fat husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP i don't think you will stay sexually attracted to him as he ages and as you both sag and get more gaunt (gauntness is more prevalent in thin people as they age) by the time you are beyond your 50's its not as much about sexual attraction but being comfortable yet sexual with the other.

I do realize this. But, I want a sexual relationship with him. Doesn't have to be a lot. Part of the problem is that we never had great sex, so this is exacerbating it. It's gotten to the point that I am pretty much sexually repulsed by him. It makes me sad and angry, though I don't really even blame him. I realize people grow old and get fat, it happens to so many people. But his fat somehow equals extreme lethargy so it just makes the sex problems way worse. He can't even seem to kiss me with vigor - any physical effort is just too much for him. Is that just how it is as people age?

No, late 40s is too young to be lethargic. But unhealthy eating and extra weight do suck out all energy.

It sucks you have to deal with this, OP. You say DH knows you're unhappy about his weight gain, but have you actually brought this up explicitly? Do you think a weight loss surgery would be a good option for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you give him time to hit the gym?

Or is it one more chore after another from you?

OP here and this made me laugh. I am about the least naggy woman you can imagine. I don't ask DH to do any chores at all. Sometimes we have conversations about things that need to be done and he will offer to do something, or he will just naturally step up as he feels necessary. I SAH so I take care of things at home and then hire people to do the typical "guy jobs". And I'd rather ask the kids to take care of something than DH. I just *really* don't believe in being a nagging wife, it ruins too many marriages and turns women into gross people.

I have told him that he can do any rearranging to his schedule that he would like, so that there is exercise time. We've had a conversation about this -- me encouraging him to do whatever he wants and I would be thrilled to support it. He can spend any money, come home two hours late, buy fancy new equipment, I don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been depressed?

Why do you assume being fat means being depressed? Plenty of fat happy people. A study actually said that tall fat men earned more than their thin male counterpart

Because it sounds like there's been a change in behavior that has contributed to the weight gain.

I agree with OP though -- lethargy tends to begat lethargy. I sit on the couch binge-watching Netflix and I know I should get up and move some. But, the couch is just so cozy. Maybe tomorrow... Etc.

OP, does your DH consume a lot of alcohol?

Way more than I do (I mostly do not drink at all, just sips here and there), but objectively I don't think it is too much or a problem. Maybe 2-3 drinks, once or twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been depressed?

Why do you assume being fat means being depressed? Plenty of fat happy people. A study actually said that tall fat men earned more than their thin male counterpart

Because it sounds like there's been a change in behavior that has contributed to the weight gain.

I agree with OP though -- lethargy tends to begat lethargy. I sit on the couch binge-watching Netflix and I know I should get up and move some. But, the couch is just so cozy. Maybe tomorrow... Etc.

OP, does your DH consume a lot of alcohol?

Way more than I do (I mostly do not drink at all, just sips here and there), but objectively I don't think it is too much or a problem. Maybe 2-3 drinks, once or twice a week.

It doesn't matter if it's problem drinking -- alcohol is pure sugar. Has he had a liver panel done? He probably has Metabolic Disease.

[Anonymous]

Can he join a group weight loss program? Personal trainer? Then someone else can be the nag. He may need some one, other than you and his doctor, to get him going and to keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP i don't think you will stay sexually attracted to him as he ages and as you both sag and get more gaunt (gauntness is more prevalent in thin people as they age) by the time you are beyond your 50's its not as much about sexual attraction but being comfortable yet sexual with the other.

I do realize this. But, I want a sexual relationship with him. Doesn't have to be a lot. Part of the problem is that we never had great sex, so this is exacerbating it. It's gotten to the point that I am pretty much sexually repulsed by him. It makes me sad and angry, though I don't really even blame him. I realize people grow old and get fat, it happens to so many people. But his fat somehow equals extreme lethargy so it just makes the sex problems way worse. He can't even seem to kiss me with vigor - any physical effort is just too much for him. Is that just how it is as people age?

No, late 40s is too young to be lethargic. But unhealthy eating and extra weight do suck out all energy.

It sucks you have to deal with this, OP. You say DH knows you're unhappy about his weight gain, but have you actually brought this up explicitly? Do you think a weight loss surgery would be a good option for him?

OP here. This is an interesting idea. I think he would be shocked at the suggestion, because my sense is he does not acknowledge just how fat he is.

And yes, I've brought it up one time very explicitly. Nicely, but crystal clear. It was a while ago though and he's probably honestly forgotten how intensely I felt about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he join a group weight loss program? Personal trainer? Then someone else can be the nag. He may need some one, other than you and his doctor, to get him going and to keep going.

GREAT idea! Why didn't I think of that? If I enrolled him he'd probably go. Oh and unfortunately his doctor doesn't say anything to him about his weight! Can you believe it?? It drives me batty.

Any good suggestions for weight loss programs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he join a group weight loss program? Personal trainer? Then someone else can be the nag. He may need some one, other than you and his doctor, to get him going and to keep going.

GREAT idea! Why didn't I think of that? If I enrolled him he'd probably go. Oh and unfortunately his doctor doesn't say anything to him about his weight! Can you believe it?? It drives me batty.

Any good suggestions for weight loss programs?

This is a great idea. I also would consider, if you have time, packing him a lunch to take to work that is healthy. It is just too tempting when you go out to get crap instead of something good, plus the proportions even at take out places is totally out of whack Keep only healthy breakfast items on hand. Even taking the kids to fast food twice a week isn't bad all by itself, but combined with all the other times, can sink you.

I am with you OP, minus the smell issue.. My husband has gotten huge with a job change where he can't get out for lunch (teacher). He packs his own lunch, and its usually peanut butter and jelly because it is easy for him. He eats just carbs. He knows he needs to get healthy, but he just doesn't find the time to do it.

[Anonymous]

Have him go for his physical. The lethargy makes me think thyroid issued or depression.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, you poor thing. I have a friend who is you in 20 years- her husband's weight gain got out of control, to the point where he can't do much of anything, can't visit his kids/grandkids, has constant medical problems, and his doctors have told him he'll be dead soon if he doesn't start eating healthy and exercising. His wife is such a sweet person and tries to help by cooking healthy and encouraging him to exercise, but she's just so.....nice about it. I often wonder if things would have turned out differently if years ago she had put her foot down and had a 'come to Jesus" with him. Have you been brutally honest with him- that you find him gross, he stinks, and sex sucks?

Unfortunately, I think a lot of the time people won't change unless there are huge consequences. I see the same dynamic in my friend's family that I've seen in families of alcoholics; the consequences of their choices aren't severe enough to motivate them to make changes. Would he be open to seeing a doctor and possibly doing therapy or Overeaters Anonymus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP i don't think you will stay sexually attracted to him as he ages and as you both sag and get more gaunt (gauntness is more prevalent in thin people as they age) by the time you are beyond your 50's its not as much about sexual attraction but being comfortable yet sexual with the other.

I do realize this. But, I want a sexual relationship with him. Doesn't have to be a lot. Part of the problem is that we never had great sex, so this is exacerbating it. It's gotten to the point that I am pretty much sexually repulsed by him. It makes me sad and angry, though I don't really even blame him. I realize people grow old and get fat, it happens to so many people. But his fat somehow equals extreme lethargy so it just makes the sex problems way worse. He can't even seem to kiss me with vigor - any physical effort is just too much for him. Is that just how it is as people age?

No, late 40s is too young to be lethargic. But unhealthy eating and extra weight do suck out all energy.

It sucks you have to deal with this, OP. You say DH knows you're unhappy about his weight gain, but have you actually brought this up explicitly? Do you think a weight loss surgery would be a good option for him?

OP here. This is an interesting idea. I think he would be shocked at the suggestion, because my sense is he does not acknowledge just how fat he is.

And yes, I've brought it up one time very explicitly. Nicely, but crystal clear. It was a while ago though and he's probably honestly forgotten how intensely I felt about it.

Probably not. It takes a really unfortunate picture to get me going! Sometimes people's perceptions of themselves are way off base. Like I look at my old photos and think, "Really? I thought I was fat?" Or I put on a too-revealing dress and realize... maybe not Anyway, you're probably right, and he does not realize the severity of the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm married to a fat guy, so that's my frame of reference with this. I think you are on to something with the depression/lethargy since this isn't how he started out. My morbidly obese dude, who I ADORE and have a healthy sexual relationship with, is actively taking care of himself and taking steps to change things. He got fatter after some health issues curtailed his favorite active hobbies...he was previously a very active and healthy fat guy. But his outlook is pretty sunny.

This sounds like depression for sure, and I'm glad you've had that conversation with him. Is it possible he doesn't feel very necessary? That's based on some good advice I got here once when DH was unemployed for a bit. Do you think it would change anything if you asked him to do more things around the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you give him time to hit the gym?

Or is it one more chore after another from you?

I am so sick of this obnoxious troll.

[Anonymous]

For the wives of overweight guys: Send them to the bodybuilding forum and have the search for intermittent fasting. Great online support group of guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he join a group weight loss program? Personal trainer? Then someone else can be the nag. He may need some one, other than you and his doctor, to get him going and to keep going.

GREAT idea! Why didn't I think of that? If I enrolled him he'd probably go. Oh and unfortunately his doctor doesn't say anything to him about his weight! Can you believe it?? It drives me batty.

Any good suggestions for weight loss programs?

How big is your DH, and did the physical reveal any side effects from the weight gain (higher blood sugar or increased blood pressure)? I ask because (1) a minor health scare that shows how the weight is impacting his body might be more effective than anything else and (2) my own obese husband now refuses to get a regular physical based on fear that the doctor will discuss his weight.