Need Some Perspective on DD's Birthday Party

[Anonymous]

Hi, I need some perspective on a birthday party issue we're having with DD. She is almost 8 and has been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, OCD, and ODD. She struggles with friendships and social skills (i.e. being too blunt). She is medicated and in weekly therapy. She has not had a birthday party with school friends since preschool and we decided to do a friends party this year. She has a cousin whom she is extremely close to and they have a mutual friend. This mutual friend is better friends with DD's cousin than DD and DD has a very, very hard time with this and is jealous of this friend. We invited the friend to the party because she is a neighbor, they're in the same grade, and because it's the right thing to do (DD is friends with her and they play regularly). Ever since the invitation went out, DD has been fixated on this friend clinging to her cousin and her not getting to spend time with her cousin at the party. Despite reassurances from DH and I and talking to her therapist about this, she was coming home from school angry and in tears every day because of the worry over this. She did tell the friend not to cling to her cousin and we had a talk about how that wasn't something you did because it hurts feelings. DH and I finally got fed up with the daily tantrums/meltdowns (they are extreme) over this and said that if she said any more about this friend, her party was cancelled. I did tell her that our overall goal was for her to be healthy and happy and it seemed like the party was causing a lot of stress for her. Well, it took about 3 days and she said something to her cousin about how she was worried about the friend clinging. I am upset with myself because I feel like we set DD up for failure by having a party like this when she doesn't handle things well. She is also a pusher and we have to be very firm with her (see ODD dx) so I feel like we can't go back on our word. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

When is the party? I would cancel it. It sounds like it's causing her a ton of frustration and anxiety. Have her invite that special friend (without the cousin) to have ice cream and that's it. Then have a family party where cousin can come.

[Anonymous]

The party is Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When is the party? I would cancel it. It sounds like it's causing her a ton of frustration and anxiety. Have her invite that special friend (without the cousin) to have ice cream and that's it. Then have a family party where cousin can come.

+1

[Anonymous]

What is the familial relationship with the cousins parents? Do you think you could ask them to talk to cousin and make sure cousin pays attention to your DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the familial relationship with the cousins parents? Do you think you could ask them to talk to cousin and make sure cousin pays attention to your DD?

Extremely close, cousin's mom is one of my best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the familial relationship with the cousins parents? Do you think you could ask them to talk to cousin and make sure cousin pays attention to your DD?

Extremely close, cousin's mom is one of my best friends.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be rude to the other guests to cancel at this point. I would do the party and set up a separate 1:1 with the cousin to do a private celebration a day or two later. You could even arrange for the cousin to stay after everyone else has gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the familial relationship with the cousins parents? Do you think you could ask them to talk to cousin and make sure cousin pays attention to your DD?

Extremely close, cousin's mom is one of my best friends.

OP here. Is that a fair burden to put on an 8 year old who honestly hasn't done anything wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be rude to the other guests to cancel at this point. I would do the party and set up a separate 1:1 with the cousin to do a private celebration a day or two later. You could even arrange for the cousin to stay after everyone else has gone.

I forgot to add to my OP that we did set up a separate birthday thing with just her cousin that she knows about.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, your child is over the top demanding. That's your overall problem because she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her "worries".

Thanks for your amazingly helpful reply! It's so cool that you know everything that's happened since she was born!!! Gold star for you!

[Anonymous]

Is there an activity you could do for the party that would keep all three of them so busy that there really wouldn't be an opportunity for the friend and the cousin to pair off? Is there a 4th friend? Three's a crowd in any case, especially at this age, but you meant well, OP, and this is a tough one.

[Anonymous]

My child also has social delays. She has a lot of trouble with the concept that you can have two friends and, at the same time, each of your friends can have more than one friend. For us, it helped to emphasize that idea instead of telling her how to behave, because until she was reassured that she wouldn't lose her friend, she truly wasn't capable of behaving any differently.

Also, is the party just those three? Threesomes are really, really hard -- someone is going to feel left out. I would try to invite another kid.