Teen DD came out recently, advice for conservative family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

Who said she's having a sexual relationship? As far as I know, she hasn't even had her first kiss. She may have, but she told me about her first hug, so I think she'll tell me about that too She has her first "girlfriend" now, and they do things like sit next to each other at lunch a few days a week.

The reason she wanted her family to know, like I said before, and similar to what pp said, is grandparents ask about friends, school, boyfriends. She's been keeping a huge part of herself hidden for a few years and doesn't want to have to do that anymore. It's caused a lot of anxiety for her and she's feeling better now that it's not a secret anymore.

She's going in about a month, and she will have a great time. Thanks for all the support

OP, the answers to those questions can be given without going into discussion of sexuality. Grandma: do you have a boyfriend? Your daughter - no, I just got a girlfriend. She can tell her where are they going to shop or what movie they went to see together with her girlfriend. Without discussing that she is a gay. You are raising her to be an adult. At the age 13 she should know where to draw the line and with whom it is appropriate to talk about certain things. Something tells me that there are another issues there as well.

Exactly.
Also, kids are "exploring" at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the big deal. I don't know what is the problem with sending her. She doesn't need a welcome to vacation gay carpet laid out. They both want to do the vacation, then great, it carries on. Not every one has to be so pro gay. They are welcoming and your daughter will correct them if needed. She is 13 and capable. This won't be the first or last that she may have to correct people. Let her stand up for herself if she wants to

You are a certifiable dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

+1

This is precisely why I think OP is a troll. There's no way this is a real situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

Who said she's having a sexual relationship? As far as I know, she hasn't even had her first kiss. She may have, but she told me about her first hug, so I think she'll tell me about that too She has her first "girlfriend" now, and they do things like sit next to each other at lunch a few days a week.

The reason she wanted her family to know, like I said before, and similar to what pp said, is grandparents ask about friends, school, boyfriends. She's been keeping a huge part of herself hidden for a few years and doesn't want to have to do that anymore. It's caused a lot of anxiety for her and she's feeling better now that it's not a secret anymore.

She's going in about a month, and she will have a great time. Thanks for all the support

OP, the answers to those questions can be given without going into discussion of sexuality. Grandma: do you have a boyfriend? Your daughter - no, I just got a girlfriend. She can tell her where are they going to shop or what movie they went to see together with her girlfriend. Without discussing that she is a gay. You are raising her to be an adult. At the age 13 she should know where to draw the line and with whom it is appropriate to talk about certain things. Something tells me that there are another issues there as well.

How does saying I have a girlfriend not discuss her sexuality? What exactly do you think she's talking about? This doesn't make any sense. The fact that she has a girlfriend is the issue. Saying she has a girlfriend is saying she's gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13yo DD recently came out. She's been in therapy for anxiety, and suddenly she's a new person not carrying around secrets anymore. DH and I are so happy to have our happy, less angsty DD back. It wasn't a surprise to DH and I when she came out. We're supportive and really just want her to fee happy and secure.

She will be spending several weeks this summer with her grandparents (3 sets, DH's divorced parents and my parents). She asked me to tell them her news because she didn't want to keep secrets anymore but didn't feel comfortable discussing her sexuality with grands, aunts and uncles. They're all southern, traditional, religious, conservative, and homophobic to varying degrees. All said they love her and want her to be happy, but disapprove of her choice. Every time they say choice, I correct them and say it's just who she is. My parents feel like they're being very supportive even though they've said how sad they are that she's not straight.

So my question is, how much do I correct them? When does it go from protecting dd's feelings to being combative? What amount of standing up for you do you wish your parents had done? She very much loves her grandparents and wants to go on this trip. I don't think there will be any huge issues. I just worry about her internalizing things they might say in passing, not directly about/to her (although I do worry a bit about that too). Things like supporting the bathroom bill or religious freedom by not forcing businesses to serve lgbt customers. I don't want to battle my parents or in-laws, but if there are key phrases to avoid I'd be happy to coach them a bit about what not to say. DD hasn't faced any direct negativity so she's not really able to say what would be offensive to hear. I also don't really want her to know about any negative things they've said to me. I want as little impact on her relationships with extended family as possible.

Tl;dr
13yo DD is gay. Grandparents disapprove. She's spending the summer with them. How do I help make for a happy summer for DD so her anxiety doesn't get worse?

Why do you sound like a troll?

Maybe because you've never had to deal with having a gay child with conservative grandparents in a heteronormative society. That would be my guess as to why you think it can't be real.

[Anonymous]

I think you should make the trip shorter. I had no choice but to spend many weeks with my grandparents during the summer. They were super religious and went to church 3 times a week. I still give my mom a hard time about it and I've become athiest.

[Anonymous]

I'm the previous pp (13:26). That was NOT a troll comment. My grandparents are bigoted souther baptist. I still remember a conversation with my grandfather whom told me that we should find a cure for AIDS and only give it to straight people that got HIV through blood transfusion and the gay people should be forced to die because they are performing horrible sexual acts outlawed by god. I was even shocked at the time.

I don't know if people mean this when they say "conservative" and "religious" together but based on my experience, I automatically jump to that conclusion..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make the trip shorter. I had no choice but to spend many weeks with my grandparents during the summer. They were super religious and went to church 3 times a week. I still give my mom a hard time about it and I've become athiest.

They want to go. The kids want to be there. The grandparents want them there. They're very excited about the trip.

After some time has passed, I'm much less worried about them saying anything negative.

I wouldn't force them to go if they hated it. I'm not forcing them to go now

[Anonymous]

Do not send your kid into this. Seriously? They "disapprove" of her "choice?" Um, no. If this were my kid, I wouldn't knowingly send her into a "southern, traditional, religious, conservative, homophobic" environment. A 13 year old is not mature enough to withstand the comments and arguments of adults who think her feelings are a "choice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make the trip shorter. I had no choice but to spend many weeks with my grandparents during the summer. They were super religious and went to church 3 times a week. I still give my mom a hard time about it and I've become athiest.

They want to go. The kids want to be there. The grandparents want them there. They're very excited about the trip.

After some time has passed, I'm much less worried about them saying anything negative.

I wouldn't force them to go if they hated it. I'm not forcing them to go now

That's very good to hear. My only suggestion would be that you be prepared to pick her (or them) up early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She really wants to go. She and her sister have been spending weeks with grandparents during the summer since they were small. She would be devastated if the trip were canceled.

I'm not sure they'd say anything directly to her. I'm more worried about passing comments, like if a news story is on and they're supportive of the conservative side. Do I ask them not to express those opinions? Any negativity they've expressed has only been to me, never to DD. I've also told them there's no need to discuss her sexuality with her, but I can see so many ways lgbt topics can come up in 6 weeks.

They're willing to be coached. They think they're supportive. They want to be supportive. I want them to be supportive. They don't know what to do or say that would show support and still express their values, and I'm trying to show them ways to realize that completely accepting DD doesn't mean they're rejecting their values.

Basically, I expect them to totally come around and be accepting of DD eventually. Things like having girlfriends and a female SO and possibly children someday. I think it's going to take a while to get there, but we have time for that.

I just want to prevent any hurtful words that they think would be helpful, like they all asked me how she can know she's gay when she's only 13 and has never even kissed a boy. I think she'd be upset if they all told her she was too young to know who she's attracted to. So I asked them to avoid saying that, and they said they didn't realize it sounded like that's the message they're sending and said they'd try to avoid comments like that if the topic came up.

And I grew up in the south. I know what it's like.

Good luck. I think you are kidding yourself. The "this is what we've always done" argument is lame in the face of a life-changing realization/revelation like this. If you send her, you need to prepare her for the fact that they ARE going to say these things (whether you ask them to or not, since they are clearly ignorant of the issues) and ask her how she will feel about/handle that. And you need to be prepared to go get her early when she decides that she's unhappy and has had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the previous pp (13:26). That was NOT a troll comment. My grandparents are bigoted souther baptist. I still remember a conversation with my grandfather whom told me that we should find a cure for AIDS and only give it to straight people that got HIV through blood transfusion and the gay people should be forced to die because they are performing horrible sexual acts outlawed by god. I was even shocked at the time.

I don't know if people mean this when they say "conservative" and "religious" together but based on my experience, I automatically jump to that conclusion..

Goodness no, that's not what kind of conservative they are. More like its a choice, we shouldn't have it shoved down our throats (if a gay couple is holding hands publicly), being ok with gay couples adopting out of necessity but wishing kids were in a "traditional" family instead, opposing marriage equality, and of course it's a sin. (Never mind that every grandparent is divorced or married a divorced person.) So not gay friendly, but not pitchforks and angry mob level of homophobia.

I went to a church once that spouted similar bullshit as your grandfather. It was a southern baptist church but not in the south. I was shocked and left. I can't imagine going through life being so hateful toward other people. I wouldn't expose my children to that, even if the hateful words weren't directed at my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why must you stereotype by saying "southern"
I don't think you really know the south.

Oh please. Because to know the South is to know the bastion of progressiveness that pervades in regional traditions, beliefs and attitudes.

Right. Even the cities that try like Charlotte fall prey to the backwardness of the rest of the state and the Republican-dominated state legislatures across the South.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She really wants to go. She and her sister have been spending weeks with grandparents during the summer since they were small. She would be devastated if the trip were canceled.

I'm not sure they'd say anything directly to her. I'm more worried about passing comments, like if a news story is on and they're supportive of the conservative side. Do I ask them not to express those opinions? Any negativity they've expressed has only been to me, never to DD. I've also told them there's no need to discuss her sexuality with her, but I can see so many ways lgbt topics can come up in 6 weeks.

They're willing to be coached. They think they're supportive. They want to be supportive. I want them to be supportive. They don't know what to do or say that would show support and still express their values, and I'm trying to show them ways to realize that completely accepting DD doesn't mean they're rejecting their values.

Basically, I expect them to totally come around and be accepting of DD eventually. Things like having girlfriends and a female SO and possibly children someday. I think it's going to take a while to get there, but we have time for that.

I just want to prevent any hurtful words that they think would be helpful, like they all asked me how she can know she's gay when she's only 13 and has never even kissed a boy. I think she'd be upset if they all told her she was too young to know who she's attracted to. So I asked them to avoid saying that, and they said they didn't realize it sounded like that's the message they're sending and said they'd try to avoid comments like that if the topic came up.

And I grew up in the south. I know what it's like.

Good luck. I think you are kidding yourself. The "this is what we've always done" argument is lame in the face of a life-changing realization/revelation like this. If you send her, you need to prepare her for the fact that they ARE going to say these things (whether you ask them to or not, since they are clearly ignorant of the issues) and ask her how she will feel about/handle that. And you need to be prepared to go get her early when she decides that she's unhappy and has had enough.

Thanks for the tips. I think things are working out much better than I had expected. I was just being anxious and protective of her feelings. Everything is going well.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure that they're aware they can come home early if they want.