Reply to Need Some Perspective on DD's Birthday Party

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You wanted to plan a party that your daughter would enjoy. You weren't trying to set her up for failure. We are all trying our best & live and learn.

Is she looking forward to or only dreading the party? If she is excited about the party, but having trouble handling the associated fears, I would have the party as a learning experience: "How to handle when people do not behave the way we want them to."  If you decide to cancel, you win the points for standing your ground. If you have it, she might learn from the experience. Either way, you win.

By threatening to cancel if she said anything, you in essence told her she wasn't welcome to communicate her fears. Anxious people need the reassurance of others to check themselves against others when it comes to determining if their worry is realistic or not. As an adult with anxiety, I know I run things past my loved ones -perhaps more often than they would like- to make sure my feelings match "normal" since I cannot trust my brain. An 8 year old expressing their worry to their parent (even if it is over and over again) is looking for reassurance and help in handling the situation. It may have been unreasonable to ask her to hold those big fears inside. (Not judging you, just a perspective to consider)  I GET that she wasn't sweetly saying, "Mother, I am a bit concerned about this upcoming party." She was saying it in her own, outsized way.

If you have the party,  I would role play what she can do if her worst fears come true. How will she handle it? This might be a place for the therapist. Even write down all of the choices she has if X happens. I can play with someone else, I can get a drink, I can ask for a hug from my mom, I can take a break, etc.

The children and parents who are attending should know her and won't be surprised if she has difficulty with interactions. I disagree with the PP that it's rude to guests. I would be thrilled if someone cancelled a kid birthday party. At the party, be ready to remove her if it is too overwhelming (have an extra adult or hire a babysitter to be ready with plan B).

In parenting my own SN child, I am trying to not skip situations that might be difficult if they could be learning experiences. This is how I justify sending mine to school everyday, even though he'd have an easier time if I homeschooled him. (I would lose my mind, however) Not that I would purposely set him up to fail, but if I plan something just beyond his comfort zone sometimes that's where he can surprise us or learn an important lesson. Fodder for therapy.

Good luck, OP. Go with your gut. YOU know what's best for your kiddo.

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She is extremely excited about the party. PP, thank you for sharing and for your wise words. DH and I are really struggling with her lately and our empathy is shot after so many meltdowns. She becomes mean and hateful and even when we try to have her do any coping skills she's learned, she lashes out (verbally). She does do well calming down with space and time to cool down so we strive for that but sometimes she's resistant to that, too. There is a lot more DH and I need to learn in supporting her and doing the right things. I kind of want you to move in with me to help after reading your post!

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Some days I would definitely consider moving out. :)  [/quote]

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