Advice for divorcing narcissistic husband?
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Anonymous
I agree, especially if you're in VA. Get to a different state ASAP. |
Anonymous
Have you been to court yet? |
Anonymous
No, I am only just preparing to leave. What does it mean that the courts are good to such types of people? How? And I don't have much money for a court battle. Can't lawyers come to an agreement without going to court? What kinds of strategies do these men use? I assume this is explained in that book also. Thank you for the recommendation, I will look for it. |
Anonymous
| I am divorcing a narcissist. We didn't go to court. In part this is because his public image (he's a lawyer at a big firm) was very important and there were other issues he did not want to become public. It is possible; it just depends on what his drivers are and whether he will be more intent on destroying you than worried about his own image. Mine was also cheap - he called off his attack dog lawyer after he got his first $15,000 bill. I don't think I've spent that much the entire time and he ran that up in two months! |
Anonymous
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I tried collaborative mediation and although I loved my lawyer, but it still cost 20k to get away from him.
He fought me on EVERYTHING and went to lawyer for each and every gripe. That got old and expensive quick, but did not deter him. General Advice: Take photos of all of your rooms in the house to document furniture, etc (He will fight you on EVERYTHING because you are DESTROYING HIS LIFE!! (eyes roll)) Make sure you KNOW what is in your bank accounts (if shared) and have access-print out statements Shared credit cards-the same. If he is authorized user get him off your accounts ASAP. Line up your lawyer-yes you need one and don't get cheap even if you don't have a lot of money, find a shark Hugs OP, this can be done. |
Anonymous
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After a year of battles I'm now in possession of a signed agreement. If you are like me, you have allowed him too much say in your life. It took me far too long but I finally realized that you DO NOT ENGAGE with this man after you move out. Send an email stating the terms of any conversation you cannot avoid (say, about the kids) and if he breaks those terms (say, using pejorative language, not reading before responding, etc.) you shut down the conversation and call your own shots. Anything related to the divorce itself must go through your attorney.
My ex used a high-flying lawyer who spent our money. We should have separated accounts at the beginning. One friend did a smart thing: ask to separate accounts before tipping your hand that you want a divorce. Just say you would feel more comfortable that way. |
Anonymous
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Two more things:
I don't necessarily agree you need a shark. I used a smart but cheap lawyer and I did all the agreement-drafting myself. I called the shots, he just reviewed. Also, it might be wise to tell your lawyer not to have phone calls with the other lawyer to which you are not privy. They cut deals without knowing what trade-offs you are willing to take. |
Anonymous
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OP, be prepared for a high conflict experience, be prepared for the worst. If his NPD goes to the level of being a sociopath, expect him to be manipulative and to lie. He may not be, but be prepared for all sorts of accusations.
Many NPD spouses try to turn things around to make YOU seem like the abuser while they're the victim. They'll start recruiting friends and family and twist partial facts to give credibility to their claims and fill in the story. You need experts to help you through this if it turns down this path. He may agree to alternative resolution on many things, but I think you will need an advocate in your corner, someone who understands the dynamics of personality disorders. Budget $5000 to $15000 for an attorney. If he starts making outrageous lies, you will have someone who can calmly refute these, step by step, early on. It is harder to UNDO things once it is entered as a court order. Also be prepared to hire your own experts. Get a therapist. You will need as much documentation that YOU are the reasonable party as you can get. Remember, the courts don't know you, and you cant assume they'll be able o understand what an NPD diagnosis means. They'll assume you're BOTH nuts, or when he starts with the outrageous accusations, their negative assumptions will make things extra difficult for you trying to prove each allegation is false. Start now building your support system. You will need it. Prepare your closest friends that you may be a basket case during this. Try to arrange time off from work. Please start reading the book Splitting. It was written by a lawyer and Social worker, and I swear, it was like a play by play book of everything my NPD ex-husband did. Eerie. |
Anonymous
| Op never tip your hand that you are divorcing, in fact do the opposite... I would hold off. If possible make him think everything is fine and you will work things out. Meanwhile slowly get yourself in a GREAT position. Your own account he doesn't know about, cash somewhere hidden that he can't get to. A parent, somewhere. Pay your cc off in your name....etc. I had a spouse that was verbally abusive, and I planned mine for 3 years. I would not be in the position I am today if I had not done that. I've seen too many women go from the frying pan into the fire. |
Anonymous
Fuck you. No shortage on women either. |
Anonymous
...said the narcissistic sociopath male. |
Anonymous
This is good advice. My divorce would have been easier if I followed the do not engage advice. But I wanted to be nice and "do it with love". This just keeps the pain and abuse cycle going. I know it sounds harsh. But as time goes on if you don't follow this up front it gets even harder to keep your resolve and you end up sucked back in and getting hurt again and again and again. So I'm telling you to do what I couldn't and keep that boundary. It is for your own good, I really, really promise. One thing about separating accounts. I just opened a new one and redirected my paycheck and he never said boo about it. I realize this doesn't work for everyone. I did not need access to his cash. Our entire deal was basically a walk away and we had little non-retirement savings, so we just kept our own retirement accounts and split up the houses, etc. I am lucky it was simple enough. I did cash out part of my 401k ahead of time and rented an apartment because I knew it would be ugly when I told him and that I might need to grab the kids and go. I found out you can furnish a whole apartment online from Ikea, Amazon and Target.com. He had no idea the whole time. I was able to pull it together in a few months, although I saw that someone else planned for three years. That probably would have been smarter and I could have planned better what I wanted the settlement to look like, but I was so beat down I just needed out. I wish I had seen a financial adviser so I knew better how to manage all this and what my ask should be. Once I left, I tried to do just that but his lawyer objected to having any financial adviser input or any real accounting of assets because I would "poison them to my side". See above re others' cautions about how you will be made out to be the crazy one or all-powerful or anything other than what you are, which is a victim trying to do a hard thing to free herself from hell. Good luck to you, OP. And stick with your gut on getting a lawyer who knows how to deal with people like this. |
Anonymous
Said the hypocrite narcissistic female |
Anonymous
| Get a real medical diagnosis. |
Anonymous
| OP - can you give more context about the marriage? Any kid(s)? |