Separation/divorce and mother's day
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Anonymous
Well, it sounds like the gift is important to the kid, which makes it important. |
Anonymous
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I don't care about a gift, but kids do. At appropriate ages I have asked for - handmade cards, handmade gifts (like looped potholders), "gift certificates" for back rubs or singing me songs or telling me jokes, given money to them to go off and buy me something at the mall together while I have a coffee nearby (Lush soaps), given them gift cards to shop online, asked for "playlists" of their music I might like, breakfast in bed (even if it's nutella on untoasted bread), etc.
We also don't emphasize the day itself - Mother's Day is Sunday but if we have to do it Sat, that's OK. Christmas is the 25th, but if you're not with me, we're going to have Christmas on a different day with all our same traditions. I help them buy something for Father's Day (card and/or gift for under $20) and make sure they are with him on that day if he wants, even if he doesn't return the favor. He and I do not exchange birthday or Christmas gifts, but IMO that is the new wife's job. |
Anonymous
It sounds like there are two different things going on here. 1 - you two have spent the holiday together in year's past but will not this year 2 - your ex has helped your daughter buy a present for you in the past but...isn't this year? I can't tell what exactly it is that's upsetting your daughter here. Your ex told you to make your own plans...for what? How to spend the day? Or getting your daughter to get you a gift? If it's how to spend the day, then I think that's normal. My husband has never spent a holiday with his ex. But if it was b/c he said he wasn't going to help her buy a gift (which isn't clear from your post), then I'd suggest talking to him and letting him know that it's important to your daughter that he help her buy a gift. If that doesn't work, go with the other suggestions where you forego gifts altogether unless they're homemade and start a new tradition of just spending the day together. |
Anonymous
We have celebrated them separately always (since the initial separation when DC was an infant). Most divorced families I know do it this way, but it's great if families can do holidays together in a positive way. A recently divorced friend opted out of Mother's Day. It was a bit shocking, but she traded it for an extra weekend of her choosing. In a way, this is smart as Mother's Day often means crowded, overpriced brunches. Instead, she has booked herself an at home full-body massage. The only thing I dislike about separate celebrations is that DC doesn't see my dad on Father's Day or my ex's mom on Mother's Day. I can't say how ex handles this, but his mom has politely turned down all invites to join us for brunch. I get it. My ex always thinks she is taking "my side" when really she has just backed me only when he has been absolutely ridiculous. I make sure she sees DC on her (grandma's) birthday which is not written into our agreement. |
Anonymous
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OP here - thank you for the comments. Very helpful to know how others handle it!
DD is 7 and she is the sweetest child... each birthday card needs to be home made (because, in her own words, it's more special) and presents need to be just right. In the past, our celebrations were simple; I got a home made card and breakfast in bed (and yes, it was milk and cereal). XH got coffee for me, but that was the extent of his contribution. I should have known by then.  In terms of presents, I used to get jewelry that I wouldn't normally wear (but I did). The last 4 years, I asked for inexpensive presents instead and I got myself something that I really needed.
Other posters suggested having a conversation with XH first; you are right, I will do that. Our communication is not the best but we need to get past that for DD's sake. If he is not willing to help her buy the gift ($20 max), I will just ask someone else to take her, since it is really important for her. FYI - Not emotional about this, just confused. I am thinking our new tradition will be to make breakfast together and have it in bed. I will think of something to do later in the day...Maybe a winery. There are some in the area that are kid-friendly. The only downside... just one glass.
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Anonymous
| DH here and divorced for 6 years... The sooner you separate the X from Mothers/Fathers day, the better. The kids need to understand that going forward if its about them, then both parents will be there. If its a celebration about the parent, the X shouldn't be there. |
Anonymous
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OP, maybe you and I should trade 7-year-olds for the day so we can let them shop for each other! I usually get something from my ex but he's deployed this year (and was last year too, come to think of it) so I'm not hopeful.
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Anonymous
LOL - I would be happy to... when mother's day I got incense for mother's day so it can' be worst than that. |
Anonymous
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Nope. I do not want to spend Mother's Day with my ex. My divorce agreement states that these holiday's supersede our regular visitation schedule. So on Father's Day, DS is with dad and vice versa on Mother's day.
Children's birthdays are different because both parents are celebrating the child. In the future, you or your ex may get remarried and have other kids or step kids. Would you expect your ex to leave their new family and celebrate that day with you? |
Anonymous
| I'm not divorced, but would be happy to take a friend's kids shopping for Mother's Day/Father's Day gifts if the ex-spouse can't or isn't willing. |
Anonymous
| My kids spend summers with their dad, who lives about 1,000 miles from us. Last summer, we had to leave for our trip a little later than we usually do, and we arrived three days before Father's Day. My husband and I stayed two days, and left on Saturday, so that their dad wouldn't feel like he had to compete with me for their attention. |
Anonymous
| why don't you take her to a paint your own pottery place on Mother's day so she can make you a gift? Fun activity together. |
Anonymous
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If your dd is old enough (my 7yo is), take her to the store, give her $10 or $20 and let her pick something out and pay for it. Stay close by, help her figure out what is in her price range, but don't look at the gift. Or you can have her pick something and pay with your credit card at the register after asking the cashier to put the gift in a bag so you don't see it.
My son and I do this most years. Then on Mother's Day we go out to brunch. |