Teen DD came out recently, advice for conservative family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, another vote for re-thinking sending her to stay with them for an extended period of time. This soon after she has come out, she probably doesn't have much practice blowing off well-meaning bigots or defending herself against faux "concern". She needs support right now, not attacks on her sexuality (however well-meaning). And if they start questioning her and she does try to take them on, it could damage her relationship with them irreparably.

+1 The other thing I'd say is that she is very likely in the "LOOK AT ME! I'M FREEEEE. I'M GAAAAAY" phase of her coming out right now. That's a normal part of the process. It will pass. We all went through it. But pairing a 13 year-old who is brimming with newfound confidence and likely politics with grandparents who are, at best, well-meaning, is not a recipe for success.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She really wants to go. She and her sister have been spending weeks with grandparents during the summer since they were small. She would be devastated if the trip were canceled.

I'm not sure they'd say anything directly to her. I'm more worried about passing comments, like if a news story is on and they're supportive of the conservative side. Do I ask them not to express those opinions? Any negativity they've expressed has only been to me, never to DD. I've also told them there's no need to discuss her sexuality with her, but I can see so many ways lgbt topics can come up in 6 weeks.

They're willing to be coached. They think they're supportive. They want to be supportive. I want them to be supportive. They don't know what to do or say that would show support and still express their values, and I'm trying to show them ways to realize that completely accepting DD doesn't mean they're rejecting their values.

Basically, I expect them to totally come around and be accepting of DD eventually. Things like having girlfriends and a female SO and possibly children someday. I think it's going to take a while to get there, but we have time for that.

I just want to prevent any hurtful words that they think would be helpful, like they all asked me how she can know she's gay when she's only 13 and has never even kissed a boy. I think she'd be upset if they all told her she was too young to know who she's attracted to. So I asked them to avoid saying that, and they said they didn't realize it sounded like that's the message they're sending and said they'd try to avoid comments like that if the topic came up.

And I grew up in the south. I know what it's like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, another vote for re-thinking sending her to stay with them for an extended period of time. This soon after she has come out, she probably doesn't have much practice blowing off well-meaning bigots or defending herself against faux "concern". She needs support right now, not attacks on her sexuality (however well-meaning). And if they start questioning her and she does try to take them on, it could damage her relationship with them irreparably.

+1 The other thing I'd say is that she is very likely in the "LOOK AT ME! I'M FREEEEE. I'M GAAAAAY" phase of her coming out right now. That's a normal part of the process. It will pass. We all went through it. But pairing a 13 year-old who is brimming with newfound confidence and likely politics with grandparents who are, at best, well-meaning, is not a recipe for success.

She's really not. Maybe with friends but I don't get that impression. Definitely not at home. She's very modest and private, introverted, and doesn't like being in the spotlight.

[Anonymous]

You can't control your parents or what situations she will be in when you're not there. (For this trip, or school or wherever.) Spend your time and energy prepping her for how to deal with whatever situation may come her way. Is there a GSA at her school or another LGBT support group she could join?

My first family trip (to visit family) after coming out was horrendous (my Dad was supportive-ish, Mom was NOT). I hated every second and eventually the trip was cut short. She may not have a similar experience, but you should give her an exit strategy and let her know it is absolutely okay to use it.

[Anonymous]

GSA = Girl Scouts?

Her school doesn't have a lgtbq club but she starts high school next year and I'm hopeful there will be one then.

That's probably a good idea to prep her more than them. We talked a bit about things that people might say and how she could respond. We'll talk about where to go if she feels uncomfortable.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback and ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GSA = Girl Scouts?

Her school doesn't have a lgtbq club but she starts high school next year and I'm hopeful there will be one then.

That's probably a good idea to prep her more than them. We talked a bit about things that people might say and how she could respond. We'll talk about where to go if she feels uncomfortable.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback and ideas.

In my high school, GSA was "Gay Straight Alliance" that may be what the PP is referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:GSA = Girl Scouts?

Her school doesn't have a lgtbq club but she starts high school next year and I'm hopeful there will be one then.

That's probably a good idea to prep her more than them. We talked a bit about things that people might say and how she could respond. We'll talk about where to go if she feels uncomfortable.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback and ideas.

In my high school, GSA was "Gay Straight Alliance" that may be what the PP is referring to.

Lol I couldn't think of why Girl Scouts would be helpful here, even though they're inclusive.

Thanks again for all the help.

[Anonymous]

6 weeks!! Hell to the freaking no! 6 days, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 weeks!! Hell to the freaking no! 6 days, yes.

It's what we've always done. The kids and the grandparents look forward to it every year. Some of them are older, and they're developing a variety of illnesses. Nothing is terminal at this point, but quality time is limited. Because of distance and health issues, it's difficult to travel during the school year so we do the big summer trip instead. I think it's important to foster relationships with extended family when possible, and don't feel good about cutting it short because I'm a little worried that they might say something inappropriate but not intentionally hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

I'm going to give you opposite advice from the pp above. To me, the fact that your daughter wants to go for six weeks makes me think you should let her. If you don't let her it might seem to her that you are punishing her for being gay ( not that I am saying that at all) The good thing about today is that we are free to express who we are and do not have to pretend to love someone we don't. However, the downside is that our society seems super focused on sex and declaring who we are right now. To me, age 13 is too young to get focused on getting boyfriends or girlfriends. I always tell my girls to discover who there are before becoming a couple ( causal group dates to the movies are fine)

My point is while you think you might know what will happen it might not. On the other hand you could always tell her that she can come home whenever if things don't go well or she is uncomfortable. Maybe your parents want to see their granddaughter and have fun with her without focusing on such a small part of her life right now.

[Anonymous]

You can't control other people reaction. Why people need to walk around eggshell because of her. If she's not making it a big deal, people wont make it a big deal. Besides, why does she need to tell people that she's coming out, if she's doesn't want the relatives to know.

Since she really wants to go, she needs to able to defend herself, or at least able to say, I'm not discussing it.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to go, let her, but yes I would coach them and make it clear anything negative is off limits, or just shelve the talk altogether. However, if they really do want to be supportive, once the shock sinks in, having her there may actually be good for them. They will see she is still the grandchild they love.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I came out in college, but college is different. I came out then because I was a strong person by then. No one is a strong person at 13.

She wants to go, but probably doesn't realize that her grandparents disapprove of her. She may know they are conservative, but she has always none them to love and support her. That will change this summer. They love, but no longer support her.

They are the adults. If she goes this must promise you that not a negative word will come out of their mouth on the topic. Not a word, even if directly asked.

I'm sorry, but I think she is going to be severely hurt by them this summer and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So, think about what you will do and say when the time comes. It will seriously affect the person she becomes.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to come out to them? She's 13. It's not like they are going to ask her about sex, right?

[Anonymous]

I agree I think simmering with anti gay grandparents isn't a great idea for a 13 year old girl who just came out. 17 or 18, maybe. But 13 is a very tender fragile age. It was single digits couple years ago. I'd change the summer plan. Tell the grandparents she needs to do some self love and work on her identity this summer.