How to navigate this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that said it takes more than sperm to be a father. I think a lot depends on how your DH was informed of this and his relationship with his father. Did his father know? How is your DH's relationship with his father? How did the news come out - in a moment of anger? Did his father know all this time? If his relationship with his parents is already troubled, I think this would be very difficult Counseling could help you both better learn to deal with it. Hugs.

He's got a good relationship with his dad. Which is one reason I think he's having a hard time with this because his dad has known for many years and he feels lied to.


MIL says his bio father did not know but DH doesn't believe her because she put up a fuss about telling him his name and other basic details.

None of this came out in a good way.
I have suggested talking to someone just as a neutral 3rd party to help sort through the emotions, but so far no one is willing to go.

I know he has absolutely every right to deal with this the way he wants to, and I'm trying to respect that.]
I just know how much he loves his family, he's truly a family guy and I'd hate to see that get thrown away for his sake and the sake of our kids.

How was this information revealed?

Did his dad know from the start? I give your FIL a lot of credit for that not many men would marry a pregnant single mom.

I wonder why MIL didn't tell your husband his father's name weird.

Anyway, I don't think you should engage with your MIL. All your energy should be focused towards your husband. Tell her she is welcome to see your kids and continue that relationship, but she will have to patch things up with her son on her own.

Ignore her attempt so bring you into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

It's been about a month. My MIL thinks that's enough time. She doesn't see it as a huge deal because he had a good life. I think she's just scared

I understand he needs time and I'm trying to give him that, but he won't communicate with the in-laws , so MIL is driving me mad. His father and brothers have been relatively silent.

She doesn't think it is a big deal because it isn't a big deal. Your Dh needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

It's been about a month. My MIL thinks that's enough time. She doesn't see it as a huge deal because he had a good life. I think she's just scared

I understand he needs time and I'm trying to give him that, but he won't communicate with the in-laws , so MIL is driving me mad. His father and brothers have been relatively silent.

Ask your DH what he wants you to do about the communication with his mom.

Maybe DH just needs a couple month break to process all this. See what he says.

Tell your MIL to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You support your husband. You let him have his anger. This is a terrible secret to keep. He has every right to be angry at the people who've kept him in the dark.

Support your husband. He is your family. When she reaches out to you about it, tell MIL "This is really between you and John."

This.

If you have to say anything to MIL, let her know the best support you have to offer right now is by being there to help DH heal so that someday he can decide on rapprochement. But you do not belong in the middle of this and that is on her, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

It's been about a month. My MIL thinks that's enough time. She doesn't see it as a huge deal because he had a good life. I think she's just scared

I understand he needs time and I'm trying to give him that, but he won't communicate with the in-laws , so MIL is driving me mad. His father and brothers have been relatively silent.

She doesn't think it is a big deal because it isn't a big deal. Your Dh needs to get a grip.

If it wasn't a big deal she should have told him.
It's not a big deal that FIL is not his bio dad. The big deal is that it was kept from him all these years and then blurted it out thoughtlessly. I doubt he'd have a problem. Given the details I can understand why they didn't tell him as a kid, , but he's been an adult for over a decade now. Why she didn't sit him down and have a heart to heart is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that said it takes more than sperm to be a father. I think a lot depends on how your DH was informed of this and his relationship with his father. Did his father know? How is your DH's relationship with his father? How did the news come out - in a moment of anger? Did his father know all this time? If his relationship with his parents is already troubled, I think this would be very difficult Counseling could help you both better learn to deal with it. Hugs.

He's got a good relationship with his dad. Which is one reason I think he's having a hard time with this because his dad has known for many years and he feels lied to.


MIL says his bio father did not know but DH doesn't believe her because she put up a fuss about telling him his name and other basic details.

None of this came out in a good way.
I have suggested talking to someone just as a neutral 3rd party to help sort through the emotions, but so far no one is willing to go.

I know he has absolutely every right to deal with this the way he wants to, and I'm trying to respect that.]
I just know how much he loves his family, he's truly a family guy and I'd hate to see that get thrown away for his sake and the sake of our kids.

How was this information revealed?

Did his dad know from the start? I give your FIL a lot of credit for that not many men would marry a pregnant single mom.

I wonder why MIL didn't tell your husband his father's name weird.

Anyway, I don't think you should engage with your MIL. All your energy should be focused towards your husband. Tell her she is welcome to see your kids and continue that relationship, but she will have to patch things up with her son on her own.

Ignore her attempt so bring you into it.

It was blurted out , in fairness the person didn't realize my husband didn't know.
My FIL has known since my husband was 5

The name thing I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You support your husband. You let him have his anger. This is a terrible secret to keep. He has every right to be angry at the people who've kept him in the dark.

Support your husband. He is your family. When she reaches out to you about it, tell MIL "This is really between you and John."

This.

If you have to say anything to MIL, let her know the best support you have to offer right now is by being there to help DH heal so that someday he can decide on rapprochement. But you do not belong in the middle of this and that is on her, not you.

I know you and PP are right. I haven't pushed my husband one way or another. I do hope things can be healed for the sake of family. I'm just going to have to become a master of ignoring my MIL and changing the subject which should be ok unless she gets weepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

It's been about a month. My MIL thinks that's enough time. She doesn't see it as a huge deal because he had a good life. I think she's just scared

I understand he needs time and I'm trying to give him that, but he won't communicate with the in-laws , so MIL is driving me mad. His father and brothers have been relatively silent.

She doesn't think it is a big deal because it isn't a big deal. Your Dh needs to get a grip.

Oh my. Life is just so easy from where you are sitting.

[Anonymous]

Oh my, OP. What a mess. I feel for you.
If you weren't being stuck with MIL, I would say you should say nothing to her. But if you are stuck with her and she is urging you to intervene, simply point out to her that (1) your DH has only known about this for a month while she has known for decades (2) that her attempts to minimize this by saying he has had a good life and that it isn't important is not the way to mend things because obviously it is a big deal to him, and she should be more empathetic and not just expect him to "get over it" (3) it seems like your DH feels a sense of betrayal that people besides him (this person who blurted it out) know key information about his own life that he did not and that was deliberately kept from him (4) was the plan to never tell him?
Maybe your MIL could watch the movie "Open Secrets" or do some reading and try to learn some new ways of approaching her son. The key thing seems to be not just the info but the thoughtless way it came out. Your poor DH.