If your family doesn't like your spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

They will get over it with time.
if they don't then you will have to man-up and tell them to stop insulting you. You chose this person and you will not stand here and let them insult you, by way of mistreating your wife and/or kids. You will leave, call me when you are ready to be civil.

My father had to say this to his Mother and one of his brothers (the one now on his 4th marriage). Things got civil. We lived an hour's drive away and mainly saw them for holidays, birthdays and graduations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

This matters a lot. I'm not going to even pretend to be civil to my sibling's abusive spouse, who abuses both my sibling and my nieces and nephews. Sibling wants to put the spouse first, so the family, including the kids, have bugged out of there.

Really? We are in a similar situation (DH's sister married to really controlling guy), and we put up with him because of the kids. We feel like she may need someone (or the kids may need someone) down the line for help. And we rather be her point of contact.

The kids are out of there. The other parent has full custody now. Because of CPS and therapist reports, and the like. Sibling chose abusive spouse over the kids. Sibling is also now verbally abusive to my elderly parents. There is no reason to put up with that behavior now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

Dear God you must be a miserable person. You've never known what it is to have a real family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

Dear God you must be a miserable person. You've never known what it is to have a real family.

the family forum is so boring. this sort of crazy assertion would cause a flame war immediately in other forums.... but y'all like, okay, sure, sounds good....

[Anonymous]

Mine doesn't like mine because he was very emotionally abusive after our baby was born. I finally had to point blank tell them that if I had any chance of saving my marriage, I didn't need to hear awful stuff about him from them. Sometimes you just need to tell them to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

My grandma and aunts are quite racist and my uncle married a black woman.

It has worked because he always insists people treat her correctly. It is your responsibility to ensure that she is not mistreated by your family. If they say negative things only to you, you can say, "She is my wife, I love her, we are going to stay married. If you continue to say negative things about her, I no longer want to hear from you." If they say these things to her, you should ask them to leave or disabuse them of the notion that they can talk to your wife in that manner.

[Anonymous]

We don't care for my brother's wife but we are civil and polite to her. She loves my brother and treats him well but there are other aspects of her personality that are off putting. But, their relationship isn't unhealthy and she's his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us like my sister's husband. But she loves him, so we ask how he is and are friendly, loving, and that is it.

The time to listen to your family is BEFORE you get married. Have they asked the hard questions about your future spouse?? did you dismiss their concerns? Their concerns might be valid.

Honestly, if my family dislike my husband I'd KNOW I'd made a bad choice. Because they are all smart, loving, kind people. And they'd support me no matter what I do. Whether I marry an asshole or a great guy. They support ME.

The fact that my family likes my husband, even fully knowing his and my flaws and mistakes, gives me confidence in my choice.

But, yeah, they should be civil and support you and love you.

This is so true. I always learned that when I married, I was marrying into a family as was my spouse. My kids know this. My kids have both told us that they would never marry someone we didn’t get along with because they know how important family is......
Having said this, my older sister married someone that nobody in the family really cared for. We have always been cordial, respectful, and polite to him. They recently divorced. Guess we were right.

[Anonymous]

yes, you marry into a family for sure. some families are closer than others, . some siblings are best friends, and others are like civil neighbors nodding over a fence at eachother. some families treat in laws like blood relatives, ( by that I mean with bonds of affection and trust) and in that case, ideally you do get along. plenty dont of course, and everyone survives, and that is the nature of things. others really stick to the blood is thicker than water m.o., and in that case, if they keep you at arms length, and make it clear that you are not really part of them, then it's no big loss or gain either way. I don't think it matters in a consistent way, and as the saying goes, every family has its own unique miseries....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

I think I know why your spouse's family may not like you. Because you are seriously batshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

I think I know why your spouse's family may not like you. Because you are seriously batshit.

I am not pp, but I think you are missing the point.

do you really think the extended family should decide nuclear family''s choices? sounds like controlling / possible emotional abuse in itself.

my interpretation of what the pp said. absent abuse, MYOB, and let the family work out marriage stresses and make decisions on their own. you don't "own" them.

I find your response pretty frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

I think I know why your spouse's family may not like you. Because you are seriously batshit.

I am not pp, but I think you are missing the point.

do you really think the extended family should decide nuclear family''s choices? sounds like controlling / possible emotional abuse in itself.

my interpretation of what the pp said. absent abuse, MYOB, and let the family work out marriage stresses and make decisions on their own. you don't "own" them.

I find your response pretty frightening.

but there are a lot of batsh÷¥£ crazies out there. perhaps pp was just saying, I don't like mine bc she is bats#&$ crazy, not because there was any logic related to the previous post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't care for my brother's wife but we are civil and polite to her. She loves my brother and treats him well but there are other aspects of her personality that are off putting. But, their relationship isn't unhealthy and she's his choice.

in so many ways, for many of us on both sides of the equation, this is as good as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

I think I know why your spouse's family may not like you. Because you are seriously batshit.

That's not how I read it. The takeaway was eople need to work out ther spousal issues with their spouse. Not stack the deck against their spouse by venting to their elderly parents. Then come on dcum and ask why their elderly parents don't like their spouse.

Btw, this is not the OP's situation. Another PP write in saying how s/he always makes his parents and spouse compete for who is "right". That's unhealthy and a recipe for failure.

OP provided little color into his/her situation. So the only general advice I'd give is to put your spouse first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

Dear God you must be a miserable person. You've never known what it is to have a real family.

Same weird responder? healthy parenting of adult children does not include co-dependency, consultation on decisions, or constant complaining about ones spouse. Those are all calls for help, I would tell my adult kid to get joint counseling.