How to navigate this situation?

[Anonymous]

DH recently found out that FIL is not his bio father. He is understandably devastated.

My MIL has reached out to me asking for my support in mending things with DH


In interest of full disclosure , I've never had a close relationship it was never spiteful or volatile we're just from different backgrounds and have different opinions on things. I think my MIL thought I looked down on her. Which I haven't. I've tried, but she's always kept me at arm's length. She loves my husband and our DCs so I've just dealt with it.

So how do I do this I don't want to be in the middle, but I am.

DH is angry and I don't blame him, but MIL is in her late 60s , and I'm a mom to a little boy I'd hate for their relationship to be ruined.

What do I do here?

[Anonymous]

You support your husband. You let him have his anger. This is a terrible secret to keep. He has every right to be angry at the people who've kept him in the dark.

Support your husband. He is your family. When she reaches out to you about it, tell MIL "This is really between you and John."

[Anonymous]

You are not in the middle. You are beside your husband, supporting him.
You should suggest he seek out counseling to help him navigate through this.

[Anonymous]

Oh I don't think DH is wrong to be hurt and angry at all. It's just hard because he's not in a good space with his parents right now, but MIL is still seeing the kids, it's just very awkward. DH doesn't want to be in the same room right now, so I'm left with MIL etc.

I've tried telling her I wish there was something I could do , but it's between the two of them.

But then it's all, but I'm his wife and she knows I have influence, and if I could just tell him xyz. Sometimes she'll cry and talk about her regrets and her age.

[Anonymous]

You support your husband as others have said.

I think you try not to let him wallow. I think you keep a philosophy of family unity. Try to keep a tone that his father (FIL) is still his father. Refer to him that way (your dad). A father is much more than a sperm donor.

I think you try to keep a tone that everyone makes mistakes. Yes, this was badly handled, but how in the hell could there have been a right time to announce such news?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that said it takes more than sperm to be a father. I think a lot depends on how your DH was informed of this and his relationship with his father. Did his father know? How is your DH's relationship with his father? How did the news come out - in a moment of anger? Did his father know all this time? If his relationship with his parents is already troubled, I think this would be very difficult Counseling could help you both better learn to deal with it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You've got to be beside DH's side here. I would encourage him to get to counseling.

Regarding your MIL, I think you tell her that she needs to work this out with DH, that it will take some time, and that it is ultimately up to him.

That may mean you don't see her as much for awhile, or that DH needs to go visit solo to hash some things out. Be open to these possibilities and follow DH's lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You support your husband as others have said.

I think you try not to let him wallow. I think you keep a philosophy of family unity. Try to keep a tone that his father (FIL) is still his father. Refer to him that way (your dad). A father is much more than a sperm donor.

I think you try to keep a tone that everyone makes mistakes. Yes, this was badly handled, but how in the hell could there have been a right time to announce such news?

I've said that to him that FIL is his dad no matter what.

I'm doing my best to remain neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that said it takes more than sperm to be a father. I think a lot depends on how your DH was informed of this and his relationship with his father. Did his father know? How is your DH's relationship with his father? How did the news come out - in a moment of anger? Did his father know all this time? If his relationship with his parents is already troubled, I think this would be very difficult Counseling could help you both better learn to deal with it. Hugs.

He's got a good relationship with his dad. Which is one reason I think he's having a hard time with this because his dad has known for many years and he feels lied to.


MIL says his bio father did not know but DH doesn't believe her because she put up a fuss about telling him his name and other basic details.

None of this came out in a good way.
I have suggested talking to someone just as a neutral 3rd party to help sort through the emotions, but so far no one is willing to go.

I know he has absolutely every right to deal with this the way he wants to, and I'm trying to respect that.]
I just know how much he loves his family, he's truly a family guy and I'd hate to see that get thrown away for his sake and the sake of our kids.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs time to process everything. He's raw with everything right now. Keep the communication with your MIL open, but you are 100% supporting your DH. Tell her he needs to sort through this information in his own time. She's known for years, he just found out.

He won't throw it all away, he's just an emotional wreck right now (understandably so). If his mother wants to try and mend the relationship she needs to give him time.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't completely ignore your MIL's message, but I would let her know that my only stake in this is family unity, but you're not going to push your husband to deal with this at a different pace.

[Anonymous]

He needs time. He will get through it. Things won't be the same as they were. But he will get through it. Let him feel the pain and anger and everything else. If he doesn't, and doesn't face it, he will never heal.

[Anonymous]

"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

[Anonymous]

Anger is often a way to manage crises. Dealing with the full impact of this situation is devastating and it's very easy (especially for men, who are often more comfortable with anger than sadness or depression) to place their feelings in the anger (power) pocket than the devastation (weakness) pocket.

The anger may have to play out and give way. Give it some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Recently"... leave your husband alone. No one should be expecting normalcy at this time. If this is still a problem in two or three years, we can talk.

It's been about a month. My MIL thinks that's enough time. She doesn't see it as a huge deal because he had a good life. I think she's just scared

I understand he needs time and I'm trying to give him that, but he won't communicate with the in-laws , so MIL is driving me mad. His father and brothers have been relatively silent.