how do you put the marriage first when you have young kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm tired, the kids are demanding (ages 1 and 3), and honestly, my DH annoys me half of the time because I'm tired. What do you do to put it first?

[Anonymous]

Following this thread. We are in the same boat. It would be ok if we didn't put the marriage first, it's just not even in the top ten. -Signed mom of 1 year old twins.

[Anonymous]

I only have one child and am having trouble with this as well. Part of the issue is I work and am also the primary parent, which makes me more annoyed half the time. I think for us date night is really helpful, but I wish I had more advice for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm okay with putting the kids first and so is DH, our relationship is rock solid. Married 19 years.

[Anonymous]

On the weekends, each of you has one morning that you can sleep in or do something just for you while the other watches the kids. For me, I'll go to yoga or sleep until 9 while DH plays with the kids on Saturday. On Sunday, he'll sleep in or run an errand. Makes us happier to each other.

[Anonymous]

Be kind to each other. Look for ways to say nice things, do nice things, acknowledge the other person's efforts and be grateful. Even small stuff. And when that fails and I'm snippy, I own up and apologize.

Know that it's a short amount of time and you just have to get through it without any major battle scars.

Get babysitters. Don't be the people that refuse to ever leave your kids with other people. It's bad for your marriage.

Give each other alone time as a regularly scheduled event.

[Anonymous]

The people who gave me this advice were relatives who have a ton of family nearby and use their parents/the grandparents like nannies. So ya, easy to have weekly date nights and weekends away when you have free child care all around.

Now that my kids are a little older, 4 and 6, we try to have a sitter once a month. I also think that while you don't need to put your marriage first, you do need to invest time in it and spend time together even if that is on the couch chatting once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with putting the kids first and so is DH, our relationship is rock solid. Married 19 years.

Thanks for your insightful tips.

[Anonymous]

I go out once a week on my own - either to a dance or yoga class with friends, or to see a movie with someone, or go to a comedy club or something - even just sitting in a Starbucks and reading a magazine for two hours.

DH goes out once a week on HIS own.

We go out every Friday night together. Either just the two of us, or with other friends.

DH gets home before me, and feeds the kids dinner while cooking our dinner (they eat the prior night's leftovers) and then he and I eat dinner together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be kind to each other. Look for ways to say nice things, do nice things, acknowledge the other person's efforts and be grateful. Even small stuff. And when that fails and I'm snippy, I own up and apologize.

Know that it's a short amount of time and you just have to get through it without any major battle scars.

Get babysitters. Don't be the people that refuse to ever leave your kids with other people. It's bad for your marriage.

Give each other alone time as a regularly scheduled event.

This is excellent advice. Especially apologizing with a quick kiss when you're tired and snippy. I've done this often as a sleep deprived mom and it brings what could have been a really shitty night into a good one again.

[Anonymous]

Our young (almost 2 and almost 4) kids have hit a decent groove on the weekends (4 year old is up late during the week due to a late nap at daycare) and both are usually asleep by 7:30 or 8. Saturday night is the night that we take the actual time to cook something together (something we both enjoy), with a nice bottle of wine or special cocktail. We usually binge watch something we both enjoy or rent a movie. It's been a nice change of pace. We also both get out on our own at least once during the week to "recharge" and we're not afraid to call the babysitter a few times a month, even if it means we're spending more than we'd like to remember what it was like to be "us".

Oh, and sex. I'm not a high drive person AT ALL, but my husband is and it's his love language. If I had my way, I'd be in bed every night at 9pm. I choose a night or two every week to stay up and spend time together that usually leads to more. I also try to be especially affectionate on the weekends. It's not always easy, but lately we've been at a really solid point - which has not been the case with pregnancy, loss, and small kids and both working full time jobs. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We each have personal time at a set time every weekend. (Saturday morning and Sunday morning). It really helps to have it fixed and you don't have to arrange or ask or negotiate for it. Makes it much easier to see friends that way too.

Weekend babysitter once a month and you go out to brunch or work out together. Evening dates don't work for me, I'm just too tired. Get over the guilt of the babysitter. Our kids love their sitter. Hire someone who speaks a foreign language if you need to make it educational. If you are experiencing "maternal fatigue" ie you're worn out from bearing, nursing, and parenting small children, rest is the only cure. Get a babysitter every weekend until you feel better. Your kids will be much happier if you can get yourself un-crankified, and this is waaaay cheaper than divorce or therapy.

We do No-Chores Fridays. Friday nights we let everything go, sit in the middle of the mess and have a drink and play cards. It takes the pressure off conversation.

Being an adult child of divorce is my main motivation.

[Anonymous]

I have found that the best way to prioritize your marriage when your kids are being demanding is really just to be in it together. The times when my marriage has suffered have been the times when the division of labor/stress at home is really imbalanced. I'm not saying that a disconnect will be cured by someone stepping up to take out the trash, but I do think that there is a certain camaraderie that exists even in really stressful parenting situations, as well as a kind of strengthening of bonds that occurs when you get through those together.

We don't go out much, period, but we do make an effort to spend some time together every night. I am the boss of the kitchen - DH is not required to cook or clean it (though he occasionally does both). So in the evenings after DD goes to bed, DH often comes into the kitchen with me while I'm cleaning up, which is a good time for us to talk about our days or whatever before going to bed. When we go to bed, we pretty much always check in to see if we're in the mood for sex. Lately that's been less frequent (1-2x a week), but we keep checking even so.

[Anonymous]

Only person who gave me this advice IRL is now divorced.

When your kids are little their needs are more immediate and must come first. It's an all hands on deck situation and if you and your spouse are not on the same page it will be rough for a bit. But with kids, everything is a phase and their time as little is so short that strained marriages can and do survive.

Not saying your should ignore your marriage, just recognize the stage of life your are in. Marriage must be adaptable to all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who gave me this advice were relatives who have a ton of family nearby and use their parents/the grandparents like nannies. So ya, easy to have weekly date nights and weekends away when you have free child care all around.

Now that my kids are a little older, 4 and 6, we try to have a sitter once a month. I also think that while you don't need to put your marriage first, you do need to invest time in it and spend time together even if that is on the couch chatting once a week.

Yeah, I've noticed the same thing. Or people who have full-time nannies. I'm a sahm and we have neither so our date nights are weekend nights spent watching movies together and drinking wine (now that the 1-year old sleeps through the night), talking until late night while finishing off the wine, and then having some wild sex. I also don't actually believe in putting the marriage "first." I believe the needs of our children, those of us as individuals, and care of our relationship are all "firsts" and you prioritize based on urgency in the moment. For example, sex is an important connecting point for dh and me but if my baby is screaming in the middle of the night, we're going to stop doing that to take care of her. Frankly, in the pre-elementary years (maybe beyond but we're not there yet), I think the children usually do come first but that doesn't mean the relationship gets nothing.