what great grand-parents they are and how you plan to be the same way to your grand-kids. Big Hint! If not FB I would tell your parents. Another thing if you are taking the time to fly to see them, they should at least pay for the tickets or offer especially since they are well off.

My aunt and uncle were wealthy like my parents, they gifted all three kids throughout their lives, gave one a condo when they upscaled to nicer one in FL. They and their spouses always met there for vacations between the 2 condos. My aunt bought her youngest a home near her for he and his wife because a business he co-owned started to do poorly in "05". They couldn't afford the big nice homes that my other 2 cousins had. This family was always close, whereas my wealthy parents did very little. In fact they were embarrassing, few visits and little gifts around the holidays...that was it.

I really disagree about dropping hints as all this is a passive aggressive way of doing things. Instead be honest when and if asked a question or if you sense that "hints" are being dropped in your direction.

For example, it used to anger me that my mother never called my kids or me for that matter. Instead I just stopped calling her as often. After a couple of months she at one point said "you don't seem to be calling as often". I responded that I call anytime I have the time and that she should do the same. Does it stop the behavior? NO! Nor will dropping hints or anything else.

Recognize that your parents (like everyone) are flawed people and that oftentimes they are very different from you. They can have personalities that you would not choose to be friends with combined with some parents have the attitude that you are not an adult and that they know best. Also some parents become increasingly crotchety, set in their ways and just negative in general.

Unfortunately I have to treat my mother like the crazy relative that she is. I know that she will never change, she drives me a bit crazy but I will miss the old bird when she is gone.

[Anonymous]

Hints is another way of telling them without having to offend them. You can tell them directly how you feel, but you don't have to continue to be the one to always call or visit. Yes you can change your behavior, move on if they aren't interested in you or your kids. I had to years ago, from my entire family. A older sister, we do the obligation calls but she's only visited probably 3 times in 20 years, lol. Same with a older brother, finally I gave up being the one to fly and pay. The last straw was flying in for a nieces wedding. We booked a hotel they told us to book because we would all be together (like family). They ended up booking at another hotel, nicer at the last minute...unbelievable.

I haven't been back since. Sister's husband ended up dying a few years after that from a stroke. Another daughter moved to Europe, she basically is alone and burned her bridges.