Not Interested Grandparents . . .
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Anonymous
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My parents are divorced and are simply not that interested in my kids - now almost in high school. We do live on opposite coasts and I make it a point to fly out at least once a year - although I missed last year. My mom's husband's daughter was getting married the same time we visit so I wanted to give them space. I have never met the daughter and we were not invited to the wedding. My parents never come out to visit me. They do travel to Europe, caribbean cruises and around the country though. My sister has kids and she experiences the same thing. Both my sister and I are financially independent and have not received any money from our parents since college.
It has taken me many years to process this - it is actually very hurtful and painful. But you don't get to pick your parents and they were sort of not that interested in being parents either now that I look back on my childhood. But they seem happy with their lives so that makes me feel better. Anyway, I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day - planning the yearly trip out to visit them (at great expense to me but I do it.) When my mom starts talking about how amazing it is to be a grandparent and what special relationships she has with her grandchildren. She has not seen or spoken to my kids in two years. Could it be that my mom actually thinks she is an involved grandparent? |
Anonymous
| Yes she probably does. Some people are not as introspective or self-improving as others. I have the same situation with my mom, although we live 45 minutes away from each other. She sees my kids once every 2 months for lunch. Sucks. Sorry OP. Are your husband's parents any better? |
Anonymous
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OP, count your blessings. It seems like you have the best of two worlds. Your mother is happy with the situation, and you don't have to work to facilitate things.
My mother is a crazy involved grandparent to the point of annoying me. It would have been fine, but I have to do a lot of adjusting to make sure the logistics of her involvement go smoothly. It has to be done, but it's tiring. I'd rather she conveniently forgot about us for a bit LOL |
Anonymous
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I grew up far away (overseas) from my grandparents, only saw them every 3-4 years. Phone calls were rare (expensive and bad connections) and I wasn't fluent in the only language one if them spoke. I still felt close to them and loved them.
They may have different ideas of how the grandparent relationship should work. Or they may be narcissists. |
Anonymous
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Dh and I moved to the other coast when I was pregnant with DC 1. Nearly 15 years later and another DC, my parents have visited three times. It is not like they can't afford to travel or are too old. They flew to Tahiti and South AMerica recently. THey are simply "busy." FOr one year she used the excuse that she has to paint the kitchen ceiling.
I have a feeling my mother expects me to care for her when she can no longer do that. I have half heartily joked that she better "invest" in our relationship (and come spend time with us and her grandchildren) or I will put her in a home. No change in their visits other than I forsee myself not feeling the least bit guilt when I too, have no time to visit her. |
Anonymous
| Not really a consolation, but I know parents who act like this to their kids. Sad. |
Anonymous
It's hard for me not to think that your mother doesn't remember you have kids - because I'm projecting. My father died when I was 20 and my mother remarried when I was 26 to a man she'd known for 20 years. He was divorced with 6 kids and his youngest was about my age (I'm the youngest of 4). I'd met a couple of his kids prior to the wedding and the rest at the wedding. I don't think I ever saw them again. My mother made it a point not to have us at any events with them. As with my father, the man in her life because the center of her universe. Rather, the man in her life and his kids became the center of her world. I could regale you with tales of our second class status. I think one of the most striking is that when her DH died, my mother not only didn't tell us when his celebration of life service was (our maternal grandmother told us) but she told 2 of my siblings and I not to come (the fourth had made it known years before he was done trying to have a relationship with her). Another one, she had asked us to come visit for a week one summer. We settled on the week months in advance. Two weeks before we were supposed to drive out (it's a 12 hour drive), she causally mentions that she's not going to be there when we come to visit. She'd be 2 hours away babysitting for one of her dead husband's sons. The son and his DW wanted to take a little getaway and asked if she could babysit. She told me we were still welcome to come. I told her there was no point. It's not like there's much to do in my hometown and the point of the trip was to visit with her. I cancelled the trip. We went to Williamsburg instead. What really gets me is that everyone thinks she's amazing. So kind, so giving, a real do-gooder. They can't believe her own kids have so little to do with her. Why, they didn't even come to support her when her husband died! Whatever. Sorry to go off. Your post struck a nerve, obviously. |
Anonymous
This is my mother and how she describes her relationship with me. She's delusional. She was very neglectful and emotionally abusive to me growing up but thinks we are so close. She knows nothing about my life. Seriously, the woman doesn't even know where/how I got engaged or that I had a c section. Luckily she lives 800 miles away so I rarely have to see her. I text her photos of my kid and that's about it. |
Anonymous
| They sound self centered. They divorced (putting their needs ahead of staying together for their kids), they are travelling around, and they don't bother to visit you. Yes, that sounds like it stinks and is hurtful. Then your mom gloats about how great her relationships are with her grandkids. I think she is telling herself what she wants to believe (wishful thinking), but it sounds like she's being phony and that in fact it's the opposite. You haven't even met your step sister and you're not part of that circle. I think what happens when people divorce is that there are just too many relationships to maintain and it gets complicated and then each relationship is weakened because the time together has to be split between all the different factions. That's my theory anyway. |
Anonymous
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Similar situation here. My mom has made excuses for not visiting or scheduling visits months in advance because: tree guys need to come, someone needs to come to check something in the crawl space, kitchen might need to be redone, etc. Theoretical chores with no set date take precedence over family visits. She also whines and throws little tantrums if I don't call frequently enough, but when I tell her that she could just call me she makes up a million excuses about how she's too busy to talk on the phone.
It's better that she doesn't visit because when she does its all about her and she ignores my kids. I wish I could hear how she describes the visits to her friends back home! |
Anonymous
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OP - I am glad I am not alone in this. Thanks for sharing your stories.
The story about the second class status also felt very familiar. It gets tiresome to read email after email about how much my parents do for their step kids. As far as my parents being selfish, I remember my senior year in college, an Ivy, being called into the dean's office because the tuition payment was not made. My divorced parents had been fighting over how much each would pay - it was a couple of thousand dollars. Both had the money and they both decided neither would pay. I just took out an extra loan to make sure I could graduate. To be clear, my reference to attending an Ivy League college was to emphasize how embarrassing it is, in a school of tremendous wealth to be summoned to the dean to be told your parents are delinquent in paying tuition. And to be told that I may not be able to graduate. But luckily, I was a senior and could just borrow it. Now as a parent, I can not even imagine putting my children in a situation like that. Of course, my parents brag all the time about how their two kids when to ivy league schools - which is both obnoxious and implies that they were great and involved parents who did something "right." Nope. |
Anonymous
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The other side of the story
We have 4 grandkids, two we have never seen, two that don't remember who we are. My son chose this so be it. But one day they may come knocking, wanting to know things and the truth will be spoken. One is already curious. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand the resentment of them not giving you money. You said that you are financially independent. Why would they be giving you money?
Is this an American thing? Do most people feel entitled to continued funds from their parents AND some sort of inheritance. This is not the norm where I am from. I fully expect my parents to spend all of their money on themselves and not to leave us anything other than memories of a great childhood. |
Anonymous
OP Here - I expect that as well - I just wondered if anyone else out there had parents who just did not seem that interested in being grandparents. It feels like a rejection - And I do remember to count my blessings that my parents are very well off financially. I can focus my earnings on building net worth and I don't have to plan to take care of parents financially. |
Anonymous
| When Grandma can't be bothered http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/fashion/05grandparents-1.html?pagewanted=1&_r=4&hp |