Elderly Parent, Memory issues, Car accidents

[Anonymous]

My inlaws were like this--if you don't talk about it, it won't happen. We found it helpful to have some sessions with a geriatric care manager to talk about realistic options. Then she came over and we all had a discussion. It got us farther than we got on our own because she was the "expert." I could see it going the other way too, so YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't push burial plans at the same time. His driving is the bigger issue. I'd do Uber and taxis unless there are friends and relatives willing and able to help out with the driving. Doesn't sound like your dad is going to want to have a helper around just yet since he is doing everything else fine. My parents are 88 and 92 and haven't decided on a burial plan either. When the time comes, we kids will just do what we think is best.

Yeah, drop the plot issue. A burial is for the living, not the person who has died. Your dad MUST engage with and live with the decisions like how he gets to poker, and whether he is safe to use the stove. If he doesn't want to discuss burial, fine - you'll just have to make the decisions for him, and since you are the one who has to live with the decisions, isn't that okay?

I so sympathize, OP. My dad has late stage Parkinsons and I was a social worker for elders with dementia for many years. Your life with dad is going to get difficult and complicated for a while. Hang in there, and just drop all issues that are non-essential, that don't promote safety and happiness. There are too many really important things you are going to work out to also deal with non-essentials.

[Anonymous]

Check out the Fairfax County Department of Aging website. My elderly relative receives discount Taxi Coupons through one of their programs.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you feel the need to push the burial plot thing. That's small compared to other items you could be worried about and needing him to resolve.

[Anonymous]

OP here-My father has agreed to taking the bus and metro. I will be going with him to get a smartphone so he can download uber and perhaps a taxi hailing app.

Next step is financials....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-My father has agreed to taking the bus and metro. I will be going with him to get a smartphone so he can download uber and perhaps a taxi hailing app.

Next step is financials....

My DH just downloaded Uber for his mom. Right now she has her friends and family driving her around. One of these days she'll take the plunge because we have had her picked up a couple of times already and it was a positive experience.

[Anonymous]

Definitely talk to the state/county/local Council on the Aging (or department.) There are lots of agencies that can help with finding drivers and other assistance and also help you begin planning for next stages of care. My father's license was rescinded after failing a neuro test and it was such a crazy short-term crisis; but in retrospect I'm so glad it happened because it forced us to come to grips with the fact that he needed additional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi All,


My Dad, age 79, has been having memory issues for awhile. Other than that he is very active, works in the yard, mows, goes out for lunch, library every day and goes out to poker games every night. However, since June, he has totaled two cars. Both daytime accidents. Obviously, I need to take away his keys, but I want to leave him with an alternative, so he can still make some of his poker nights. For lunch, there are a dozen or so restaurants within walking distance. We are in West Springfield, near the Whole Foods.

Taxiing to poker would be too pricey and I am not sure he could do Uber, especially since his phone is a simple (non-smart phone.) Does anyone else have suggestions, especially if you are dealing with this as well.

Thanks for your time...

You need to call his doctor TODAY and have him notify DMV so they can have him come in and take the driver's test or hand in his license. Call his car insurance too and let them know of his dementia diagnosis. HE.SHOULD.NEVER.DRIVE.AGAIN. How will you feel if he kills someone's daughter or son the next time- knowing what you know and that you did nothing to prevent it?

+1. I saw an elderly man yesterday cut off 3 rows of traffic turning left from the right lane (he cut across a straight lane and 2 left turn lanes). Then I guess he got confused and just stopped right in the middle of the road before turning left in a complex (again from a right lane and cutting off traffic to his left). It was sad and stressful to witness because clearly he didn't intend to do it. Hopefully, at least. Please don't let him drive again lest he hurt someone else.

[Anonymous]

My elderly parents have both totaled cars. Turns out with my dad he fell asleep at the wheel and needed sleep meds and a cpap adjustment to make sure he was sleeping at night. With my mom, she had cataracts and needed surgery. It might be an issue that can be resolved...

Otherwise could you set him up to host poker night? Get a table and stuff and have his friends come?

[Anonymous]

It will be a lot more expensive if he hits someone and gets sued, not to mention the pain and suffering he and the other party will feel if he seriously injures someone. Do something TODAY, don't wait around for a catastrophe.

[Anonymous]

My elderly neighbor killed himself in a car accident. He had had a series of smaller accidents beforehand and should not have been driving.

Thank goodness he did not kill anyone else in the accident.

[Anonymous]

FYI - you can do Uber for someone else- they don't have to have it themselves. I did this for my folks last time they came to visit and I couldn't get to the airport in time to get them. I called an Uber for them from my phone and it went very smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I will check into this. I am not sure if my Dad has any real poker friends (or a crowd) he hangs with, but I will check into the carpool option.

I can't even get him to look at burial plots (this has been going on for over 20 years.) he doesn't want to be cremated, but apparently feels like he should stick me and my schizophrenic kid sister with all that. Bringing up death or dementia/cancer/etc is a yields "I don't want to talk about that."

PPs have given some really good ideas.

OP, the fact that he won't discuss anything to do with aging means you're going to have to force the issue. This is why I second the idea above of getting his doctor involved if the doctor is amenable--not just about the driving but about making plans for a time when your dad is not able to go and do for himself. Some older people, and especially some older men, just won't listen to family members (especially their children) but will listen to a third party professional. You will need to prepare the doctor in advance and ensure the doctor doesn't say "Your kids want X and Y" -- the advice needs to come from the professional, not be seen by dad as you putting the doctor up to it.

When dad says, "I don't want to talk about it" to YOU, I guess I'd counter with, "I understand you don't want to talk about it. But what I don't want is to be the one explaining to another family why you were still driving and hurt their family member. So far only your cars have been damaged but one day it'll be another person, or you. It's time to have this talk, make changes, and then you can carry on with poker or whatever." Regarding burial plots, I'd tell him that you have a list of three choices, here are photos of them etc., and he needs to pick one by the end of the week or you'll pick for him that same day. All done with a big smile on your face but a very firm attitude as you sit down with him and say, this can be over and things decided by 5:00 today or I can come back and bug you with this every day over and over. Your choice, dad.

Mean, I know, but I've seen other older parents who evaded any discussion of driving or planning for the future or their deaths and the result was a sudden illness or injury and a nightmare of scrambling for their adult children to find in-home care, or a place in a residential home or nursing home (not always available when you want them), etc.

Hi there, this is the OP again. Here's what I am up against. My sister has been in the mental health system since 1988, and had a big breakdown December 26th. I have not heard from her since (I am on the do not contact list.), My Aunt, Age 76, was just diagnosed with a hard to treat Leukemia, and I am her research person finding doctors, treatments, etc. My aunt's life partner, age 74, she has so many physical and emotional issues, that I'm her researcher, too. And, it's just me... gay, no grandkid generation from me or my sister.

And my father leaves the room whenever anyone asks him about burial plots, moving into assisted living, giving up driving, updating his will, or going to see the doctor. I will contact the DMV (I will go in tomorrow.) I will contact his doctor again, but he has been unresponsive so far. And I will check on the Fairfax county office of aging.

Thanks for being there to listen and offer advice.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I like the Uber idea, but we lock our cell phones up a work, and reception in this area (Fort Belvoir) doesn't work until I'm by hayfield HS

[Anonymous]

well, his girlfriend blabbed. She can't keep a secret. Is that a Filipino thing? So, I can't afford to move out, which he will definitely do if I proceed. so, be careful out there folks.