If your family doesn't like your spouse...

[Anonymous]

How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

[Anonymous]

It all depends on why they don't like her. My guess is that if several of your family members (not just one) don't like her, she treats you badly. That's pretty tough to stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

[Anonymous]

None of us like my sister's husband. But she loves him, so we ask how he is and are friendly, loving, and that is it.

The time to listen to your family is BEFORE you get married. Have they asked the hard questions about your future spouse?? did you dismiss their concerns? Their concerns might be valid.

Honestly, if my family dislike my husband I'd KNOW I'd made a bad choice. Because they are all smart, loving, kind people. And they'd support me no matter what I do. Whether I marry an asshole or a great guy. They support ME.

The fact that my family likes my husband, even fully knowing his and my flaws and mistakes, gives me confidence in my choice.

But, yeah, they should be civil and support you and love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on why they don't like her. My guess is that if several of your family members (not just one) don't like her, she treats you badly. That's pretty tough to stomach.

Kind of a big leap there (in bold). We don't know why OP's family dislikes the spouse. Could be anything from spouse being from a culture/gender/race/economic background that the family didn't expect the OP to marry, to the spouse simply having different values or interests or being older or younger than the family expected for OP....

OP, though we all probably want our birth families to get along with or even love our chosen spouses, it doesn't always happen, unfortunately.

Your post mentions getting your family to be "civil" to your spouse, so is the family actually being rude to the spouse's face? Rude to you about your spouse, but behind her back? Commenting to you about how you should leave, or could "do better" or....whatever?

Work out your personal script for what you will say EVERY time that happens: Relative: "Your spouse is so (whatever)." You: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but Spouse isn't going anywhere. If you can't say something positive about her, please don't speak about her at all." Then change the topic immediately. If family has events and keeps inviting you but is clear that spouse is not welcome -- tell them with a huge smile, "I'm sorry but I wouldn't dream of coming without Spouse. Hope to see you sometime soon." Of course, cruel comments mean you walk out of the room instantly.

Keep it up. Be the one on the high road -- no dramatic pronouncements or raised voices, just a very consistent and firm attitude that you love them and like to see them, but will not tolerate any badmouthing of Spouse and won't be coming to family events to which they have not invited her. Keep up your own contacts with your family if you want to (and it's OK to want to, if they are only misguided and not toxic) but when it comes to either comments about your spouse, or invitations that snub her, be calm and firm that those things don't work for you, now or ever. If you let them get under your skin and make you angry, they will just blame your anger and upset on your spouse and say, "See? That's not OP! That's Spouse talking and turning her against us!" Keeping cool is pretty important.

If there are only certain family members who are a problem, do find ways to get together with other family members who are OK with your spouse. They don't have to be super loving or warm, frankly. If they are civil enough, and your spouse is OK with them, and you value them as part of your life, then let them get to know her gradually and don't push them, or her, to be tighter than they can be ritght now. But she doesn't have to do the same with specific family members who are not civil. It does help if your family is the kind where individual family members get together in various configurations, rather than there being huge all-family gatherings where everyone is present, every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

This matters a lot. I'm not going to even pretend to be civil to my sibling's abusive spouse, who abuses both my sibling and my nieces and nephews. Sibling wants to put the spouse first, so the family, including the kids, have bugged out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

This matters a lot. I'm not going to even pretend to be civil to my sibling's abusive spouse, who abuses both my sibling and my nieces and nephews. Sibling wants to put the spouse first, so the family, including the kids, have bugged out of there.

Sounds more like a mental health issue than a typical situation of disliking for petty reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

This matters a lot. I'm not going to even pretend to be civil to my sibling's abusive spouse, who abuses both my sibling and my nieces and nephews. Sibling wants to put the spouse first, so the family, including the kids, have bugged out of there.

Really? We are in a similar situation (DH's sister married to really controlling guy), and we put up with him because of the kids. We feel like she may need someone (or the kids may need someone) down the line for help. And we rather be her point of contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us like my sister's husband. But she loves him, so we ask how he is and are friendly, loving, and that is it.

The time to listen to your family is BEFORE you get married. Have they asked the hard questions about your future spouse?? did you dismiss their concerns? Their concerns might be valid.

Honestly, if my family dislike my husband I'd KNOW I'd made a bad choice. Because they are all smart, loving, kind people. And they'd support me no matter what I do. Whether I marry an asshole or a great guy. They support ME.

The fact that my family likes my husband, even fully knowing his and my flaws and mistakes, gives me confidence in my choice.

But, yeah, they should be civil and support you and love you.

Sometimes there is no predicting how relationships will change as circumstances change, pp.

If one encounters more success than anticipated, sometimes jealousy and other vices will flare amonst in laws, and relationships will suffer. Sometimes the husband can neglect the wife, and she responds with anger after a certain time. Surely you don't think it is as straightforward as the situation you describe in all scenarios. Have you read the posts of women whose husbands work 80-90 hours a week? They are not all happy.

It is not all stuff that can be predicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

This matters a lot. I'm not going to even pretend to be civil to my sibling's abusive spouse, who abuses both my sibling and my nieces and nephews. Sibling wants to put the spouse first, so the family, including the kids, have bugged out of there.

Sounds more like a mental health issue than a typical situation of disliking for petty reasons.

I assume that most families are above petty differences and true dislike stems from something serious, including mental health issues, on either side here. But it seems to me OP would be familiar with his family acting like, if they are the ones with issues.

[Anonymous]

I would wonder why you care. it's either petty, or it may be that they don't have anything in common along many different lines.... op, you married her, so it's probably too late. if they haven't ever gotten along, then what do you think could happen at this point? how long have you been married? do you have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on why they don't like her. My guess is that if several of your family members (not just one) don't like her, she treats you badly. That's pretty tough to stomach.

If your wife is treating you badly get counseling, don't talk about her to your parents. Fix it. Besides, part of the problem could be you (gasp).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage it? How do you suggest that they be civil or at least try to learn to like her?

Your spouse comes first. Your parents and sibs don't get a choice. They don't get to pick who you marry. If your parents and sibs are rude to your spouse, you should stand up for your spouse and not subject her to them. Make it clear that you are a team and to attack her is to attack you.

No, the person/people who are in the right, come first. Sometimes that's spouse. Sometimes that's family of origin. Do they have legitimate reasons to dislike your spouse? Or are they irrational and baseless?

WTF? You parents and sibs need to mind their own business. If there is a serious problem - like an alcoholic abusive spouse, that's one thing. But don't consult your "family of origin" for your nuclear family decisions. And don't come here playing Master Judge of who is "in the right", your spouse or your mommy. Ridiculous.

Good luck with life. And P.S. You had been be honest on what you are exaggerating and telling your "family of origin" about your spouse. RIght now you sound like a real doozy. And if your parents are real parents, they will step back and tell you they don't want to hear such things, work them out amongst the two of them. That's real parenting, not having a bitchfest with your adult son about his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on why they don't like her. My guess is that if several of your family members (not just one) don't like her, she treats you badly. That's pretty tough to stomach.

If your wife is treating you badly get counseling, don't talk about her to your parents. Fix it. Besides, part of the problem could be you (gasp).

excellent advice. your family shouldn't know tons of details about your personal life, it will definitely come to haunt you. good fences make good extended families.