Sister is afraid of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit pestering her about it. Especially the dating questions-they need to stop. It's rude and intrusive. Your family needs to quit venting to you about each other, because it really doesn't involve you and it encourages you to meddle in your sister's business. Your parents are adults, and they can evict your sister when they're ready.

That said, it sounds frustrating to sit by and watch. But that's really what your role in this is.

Also, social anxiety is real, and if that's truly her problem, consider learning more about it so you can be empathetic rather than unkind to her.

OP here

You're right. I need to be better about shutting my parents down when they complain about my sister. My mom has been triangulating and venting about my sister for years. It sucks to be in the middle.

I really try to just love my sister for who she is it just gets on my mind from time to time. She visited me twice last month so it's definitely on my mind right now.

As for Aspbergers it's possible. I know it presents differently in women and she has some of the traits. It's not my place to tell her to go to a psychologist but I've thought that she should go talk to one for years. Or it could be social anxiety but then I've never seen her behave like she's highly anxious in new social situations. It could be because my presence reassures her? The only time I've ever seen her get really anxious in a social situation was when we were at a bachelorette party for a mutual friend and we had guys flirting with us. I'd tell them I was married but that my sister is single and apparently that really made her upset when I suggested that guys talk to her. It almost ruined the night out.


I don't think she is emulating anyone. Most of her friends and peers are married and have children. I am pretty sure she's straight. I think she has this abstract idea about wanting to be married and have kids someday but doesn't seem to want to take any practical steps towards that kind of life.

PP here. Totally not trying to be mean here. I'd definitely not bring up guys or try to fix her up anymore. She's clearly uncomfortable with that. And even if you do it in a nice, no pressure, or joking kind of way, it sounds like she perceives a history of you being pushy about it. She's not going to take even the gentlest nudges as anything other than badgering. Maybe she's gay, bi, asexual, or maybe she has some sexual trauma that happened somewhere along the way that makes her not able to cope with dating now. Who knows. But again, it's not yours to worry about. Maybe she's unhappy, but the kind of help you've been giving isn't making her happier.

Remember that dinner party scene in Bridget Jones' Diary? Where she was dreading being the only single person and how the married couples were asking horrible questions about her love life? That's what keeps coming to mind when you talk about your sister and men. I'm sure it's not that bad, but it can fee that way when you're on the receiving end.

I'm really confused why you think it's ok to get in the middle of her dating life, where she lives and her relationship with your parents, but you feel it isn't your place to suggest she be evaluated for a real medical issue. That seems really backwards to me.

Maybe she does want a family of her own someday. It could also be that she feels like it's expected of her by society, her parents, you, to want them. She might be just as happy single as she would be married but doesn't know how to say it.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to say, her anxiety might not be something you can see. My DD has pretty severe social anxiety. She keeps it well hidden. I knew w few situations that were bothering her, but I had no clue how bad it was until we started therapy. With your sister being an adult, she's had many more years to develop coping skills to get through necessary social situations. Just because you can't see the anxiety doesn't mean it's not there.

[Anonymous]

My mom solved it using the mom's network. A friend of a friend's daughter was moving out of an apartment and her roommate needed a replacement. Grat rent and a great location.

Tell your mom to send her feelers out to her network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Classic example of how immediate family members can't see the forest for the trees.

Your sister doesn't have "weird" social anxiety.
She has such a serious and debilitating issue (whatever it is) that it is keeping her from living a normal life: being independent and creating her own relationships with other people.

So you and your parents should sit her down, say you love her and tell her she needs to be evaluated by a psychologist. There might be meds (given by a psychiatrist) or therapy in her future. This might take a long long time, given how blind everybody has been until now!

Best of luck.

agree - your sister needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit pestering her about it. Especially the dating questions-they need to stop. It's rude and intrusive. Your family needs to quit venting to you about each other, because it really doesn't involve you and it encourages you to meddle in your sister's business. Your parents are adults, and they can evict your sister when they're ready.

That said, it sounds frustrating to sit by and watch. But that's really what your role in this is.

Also, social anxiety is real, and if that's truly her problem, consider learning more about it so you can be empathetic rather than unkind to her.

OP here

You're right. I need to be better about shutting my parents down when they complain about my sister. My mom has been triangulating and venting about my sister for years. It sucks to be in the middle.

I really try to just love my sister for who she is it just gets on my mind from time to time. She visited me twice last month so it's definitely on my mind right now.

As for Aspbergers it's possible. I know it presents differently in women and she has some of the traits. It's not my place to tell her to go to a psychologist but I've thought that she should go talk to one for years. Or it could be social anxiety but then I've never seen her behave like she's highly anxious in new social situations. It could be because my presence reassures her? The only time I've ever seen her get really anxious in a social situation was when we were at a bachelorette party for a mutual friend and we had guys flirting with us. I'd tell them I was married but that my sister is single and apparently that really made her upset when I suggested that guys talk to her. It almost ruined the night out.


I don't think she is emulating anyone. Most of her friends and peers are married and have children. I am pretty sure she's straight. I think she has this abstract idea about wanting to be married and have kids someday but doesn't seem to want to take any practical steps towards that kind of life.

I'm the one with the 45 yr old sister and this hits home. Went through this exactly with her. Straight, no family pressure on sexual preference so she'd have the latitude to come out, no anxiety, states she's happy, acts happy, but livid that anyone would 'force her' to meet someone.... umm... ok!

The good thing (hard for you though) is that your parents are aware and complain. Mine denied and let her live her life at home. Unless a guy happened to wander into the family home, down into the basement and strike up a conversation about comic books, she won't meet anyone. Everyone seems fine with this. The psychologist suggestion offended everyone and got shot down when suggested multiple times by me. She was screened for learning disorders but she's so high functioning, nothing was ever picked up, but at least that was a step in my parents acknowledging something was off... Something's off, but not off enough to get her committed/assessed so as it is, she lives a simple life and it's ok with everyone who foots the bill. My sister was never offended that I wanted her assessed, she took it all in placid stride like she takes everything. I'm not in control of it and neither are you, but if your parents complain, I'd use that to your advantage and keep the conversation goal oriented toward assessing/diagnosing/helping her. If your parents get help maybe she can help herself more. Especially if she is young enough to adapt to change. Look at community resources and have them put it to her if she's living in their home. Wish my parents had gone further with this.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents complaining about her living there? Or about her social skills?

If it's the the living together, anytime they bring it up you need to have concrete things they can do to get her out on her own. If they aren't willing to do those things, then say you are done talking about it. Don't just listen to complaints from them when they won't take steps to get her out on her own.

If they are complaining about her social skills, I'd shut it down completely. If your sister is happy, and it seems she is, then all of you need to DROP IT. She is an adult who is living her own life, let her.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's struggling with her sexual orientation and just hiding from life at your parent's house?

Could you come at it differently with her next time? Maybe talk about some goals or dreams that you have for your future and ask her what hers are?