Separation/divorce and mother's day

[Anonymous]

My divorce has been on the works for years (literally, long story).. and we will likely be moving to our separate houses on June/July, but no matter how difficult things were, we always celebrated our birthdays together, as well as major holidays, including Mother's Day and Father's Day.
Today DH (or XH) told me I should make my own plans. For other separated/divorced moms/dads out there... do you spend mother and father's day together? I know DD wants to get my a present like she does every year with dad (I guess that's how the conversation surfaced today) and I don't know how to help. She looked heartbroken today.
I am sure I can come up with a plan (no family in the area) but curious about what others do.

[Anonymous]

We usually go out to brunch and that is it. Mother's and Father's Days are not big holidays in our house and never have been.

[Anonymous]

Is there an aunt/uncle/friend who could take your dd shopping for a small gift for you? It sounds like your dh won't do that for her and it's upsetting her? Then the two of you go out to brunch or dinner together.

[Anonymous]

I would teach her that gifts aren't the important part of Mother's Day, that spending time together is. So take her out for brunch or a picnic and hike and make a memory, don't worry about a gift. Tell her if she really wants to give you something, a handmade card would be the best gift ever. Then bring out paper and markers and give her some space.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom, no family in area. I think you are in an emotional place right now (it's very hard) because of the many things going on, but that this is not a big thing.

Agree with poster about the wonders of a homemade card.

Another thought that I've employed with DS is to pick out gift together and then let the surprise be how he wraps it. My DS put last year's present in a cooking pot. LOL.

[Anonymous]

My brother and his exw have always brought the kids to buy the other one a gift for mothers/Father's Day. It's been a wonderful co-parenting tradition.

Have you tried to talk to him about this? You could each support your dd by taking her in the different holidays.

Otherwise, I agree with pp. tell your dd a homemade gift is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, until she's old enough to go to the store on her own, it's his damn job to help,her get a gift, just as it's mine to help my kid get a gift on Father's Day. Now, for the party element, you do that with your child on the day.

You may not be married anymore, but you are still parents.

[Anonymous]

This is our first year separated through the string of birthdays and Mother's Day/Father's Day. I have the kids the weekend of Mother's Day and he will not be in the picture. Turns out Father's Day is also my weekend. I offered to switch and he declined, but will spend a few hours with the kids that Sunday. We never did anything big for those days though-just a card, so it's not a big departure.

It's really painful for me to be around my husband, so I am relieved not to have to see him. My kids are fairly young, so I don't think they'll think anything of it.

[Anonymous]

You need to contain your emotions for you daughter and make sure you show no disappointment if she isn't able to get you a gift. You shouldn't be depending on your daughter to buck you up in an emotional time. You and daughter can do something together but your ex isn't responsible for being involved in this. It is a bit immature for you to be upset about your ex not managing this.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, in all but the most acrimonious divorces, the ex will help a young child pick out a gift and make a card for the other parent on Mother's or Father's day. I would communicate with your ex about it-keep it focused on your kid and what she needs, not your feelings. In terms of spending holidays together, I think a lot of parents looking at divorce think they will still spend them together, but as the divorce proceeds, the reality of how unpleasant that can feel comes through. I would focus on making a new Mother's Day ritual with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? Maybe start a tradition where she makes you a really special piece of art every year? Then when she is grown you will have an album full of her Mother's Day art. In fact, I like this idea so much I'm going to institute it myself! Then she's not dependent on your ex for help.
Sorry about your divorce. I hope you get to a place of cooperative coparenting. Enjoy your sweet daughter!

[Anonymous]

My ex helps DS pick out a card and gift, but we don't spend the day together - I spend it doing something with DS.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could take your daughter shopping and give her a $20 bill and let her pick out something and make the purchase, hiding it from you? Then you could go out to brunch?

I'm a single mom with a coparent who typically does something nice for me for mother's day - usually he takes our daughter to buy a gift. Sometimes there are flowers and wine. But I'm always on my own with my daughter for the day itself, so after 7 years, I've gotten more used to the semi-lonely mother's days. Do you have any other mom friends who would want to get together for brunch or lunch? Doesn't have to be a single mom; could be a mom with a traveling spouse.

[Anonymous]

I was separated for two years before getting divorced last year and my ex only ever gave me a card, signed by DS, during that. DS is only now getting to be old enough to understand picking out a gift for someone, so my expectations are pretty low. Neighbors invited me to join them for brunch last year but I opted to go hike or something. I ended up (with ex's ok) taking DS to a Nats game for Fathers Day last year while my ex did something else. (It was weird being there in a crowd of happy dads and kids but we had fun.)

This year I said screw it and DS and I are traveling to see my mom. She'll be happy, somebody will care about me, and DS gets some good grandma spoiling.

[Anonymous]

The gift is not important. Start a new tradition like a brunch, museum, day trip, anything really.