Need Some Perspective on DD's Birthday Party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Thanks for your amazingly helpful reply! It's so cool that you know everything that's happened since she was born!!! Gold star for you!

Why does any of that result in this sort of turmoil for you? Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there an activity you could do for the party that would keep all three of them so busy that there really wouldn't be an opportunity for the friend and the cousin to pair off? Is there a 4th friend? Three's a crowd in any case, especially at this age, but you meant well, OP, and this is a tough one.

There will be 10-11 girls total (simmering else we've emphasized to DD.. that her other friends will be there, too, and she needs to pay attention to them as well). And plenty of activity - party is at a place where it is planned and they'll be busy.

[Anonymous]

Ugh something not simmering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child also has social delays. She has a lot of trouble with the concept that you can have two friends and, at the same time, each of your friends can have more than one friend. For us, it helped to emphasize that idea instead of telling her how to behave, because until she was reassured that she wouldn't lose her friend, she truly wasn't capable of behaving any differently.

Also, is the party just those three? Threesomes are really, really hard -- someone is going to feel left out. I would try to invite another kid.

Thank you, that is very helpful. We have had countless discussions with DD about how she'll always have her cousin but it doesn't seem to register. I really like your explanation and will try that approach.

[Anonymous]

You wanted to plan a party that your daughter would enjoy. You weren't trying to set her up for failure. We are all trying our best & live and learn.

Is she looking forward to or only dreading the party? If she is excited about the party, but having trouble handling the associated fears, I would have the party as a learning experience: "How to handle when people do not behave the way we want them to." If you decide to cancel, you win the points for standing your ground. If you have it, she might learn from the experience. Either way, you win.

By threatening to cancel if she said anything, you in essence told her she wasn't welcome to communicate her fears. Anxious people need the reassurance of others to check themselves against others when it comes to determining if their worry is realistic or not. As an adult with anxiety, I know I run things past my loved ones -perhaps more often than they would like- to make sure my feelings match "normal" since I cannot trust my brain. An 8 year old expressing their worry to their parent (even if it is over and over again) is looking for reassurance and help in handling the situation. It may have been unreasonable to ask her to hold those big fears inside. (Not judging you, just a perspective to consider) I GET that she wasn't sweetly saying, "Mother, I am a bit concerned about this upcoming party." She was saying it in her own, outsized way.

If you have the party, I would role play what she can do if her worst fears come true. How will she handle it? This might be a place for the therapist. Even write down all of the choices she has if X happens. I can play with someone else, I can get a drink, I can ask for a hug from my mom, I can take a break, etc.

The children and parents who are attending should know her and won't be surprised if she has difficulty with interactions. I disagree with the PP that it's rude to guests. I would be thrilled if someone cancelled a kid birthday party. At the party, be ready to remove her if it is too overwhelming (have an extra adult or hire a babysitter to be ready with plan B).

In parenting my own SN child, I am trying to not skip situations that might be difficult if they could be learning experiences. This is how I justify sending mine to school everyday, even though he'd have an easier time if I homeschooled him. (I would lose my mind, however) Not that I would purposely set him up to fail, but if I plan something just beyond his comfort zone sometimes that's where he can surprise us or learn an important lesson. Fodder for therapy.

Good luck, OP. Go with your gut. YOU know what's best for your kiddo.

[Anonymous]

Oh, big hug, OP.

I disagree that you're bending over backwards to her worries. She needs to learn to become okay/cope with her worries/anxiety.

It sucks when something that should be so basic and simple just makes you want to cry.

We haven't thrown a party for our kid in a couple of years b/c of the anxiety it provokes. In the future, one-on-one or special activity or present may be what happens vs. a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Please go back to Gen'l Parenting. You have no idea and count your lucky stars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wanted to plan a party that your daughter would enjoy. You weren't trying to set her up for failure. We are all trying our best & live and learn.

Is she looking forward to or only dreading the party? If she is excited about the party, but having trouble handling the associated fears, I would have the party as a learning experience: "How to handle when people do not behave the way we want them to." If you decide to cancel, you win the points for standing your ground. If you have it, she might learn from the experience. Either way, you win.

By threatening to cancel if she said anything, you in essence told her she wasn't welcome to communicate her fears. Anxious people need the reassurance of others to check themselves against others when it comes to determining if their worry is realistic or not. As an adult with anxiety, I know I run things past my loved ones -perhaps more often than they would like- to make sure my feelings match "normal" since I cannot trust my brain. An 8 year old expressing their worry to their parent (even if it is over and over again) is looking for reassurance and help in handling the situation. It may have been unreasonable to ask her to hold those big fears inside. (Not judging you, just a perspective to consider) I GET that she wasn't sweetly saying, "Mother, I am a bit concerned about this upcoming party." She was saying it in her own, outsized way.

If you have the party, I would role play what she can do if her worst fears come true. How will she handle it? This might be a place for the therapist. Even write down all of the choices she has if X happens. I can play with someone else, I can get a drink, I can ask for a hug from my mom, I can take a break, etc.

The children and parents who are attending should know her and won't be surprised if she has difficulty with interactions. I disagree with the PP that it's rude to guests. I would be thrilled if someone cancelled a kid birthday party. At the party, be ready to remove her if it is too overwhelming (have an extra adult or hire a babysitter to be ready with plan B).

In parenting my own SN child, I am trying to not skip situations that might be difficult if they could be learning experiences. This is how I justify sending mine to school everyday, even though he'd have an easier time if I homeschooled him. (I would lose my mind, however) Not that I would purposely set him up to fail, but if I plan something just beyond his comfort zone sometimes that's where he can surprise us or learn an important lesson. Fodder for therapy.

Good luck, OP. Go with your gut. YOU know what's best for your kiddo.

She is extremely excited about the party. PP, thank you for sharing and for your wise words. DH and I are really struggling with her lately and our empathy is shot after so many meltdowns. She becomes mean and hateful and even when we try to have her do any coping skills she's learned, she lashes out (verbally). She does do well calming down with space and time to cool down so we strive for that but sometimes she's resistant to that, too. There is a lot more DH and I need to learn in supporting her and doing the right things. I kind of want you to move in with me to help after reading your post!

[Anonymous]

Op, it takes the patience of a saint to deal with a kid's fixations and breakdowns without sometimes losing your cool, and none of us are saints. (Except the assholes who post judgmental things on here and probably have kids who have never had a single tantrum in their life.)

You got great advice above, I would just add re your threat to your dd to cancel that if you decide that isn't what you want to do, I don't think it sends a bad message to say you realize you were wrong for x reasons. It models to kids that it's ok to make mistakes and the right thing to do to acknoedge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wanted to plan a party that your daughter would enjoy. You weren't trying to set her up for failure. We are all trying our best & live and learn.

Is she looking forward to or only dreading the party? If she is excited about the party, but having trouble handling the associated fears, I would have the party as a learning experience: "How to handle when people do not behave the way we want them to." If you decide to cancel, you win the points for standing your ground. If you have it, she might learn from the experience. Either way, you win.

By threatening to cancel if she said anything, you in essence told her she wasn't welcome to communicate her fears. Anxious people need the reassurance of others to check themselves against others when it comes to determining if their worry is realistic or not. As an adult with anxiety, I know I run things past my loved ones -perhaps more often than they would like- to make sure my feelings match "normal" since I cannot trust my brain. An 8 year old expressing their worry to their parent (even if it is over and over again) is looking for reassurance and help in handling the situation. It may have been unreasonable to ask her to hold those big fears inside. (Not judging you, just a perspective to consider) I GET that she wasn't sweetly saying, "Mother, I am a bit concerned about this upcoming party." She was saying it in her own, outsized way.

If you have the party, I would role play what she can do if her worst fears come true. How will she handle it? This might be a place for the therapist. Even write down all of the choices she has if X happens. I can play with someone else, I can get a drink, I can ask for a hug from my mom, I can take a break, etc.

The children and parents who are attending should know her and won't be surprised if she has difficulty with interactions. I disagree with the PP that it's rude to guests. I would be thrilled if someone cancelled a kid birthday party. At the party, be ready to remove her if it is too overwhelming (have an extra adult or hire a babysitter to be ready with plan B).

In parenting my own SN child, I am trying to not skip situations that might be difficult if they could be learning experiences. This is how I justify sending mine to school everyday, even though he'd have an easier time if I homeschooled him. (I would lose my mind, however) Not that I would purposely set him up to fail, but if I plan something just beyond his comfort zone sometimes that's where he can surprise us or learn an important lesson. Fodder for therapy.

Good luck, OP. Go with your gut. YOU know what's best for your kiddo.

She is extremely excited about the party. PP, thank you for sharing and for your wise words. DH and I are really struggling with her lately and our empathy is shot after so many meltdowns. She becomes mean and hateful and even when we try to have her do any coping skills she's learned, she lashes out (verbally). She does do well calming down with space and time to cool down so we strive for that but sometimes she's resistant to that, too. There is a lot more DH and I need to learn in supporting her and doing the right things. I kind of want you to move in with me to help after reading your post!

Some days I would definitely consider moving out.

[Anonymous]

I would not cancel the party.

First of all, triangulation is huge at this age and what your daughter is going through is not at all uncommon, with Friend A and Friend B and the drama of the triangle. However, her OCD adds a flavor of hell to it that I'm sure is very difficult.

She can't stop perseverating and I'm sure that a lot of her anxiety about the party is focused on this and it's become a symptom at this point she can't control. Telling her to stop or you'll cancel is not going to work, any more than telling any adult to stop worrying about finding that receipt or you will "cancel" the tax audit. Canceling the party, in my opinion, will probably not even be effective since she's so entrenched in her obsession and her intrusive thought.

I would go through with the party, and plan activities that are structured around a group, without leaving a lot of time for pairing off, whispering in private ears, and such. Keep things moving. Make sure your daughter has a role to play and knows what that role is. She is the hostess and it's her job to make sure people are comfortable, etc.

I would role play with your child before the party. Be the guests, role play the activities, be the cousin and the coveted friend. Use fun, funny scenarios to act out some of her fears and defuse the tension as much as possible.

Good luck OP! Birthday parties are hell!

[Anonymous]

Since you're close to your SIL and she clearly knows of DD's challenges, can you have her cousin skip the party? You said she is celebrating with your DD one on one anyway. It would be unfair to the guests to cancel but would reduce DD's obsessing.

I wouldn't assume the behavior is related to ODD. I have a friend with a child who was at one time diagnosed with ODD who definitely doesn't have it. His behaviors were really caused by intense anxiety and ADHD that once properly treated improved. I worry sometimes kids with ODD aren't treated with as much compassion. It is assumed they are being willfull, oppositional, controlling or manipulative. My DD suffers severe anxiety and she would have had the same concerns at that age and she doesn't have ODD. It would have made her feel terribly if I said I was going to cancel her party because she was so so upset. If you feel I'm way off here, please just disregard my post but the diagnosis always raises a red flag for me when there are comorvid diagnoses.

I hope that the party goes well and your DD can enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Thanks for your amazingly helpful reply! It's so cool that you know everything that's happened since she was born!!! Gold star for you!

Seriously. NP here. It is beyond obnoxious when people come in and make statements like this. PP who made that comment, you totally suck. Oh wait, you don't totally suck? And if I knew you better I'd see that? hmmm.... see how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Please go back to Gen'l Parenting. You have no idea and count your lucky stars.

+1,000. Comments like this are so fucking obnoxious. If you are not dealing with SN, DO NOT COMMENT!!!! Go and be as inflexible as you want with your NT kids and fuck off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Thanks for your amazingly helpful reply! It's so cool that you know everything that's happened since she was born!!! Gold star for you!

Seriously. NP here. It is beyond obnoxious when people come in and make statements like this. PP who made that comment, you totally suck. Oh wait, you don't totally suck? And if I knew you better I'd see that? hmmm.... see how that works?

One of my first clues about DS's ADHD were the extreme tantrums and fixations. People who don't go through this have no idea. My DS frequently has behaviors that sabotage his own self interests. If he could stop, he would stop, but he can't. It's so maddening that even though no one understands it better than I do, my patience is often worn thin.

It's hard to live with and harder to be him-- I wish people would think or at least educate themselves before they make these simplistic comments. I have no issue with parents of NT children commenting- but the judgement is unacceptable. Especially when they haven't experienced it.