Teen DD came out recently, advice for conservative family

[Anonymous]

My 13yo DD recently came out. She's been in therapy for anxiety, and suddenly she's a new person not carrying around secrets anymore. DH and I are so happy to have our happy, less angsty DD back. It wasn't a surprise to DH and I when she came out. We're supportive and really just want her to fee happy and secure.

She will be spending several weeks this summer with her grandparents (3 sets, DH's divorced parents and my parents). She asked me to tell them her news because she didn't want to keep secrets anymore but didn't feel comfortable discussing her sexuality with grands, aunts and uncles. They're all southern, traditional, religious, conservative, and homophobic to varying degrees. All said they love her and want her to be happy, but disapprove of her choice. Every time they say choice, I correct them and say it's just who she is. My parents feel like they're being very supportive even though they've said how sad they are that she's not straight.

So my question is, how much do I correct them? When does it go from protecting dd's feelings to being combative? What amount of standing up for you do you wish your parents had done? She very much loves her grandparents and wants to go on this trip. I don't think there will be any huge issues. I just worry about her internalizing things they might say in passing, not directly about/to her (although I do worry a bit about that too). Things like supporting the bathroom bill or religious freedom by not forcing businesses to serve lgbt customers. I don't want to battle my parents or in-laws, but if there are key phrases to avoid I'd be happy to coach them a bit about what not to say. DD hasn't faced any direct negativity so she's not really able to say what would be offensive to hear. I also don't really want her to know about any negative things they've said to me. I want as little impact on her relationships with extended family as possible.

Tl;dr
13yo DD is gay. Grandparents disapprove. She's spending the summer with them. How do I help make for a happy summer for DD so her anxiety doesn't get worse?

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. If it were my kid and I were in a similar situation, I am not sure I would leave her with them for weeks at a time alone. But that's just based on your description- there may be some nuance here that I am missing.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'm not sure I would send her. No one, especially not a 13 year old - just out person needs to hear the stuff that she will most definitely hear, nor is she ready to (or expected to) stand up for herself in a safe way. FWTW, I grew up as a very closeted kid in the deep south.

Where will she be? Is it a progressive area in the south (city, college town)? Will she be taken to church while there?

Are there any affirming camps for out (gay, bi, etc.) young teens around here? That would be a place she could gain some confidence and not internalize the crap she'll hear from others (including relatives).

[Anonymous]

Change the plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP. If it were my kid and I were in a similar situation, I am not sure I would leave her with them for weeks at a time alone. But that's just based on your description- there may be some nuance here that I am missing.

I agree. Maybe next year she'll be ready to spend some time around them. However, her spending weeks on end alone with them, without you and your DH around to run interference, when she's only just come out/come to terms with who she is, may be too much for her to handle.

[Anonymous]

Why must you stereotype by saying "southern"
I don't think you really know the south.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, another vote for re-thinking sending her to stay with them for an extended period of time. This soon after she has come out, she probably doesn't have much practice blowing off well-meaning bigots or defending herself against faux "concern". She needs support right now, not attacks on her sexuality (however well-meaning). And if they start questioning her and she does try to take them on, it could damage her relationship with them irreparably.

[Anonymous]

Are they willing to be coached? Can the grands all agree to just shelve ANY talk about her sexuality at all while she's there?

Your DD knows they have some messed up views, right? Can you prep her with things she's likely to hear, and tell her what YOU think about those things, so she knows she has an ally? She's probably known she's gay for awhile, and has already heard their conservative banter, so she knows it's out there already, right? Talk with her about it.

I would use this time to help arm her with tools for navigating a gay-unfriendly place. If her grandparents are loving, but a bit clueless, some simple phrases like "grandma, that hurts my feelings" can be very powerful. She doesn't need to argue, but arming her to stop conversations she doesn't like might be useful.

If these grandparents are going to try to "change her mind" or something like that, she shouldn't be left with them unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

I would not make her stay with them. A four hour visit for dinner? Sure. A four day visit without her supportive parents? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

I think the concern I would have is that the relatives would spend a lot of time trying to "reverse her choice" or telling her that being gay was immoral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

I think the concern I would have is that the relatives would spend a lot of time trying to "reverse her choice" or telling her that being gay was immoral.

Exactly what I was thinking. Even for the strongest 13 year old, that's an uneven power dynamic.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to go, then you make it clear to the grandparents that she will leave if they make her uncomfortable. And you give DD the ability and the money she needs to get out of there if she needs to.

I am a lesbian and if I had had to sit through my grandparents questioning me about my "choice" at 13, I would have been very unhappy.

Tell the grandparents the best approach is not to talk to a 13 year old about her sexuality at all. It's none of their business. But if they can't keep their trap shut, she gets to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

I think the concern I would have is that the relatives would spend a lot of time trying to "reverse her choice" or telling her that being gay was immoral.

Exactly what I was thinking. Even for the strongest 13 year old, that's an uneven power dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

I think you are ignorant to the statistics on suicide among gay and lesbian teenagers. She does not have 13 years under her belt of gently and politely correcting people. She is still sorting out how to talk to people. Note that she didn't even want to tell her relatives directly? That points to the fact that she's not feeling ready to address any backlash from her coming out. She's not ready for this.