how do you put the marriage first when you have young kids?

[Anonymous]

You need to differentiate between your kids' true needs (which can be divided into urgent and non urgent), wants, and whims. Not everything your demanding kids ask for is truly necessecary and if it is, it's not always 1 second after they screamed for it. Take some time to analyze it.

[Anonymous]

Date night 2 nights a month

Sex 3 times a week even if your tired

Hold hands more, touch more, kiss good night and good bye

Little things like love notes or occasional small presents for no reason

Sleep naked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who gave me this advice were relatives who have a ton of family nearby and use their parents/the grandparents like nannies. So ya, easy to have weekly date nights and weekends away when you have free child care all around.

Now that my kids are a little older, 4 and 6, we try to have a sitter once a month. I also think that while you don't need to put your marriage first, you do need to invest time in it and spend time together even if that is on the couch chatting once a week.

Yeah, I've noticed the same thing. Or people who have full-time nannies. I'm a sahm and we have neither so our date nights are weekend nights spent watching movies together and drinking wine (now that the 1-year old sleeps through the night), talking until late night while finishing off the wine, and then having some wild sex. I also don't actually believe in putting the marriage "first." I believe the needs of our children, those of us as individuals, and care of our relationship are all "firsts" and you prioritize based on urgency in the moment. For example, sex is an important connecting point for dh and me but if my baby is screaming in the middle of the night, we're going to stop doing that to take care of her. Frankly, in the pre-elementary years (maybe beyond but we're not there yet), I think the children usually do come first but that doesn't mean the relationship gets nothing.

Many of us don't have family nearby or full-time nannies. Babysitters. When the kids are a bit older (my minimum age is 2), use a high school student. Ours is $12/hour. You don't have to be out for hours or spend a ton of money. Have a nice casual dinner for 2 hours.

[Anonymous]

With young kids, keeping the relationship strong really means being invested in sharing the burdens equally. It's not really about date night (although that's important too). If you feel like your partner is not pitching in, then no date night will solve that.

Fighting fair is probably another big one. There will be a lot more tension, and the way you react to it and solve problems together will have a big impact on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go out once a week on my own - either to a dance or yoga class with friends, or to see a movie with someone, or go to a comedy club or something - even just sitting in a Starbucks and reading a magazine for two hours.

DH goes out once a week on HIS own.

We go out every Friday night together. Either just the two of us, or with other friends.

DH gets home before me, and feeds the kids dinner while cooking our dinner (they eat the prior night's leftovers) and then he and I eat dinner together.

We are pretty similar. Each of us goes out alone/with friends-- maybe not every week, but a couple times/month. On weekends we have a sitter and go out one night together. Just about every week. Since our first was 2 months old.

No, we are not wealthy. It is expensive, but we consider it an investment in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Just talk. It doesn't have to take a lot of time, effort or money. What keeps us most connected is the little convos we have on a regular old weeknight, not the fancy date nights or 3x a week sex schedules or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who gave me this advice were relatives who have a ton of family nearby and use their parents/the grandparents like nannies. So ya, easy to have weekly date nights and weekends away when you have free child care all around.

Now that my kids are a little older, 4 and 6, we try to have a sitter once a month. I also think that while you don't need to put your marriage first, you do need to invest time in it and spend time together even if that is on the couch chatting once a week.

Yeah, I've noticed the same thing. Or people who have full-time nannies. I'm a sahm and we have neither so our date nights are weekend nights spent watching movies together and drinking wine (now that the 1-year old sleeps through the night), talking until late night while finishing off the wine, and then having some wild sex. I also don't actually believe in putting the marriage "first." I believe the needs of our children, those of us as individuals, and care of our relationship are all "firsts" and you prioritize based on urgency in the moment. For example, sex is an important connecting point for dh and me but if my baby is screaming in the middle of the night, we're going to stop doing that to take care of her. Frankly, in the pre-elementary years (maybe beyond but we're not there yet), I think the children usually do come first but that doesn't mean the relationship gets nothing.

Many of us don't have family nearby or full-time nannies. Babysitters. When the kids are a bit older (my minimum age is 2), use a high school student. Ours is $12/hour. You don't have to be out for hours or spend a ton of money. Have a nice casual dinner for 2 hours.

This. Best advice I was given is that sitters are a shit load cheaper than therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with putting the kids first and so is DH, our relationship is rock solid. Married 19 years.

Thanks for your insightful tips.

That was the tip.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, both our careers come first. We support each other in needing the careers to come first. We are in the same field and problem-solve for each other and talk about work at home a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just talk. It doesn't have to take a lot of time, effort or money. What keeps us most connected is the little convos we have on a regular old weeknight, not the fancy date nights or 3x a week sex schedules or anything.

The key is that you have to determine what is important to YOU as a couple.

For us, date nights are important (although they are rarely "fancy," often just dinner or a movie or drinks/pool). We were always very social and we need the time out of the house to keep sane. Sex 3x/week is not important to us. We didn't have sex that much before we had kids.

Figure out what you need and don't compare yourself to other couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be kind to each other. Look for ways to say nice things, do nice things, acknowledge the other person's efforts and be grateful. Even small stuff. And when that fails and I'm snippy, I own up and apologize.

Know that it's a short amount of time and you just have to get through it without any major battle scars.

Get babysitters. Don't be the people that refuse to ever leave your kids with other people. It's bad for your marriage.

Give each other alone time as a regularly scheduled event.

This is excellent advice. Especially apologizing with a quick kiss when you're tired and snippy. I've done this often as a sleep deprived mom and it brings what could have been a really shitty night into a good one again.

I really try to apologize when I'm snippy and short. I try to remember to say thank you or give compliments, or squeeze his shoulder when I walk by, or a quick kiss when we pass in the hallway. I ask him about his day every evening at dinner. I bite my tongue when i want to say something harsh or mean. And we do our best to get sleep, because so much of this is the result of being chronically sleep-deprived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date night 2 nights a month

Sex 3 times a week even if your tired

Hold hands more, touch more, kiss good night and good bye

Little things like love notes or occasional small presents for no reason

Sleep naked

Dh here. All of this.

3x would be awesome. 1-2 will do most of the time.

[Anonymous]

When my youngest was 1 we were in a rough patch (she did not sleep, had reflux) and we resolved to every night at 6:30 putting our phones up. It was so easy to sit on the couch and zone out on them and it wasn't helping. If they rang we would answer (if we felt like it) but no other use. That helped us actually spend the time together and talk.

We got a babysitter. Even if only once a month, that night gave us something to look forward to.

We tried to keep sex going. The goal is at least every other night. Sometimes we do two in a row and then take 1-2 nights off. But it has to be prioritized or it's so easy to say you're too tired to do it.

We took nightly baths together. We have a huge tub so that worked, but it was a way to spend a few minutes alone with each other between kids' bedtime and getting into bed. We still do it 3-4 times a week, easily.

Sleep naked if you don't mind it.

[Anonymous]

Regarding babysitters and date nights... The part I can't reconcile is the guilt of WOH and then leaving DS with someone else for another few hours. I feel like I'm cheating him and myself out of quality time. Our marriage is fine btw, but I am very conscious of making sure marriage + baby dynamics are going well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have one child and am having trouble with this as well. Part of the issue is I work and am also the primary parent, which makes me more annoyed half the time. I think for us date night is really helpful, but I wish I had more advice for you.

we do date nights and they in some ways make things worse. There is so much pressure to actually want to be there and enjoy each others company. What I really want is time to myself. Then I feel recharged and have some attention left for my DH.