Sister is afraid of growing up.

[Anonymous]

I know that in my hearts of hearts I should just let this go but it's hard to watch.

My sister just turned 29. She is witty, vivacious, kind and creative. After spending some time floundering she has a decent paying job that she really enjoys. The issue is that she moved in after college and has never moved out. She has no friends outside her work colleagues. She has never dated. She also has some weird social anxiety that keeps her from feeling comfortable meeting new people or making friends or dating. She isn't shy and handles herself fine in most social situations but she just will not try to meet new people.

My parents keep threatening to make her move out. The plan was once she got a full time job she'd move. But she's been working for almost a year and that still has not happened. They are sick of living together. Every time I talk to them they complain about how she lives rent free and has this entitled attitude but they just don't want to pull the trigger on actually asking her to move out. (and yes I know in some cultures adults live with their parents but this is not part of our culture.) I've asked my sister about whether she'd look for apartments but there's always an excuse about why it's so hard to find an hour or two to look at apartments (her weekends consist of laundry, doing her nails and watching netflix)

As for the dating thing, I think if she really wanted to be single I'd support her in that but I think she is just scared to try dating. Any time I try to ask her about it she just furious and defensive and just says that online dating is too hard.

It's just frustrating to watch her stagnate. I think if I was sure that she was happy having no friends or social life or romance I'd make my peace with it but I just find it really hard to watch knowing she just too scared.

[Anonymous]

The moving out thing is your parents' problem, not yours. When I lived with my parents as an adult they charged me rent. I once asked my father what would happen if I never wanted to move out and he laughed and just said "I'd just raise your rent higher and higher until it's more cost effective for you to live elsewhere."

[Anonymous]

Quit pestering her about it. Especially the dating questions-they need to stop. It's rude and intrusive. Your family needs to quit venting to you about each other, because it really doesn't involve you and it encourages you to meddle in your sister's business. Your parents are adults, and they can evict your sister when they're ready.

That said, it sounds frustrating to sit by and watch. But that's really what your role in this is.

Also, social anxiety is real, and if that's truly her problem, consider learning more about it so you can be empathetic rather than unkind to her.

[Anonymous]

None of it is your business. None of it.

It seems you have too much free time in your adult life. Try a hobby or spending ore time with your SO.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the PPs are being hard on you OP. My sibling is very much the same way, but lives on their own and has been working full time for some years. However, they don't date much and don't engage in any activities where they could meet new friends. I know it's not any of my business, but I love my sibling dearly and it is hard to watch them struggle. I know that they would like a bigger group of friends, a partner, children someday, and a higher paying job, but they don't take any steps to make those things happen. If they didn't want those things then I wouldn't be so sad/worried, but I know they do so its hard to watch them just drift. I know there is nothing I can do except love and support them, it I have noticed them pulling a way a little bit each time I "achieve a milestone" (according to our society) like get a graduate degree, get married, have a kid, etc. So, sadly no advice, but I hear you.

[Anonymous]

Classic example of how immediate family members can't see the forest for the trees.

Your sister doesn't have "weird" social anxiety.
She has such a serious and debilitating issue (whatever it is) that it is keeping her from living a normal life: being independent and creating her own relationships with other people.

So you and your parents should sit her down, say you love her and tell her she needs to be evaluated by a psychologist. There might be meds (given by a psychiatrist) or therapy in her future. This might take a long long time, given how blind everybody has been until now!

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the PPs are being hard on you OP. My sibling is very much the same way, but lives on their own and has been working full time for some years. However, they don't date much and don't engage in any activities where they could meet new friends. I know it's not any of my business, but I love my sibling dearly and it is hard to watch them struggle. I know that they would like a bigger group of friends, a partner, children someday, and a higher paying job, but they don't take any steps to make those things happen. If they didn't want those things then I wouldn't be so sad/worried, but I know they do so its hard to watch them just drift. I know there is nothing I can do except love and support them, it I have noticed them pulling a way a little bit each time I "achieve a milestone" (according to our society) like get a graduate degree, get married, have a kid, etc. So, sadly no advice, but I hear you.

You sound kind and mindful of your sibling's issues. OP sounds like she's asking lots of questions and judging her sister for not making the choices op approves of. Do you really think asking someone with social anxiety why they don't date more/what happened to that guy/why not use a dating app/however she wants to phrase it is helpful? I promise it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP

Do you think she might have Aspergers? Being afraid to grow up is a red flag to me because I have a teen with Aspergers who also doesn't want to grow up. However, your parents probably know they aren't doing her any favors. At the very least she should be paying rent and food etc. Maybe they could start there? I agree it would be great if she could be tested to know for sure and then maybe therapy to talk through her feelings? Be glad she does have a job and that she enjoys it. That's a very positive start! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Well, I am not from a culture where your sister's behavior is the norm and my parents would have been THRILLED if I had acted like your sister, staid at home, etc... I wanted to leave... Does your sister have other friends / coworkers who are behaving the same way, who she might be emulating?

Otherwise, it sounds like your sister may have some serious issues that you and your parents are papering over. Maybe your sister doesn't even know how to talk about them. The fact that she has NEVER dated anyone is a red flag; the fact that she is scared of new people is a red flag.

Have you considered that if she did date or if she did make friends they may be people you or your parents did not approve of? One friend I had who behaved like your sister came from a very large religious family, was a super-nice person, but was a closeted non-practicing lesbian. She lived at home, met social expectations of her family and community, never dated anyone, and has had an ok life.

I am not saying your sister is lesbian, but obviously something is causing her not to move on to her own life. My friend knows that she can not be herself and also please and keep her family. In your sister's case, who knows? Phobias? Anxiety? Insecurity? Afraid what she really wants to do won't be accepted?

If you and your parents want to help her, your parents could stop complaining and start charging your sister rent, instead of probably scaring her more by threatening to kick her out. Make her seeing a doctor and a therapist to address her issues and get some help contingent on staying at home. Your sister sounds like she needs caring people to baby-step her and help her towards independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP

Do you think she might have Aspergers? Being afraid to grow up is a red flag to me because I have a teen with Aspergers who also doesn't want to grow up. However, your parents probably know they aren't doing her any favors. At the very least she should be paying rent and food etc. Maybe they could start there? I agree it would be great if she could be tested to know for sure and then maybe therapy to talk through her feelings? Be glad she does have a job and that she enjoys it. That's a very positive start! Good luck!

This was also my question. My 19 year old son has similar issues and while he's never been diagnosed with Aspergers, I think if he'd been born a little later (he was born just before autism was as well recognized as it is now), he would have been diagnosed (he had what we now know are classic Aspergian traits, like reading maps and knowing the routes to places when he was 2 years old). He's very bright, high functioning, works, and attends college full time, but has a hard time socially-it's like serious work for him. He's also been to counseling. We insisted that he live at college, although it doubles our costs and he's only 30 minutes away, just so he'd get more social practice and not spend all his time at home. That strategy has worked fairly well. He's not "there" yet, but it's getting better. While he wants to grow up and I think he'll be successful at taking care of himself, I worry that he won't be able to make the meaningful connections that can enrich life.

[Anonymous]

"They" MYOB

[Anonymous]

Yeah I've got one of those and she's 45 now. So either cut your parents off and tell them that you're not gonna listen to the complaining unless they going to change it and solve it and do something different or go to therapy and find a way to get over it. It's not your business and yet it is your business because trust me it will affect your life the choices that she makes and doesn't make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit pestering her about it. Especially the dating questions-they need to stop. It's rude and intrusive. Your family needs to quit venting to you about each other, because it really doesn't involve you and it encourages you to meddle in your sister's business. Your parents are adults, and they can evict your sister when they're ready.

That said, it sounds frustrating to sit by and watch. But that's really what your role in this is.

Also, social anxiety is real, and if that's truly her problem, consider learning more about it so you can be empathetic rather than unkind to her.

OP here

You're right. I need to be better about shutting my parents down when they complain about my sister. My mom has been triangulating and venting about my sister for years. It sucks to be in the middle.

I really try to just love my sister for who she is it just gets on my mind from time to time. She visited me twice last month so it's definitely on my mind right now.

As for Aspbergers it's possible. I know it presents differently in women and she has some of the traits. It's not my place to tell her to go to a psychologist but I've thought that she should go talk to one for years. Or it could be social anxiety but then I've never seen her behave like she's highly anxious in new social situations. It could be because my presence reassures her? The only time I've ever seen her get really anxious in a social situation was when we were at a bachelorette party for a mutual friend and we had guys flirting with us. I'd tell them I was married but that my sister is single and apparently that really made her upset when I suggested that guys talk to her. It almost ruined the night out.


I don't think she is emulating anyone. Most of her friends and peers are married and have children. I am pretty sure she's straight. I think she has this abstract idea about wanting to be married and have kids someday but doesn't seem to want to take any practical steps towards that kind of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They" MYOB

I agree it is between your parents and your sister.

However, I strongly you encourage them to get professional therapists involved, otherwise when your parents pass on and your sister is unable to function on her own, who is she going to turn to help her with her "weird" issues?

Are you willing to cut her off and let her end up homeless if it comes to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Classic example of how immediate family members can't see the forest for the trees.

Your sister doesn't have "weird" social anxiety.
She has such a serious and debilitating issue (whatever it is) that it is keeping her from living a normal life: being independent and creating her own relationships with other people.

So you and your parents should sit her down, say you love her and tell her she needs to be evaluated by a psychologist. There might be meds (given by a psychiatrist) or therapy in her future. This might take a long long time, given how blind everybody has been until now!

Best of luck.

best post here. +1 to all of this.