Sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

I have this thought a lot, because I come from a culture where inter-generational bonds are bit more stressed than in general now. BUT I also haven;t been there yet, and you know what they say about walking a mile in another's shoes. I can't fault anyone when I have no idea what it is like.

I have to say though, I kind of hope it becomes a real conversation to have. We really got sort of convinced in the last couple generations that having kids anything before mid to late 30s is for those who don't have anything better left to do, it just isn't always the best thing if your parents did the same thing. Not necessarily bad but something worth talking about. I was 33 and 35. I would love it if my kids had kids closer to 30.

This. The "sandwich generation" is mostly a result of people delaying childbirth until their mid-30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You know that your kid will grow out of diapers in 1-2 years. The parent's "end of life" period can take 5+ years. The modern medicine is wonderful at keeping people alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You cannot be serious. The care of small, healthy and normally developing infants and children vs. adult-sized steadily declining elderly with a myriad of physical, emotional and mental needs? You cannot equate the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You cannot be serious. The care of small, healthy and normally developing infants and children vs. adult-sized steadily declining elderly with a myriad of physical, emotional and mental needs? You cannot equate the two.

Not to mention the feeling most parents have of not wanting to burden their children with their person care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You know that your kid will grow out of diapers in 1-2 years. The parent's "end of life" period can take 5+ years. The modern medicine is wonderful at keeping people alive.

People who ask questions like this have never taken care of an adult alone who needs assistance with all their meals, toileting or diapering, bathing, transferring to/from chair to car to bed, monitoring medications, giving enemas, and their moaning in pain/crying/yelling/ or anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You cannot be serious. The care of small, healthy and normally developing infants and children vs. adult-sized steadily declining elderly with a myriad of physical, emotional and mental needs? You cannot equate the two.

Not to mention the feeling most parents have of not wanting to burden their children with their person care.

+1.

Many parents find the concept humiliating, by the way. It's near impossible for one person, untrained and without assistance, to lift a fully grown human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

I've had to help my mom toilet and get dressed, so I can speak to this. It's hard emotionally because it's in-your-face evidence that the parent you knew is gone. It's unpleasant because it drastically changes your relationship. It's gross because dealing with another person's fecal matter is gross no matter their or your age. (I have three kids, one still in diapers, so I deal in poop a lot.)

And, then it's never just about the act of what you're doing. It's what it represents to your parent: loss of control, loss of power in the parent-child dynamic, loss of dignity, loss of privacy, and many other losses. So, the parent may resent the help, make demands that make it harder to accomplish, etc.

As for the OP's question, a big part of the answer depends on resources. Does your parent have long term care insurance (we all should!)? A LTCI plan can help significantly defray the costs of caregivers or assisted living facilities. You just won't be able to care for young kids and an ailing parent on your own. Their needs will compete and will often be opposite of one another. You'll need help. Caregiver agencies are a huge help if you want the parent to remain at home. Some local DC companies are Home Instead, Comforcare, Visiting Angels, Capital City Nurses, and many others. They deal with scheduling, taxes, etc. for you. You'll also need to make sure other family or friends are engaged in the emotional/social support of the parent. Get a visit rotation going to make sure the parent has outlets that aren't just centered on you and your family.

I'm four years into being my mom's life manager and it's gotten a lot easier with time. It's really hard, though.

Sandwich generation sucks. I'm sorry for you, OP, and wish you all the best and lots of luck!!

+1. Because we work full time and have children later, therefore the kids are younger at the point when parents need care. Whatever you did for us as children we do for our own children too, I am not sure your reasoning holds water very well...

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider if you will be caring for a parent who does not have extreme health issues would be to find a good adult day program which LTC would cover and the hours could enable one to continue working. This option would generally be much more inexpensive than bringing in a caretaker to your home or to the parent's home. Also do research on assisted living, dementia, rehab nursing and long term nursing care options because you never know how the path of aging and illness will flow. In this way you will have done the research and know the pros and cons of certain places and the different levels of care. For instance, if one is in a dementia unit with long-term nursing care available, but NOT rehab nursing care, then if one falls and breaks anything, one would have to suddenly go to a rehab nursing setting which could be upsetting.

Also meet with a couple of agencies ahead of time and look at adult day programming sites ahead of time just to understand what the best choice for a parent might be either in having an agency organize the care for the person or if one has to make a choice in a day program. Any of this research would be beneficial in your area if a parent is likely to come there or to know about in their community. This could be one role an out of area sibling might do for the sibling(s) who live close to aging parents and may have more of the front line, direct care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

One thing to consider if you will be caring for a parent who does not have extreme health issues would be to find a good adult day program which LTC would cover and the hours could enable one to continue working. This option would generally be much more inexpensive than bringing in a caretaker to your home or to the parent's home. Also do research on assisted living, dementia, rehab nursing and long term nursing care options because you never know how the path of aging and illness will flow. In this way you will have done the research and know the pros and cons of certain places and the different levels of care. For instance, if one is in a dementia unit with long-term nursing care available, but NOT rehab nursing care, then if one falls and breaks anything, one would have to suddenly go to a rehab nursing setting which could be upsetting.

Also meet with a couple of agencies ahead of time and look at adult day programming sites ahead of time just to understand what the best choice for a parent might be either in having an agency organize the care for the person or if one has to make a choice in a day program. Any of this research would be beneficial in your area if a parent is likely to come there or to know about in their community. This could be one role an out of area sibling might do for the sibling(s) who live close to aging parents and may have more of the front line, direct care.

Have you been through the process? I've been caregiver in our home and I can tell you the adult day care is not great. They just sit in a room all day with little stimulation. Plus, you have to get your parent back and forth, not including trying to get them fed, dressed as well as yourself and kids. You cannot compare caretaking for a parent and child the same. Caring for a parent is 10 times harder, even when compared to a SN kid, like I have.

Nursing homes... they are an absolute nightmare. I spend 15-20 hours a week, right now double that dealing with the nursing home. (this has become a full-time job dealing with the nasty administrators). Not including visiting, shopping and other stuff. The nursing home is an absolute nightmare. The care is terrible and all the residents do is sit all day. Have you tried to get a loved one into one, especially on medicaid? Have you tried to transfer facilities (doing that now)? Its easy to say do this, but the doing is something else.

Do you understand the progression of dementia, what it looks like and how much care is really involved when they have difficulty with everything, how they are emotionally volatile as they are confused and do not understand what is happening to them...its a horrible thing to have to watch and go through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You know that your kid will grow out of diapers in 1-2 years. The parent's "end of life" period can take 5+ years. The modern medicine is wonderful at keeping people alive.

People who ask questions like this have never taken care of an adult alone who needs assistance with all their meals, toileting or diapering, bathing, transferring to/from chair to car to bed, monitoring medications, giving enemas, and their moaning in pain/crying/yelling/ or anger.

Actually, you are incorrect, I am currently doing it. except for the enemas part, but I never did that with my children either.

[Anonymous]

np: My son is 5 and in diapers. He has a bowel disease that will likely require enemas, once we potty train him for urine, which is progressing very slowly because of his seizure meds. He also has a feeding tube. I have two other kids. I know it isn't my parents' job to help me, and they don't help me. When they're old, I don't plan to abandon them, but it bugs me that their lives have not been changed by my son's illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

You know that your kid will grow out of diapers in 1-2 years. The parent's "end of life" period can take 5+ years. The modern medicine is wonderful at keeping people alive.

People who ask questions like this have never taken care of an adult alone who needs assistance with all their meals, toileting or diapering, bathing, transferring to/from chair to car to bed, monitoring medications, giving enemas, and their moaning in pain/crying/yelling/ or anger.

Actually, you are incorrect, I am currently doing it. except for the enemas part, but I never did that with my children either.

And the physical aspect isn't really what I was referring. It is more the familial/moral/emotional connection and the birth/death connection- being with family and being taken care of family at both ends of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np: My son is 5 and in diapers. He has a bowel disease that will likely require enemas, once we potty train him for urine, which is progressing very slowly because of his seizure meds. He also has a feeding tube. I have two other kids. I know it isn't my parents' job to help me, and they don't help me. When they're old, I don't plan to abandon them, but it bugs me that their lives have not been changed by my son's illness.

This sentiment gets flamed on this board, but I hear you.

In my case, I've begged my parents to get their train wreck finances in order for 15 years. I think they're going to be in for a surprise at the kind of care that will be available to them when the time comes. I got a preview of what's to come when my mom spent 6 weeks in a Medicare rehab nursing facility a couple of years ago. Horrible. She was angry at me the whole time because I wasn't able to visit more often than once per week. I was working full time, had a sick infant and a toddler. Meanwhile, my father, whom she is still married to, left the state for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

Because the parents have pubes, so it's much more difficult to keep them clean. You try picking dried poop out of your MIL's butt pubes and let me know how you like it.

It can also be very difficult if the parent doesn't understand what is happening and the necessity for it, and resists or gets upset. It's not like a baby where you can physically control them, and it's very easy to accidentally injure a frail senior.

[Anonymous]

My elderly father has been in skilled nursing care for over three years.

He has dementia and was living a quiet life at home with my mom as his sole caretaker. Then, he fell getting out of his own bed in the middle of the night. Shattered and dislocated his hip. Rescue squad raced him to hospital, unsure if he'd survive. Went from hospital to nursing home in skilled nursing and took precipitous decline.

Yes, he is safe and well cared for in nursing home, but now I have to supervise my mom who is living back in their house alone and check in on my dad. I live more than an hour away, work part time away and have my own young family.

My mom is hardest to manage. She's lonely but insists she'll never move into a nursing home with or without my dad. She needs companionship and expects me, as the only daughter, to swoop in and help whenever she asks.

I try to attend care nursing home planning meetings, visit my dad, help her make major decisions (buy/sell her car), assist with her house chores, minor home repairs, computer problems, on and on. Oh, and she expects me to call her daily. It's grueling and I'm not coping well.

I don't have any friends in this situation - most of my close friends have significantly younger parents - and so there's a general lack of understanding in general. I hear repeatedly from friends that they never see me by when I remind them of my parents, the conversation grinds to a halt.