Elderly Parent, Memory issues, Car accidents
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Anonymous
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Hi All,
My Dad, age 79, has been having memory issues for awhile. Other than that he is very active, works in the yard, mows, goes out for lunch, library every day and goes out to poker games every night. However, since June, he has totaled two cars. Both daytime accidents. Obviously, I need to take away his keys, but I want to leave him with an alternative, so he can still make some of his poker nights. For lunch, there are a dozen or so restaurants within walking distance. We are in West Springfield, near the Whole Foods. Taxiing to poker would be too pricey and I am not sure he could do Uber, especially since his phone is a simple (non-smart phone.) Does anyone else have suggestions, especially if you are dealing with this as well. Thanks for your time... |
Anonymous
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Can you get his poker friends involved? Have a buddy pick him up for PN?
You may need to intervene NOW via his physician. A doc can revoke a DL in VA. I took this option with my then frail and slightly confused grandfather. Also went through this with my dad. More complicated issues, but once he failed a neuro test, that was it! We sold his car to avoid temptation and further problems, but in this case, my dad had dementia and was moving into asst living. |
Anonymous
| Uber really is the best way we've found for our elderly parents. The other thing is, OP...this is probably just the start, and so maybe you could be having conversations about services in general, and what he wants life to look like for him as his body and mind change. My parents decided to move to a continuing care community, and that solved the driving problem. My DH's Dad still lives at home with moderate dementia and has friends drive him. It isn't perfect. But for the immediate, if Uber doesn't work and cabs are too expensive, can one of the poker buddies pick him up? |
Anonymous
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Why would taking a taxi be more expensive that wrecking cars? Add up how much you pay for car payments, car insurance and car taxes (a lot in VA). That is your monthly taxi budget.
Otherwise, I'd organize someone to give him a ride each week. You can pay them, or do another favor in return. Who does he play with, would someone drive him? |
Anonymous
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OP are you taking into account gas, maintenance and insurance rates when you do your cost comparison?
You probably have a better idea as to whether a smart phone would make sense in your father's situation. I agree with the PP that it's a good idea to get his physician involved. Even if you don't need them to revoke your father's license, they should be in the loop about the car accidents, to check for strokes or other issues that could be at play. |
Anonymous
| Look into hiring a caregiver service - they can drive him to activities, doctors appointments, grocery store. If/when his needs get more complex they can provide other services, such as cooking or help with bathing. |
Anonymous
| Curious: why do you think using a taxi is too expensive? |
Anonymous
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This is so scary. What does his car insurance say? I'm surprised he's not dropped now. He could easily kill himself or someone else.
another option that people haven't mentioned is a "helper." My sister is a helper for several disabled persons and it's affordable. She spends about 2-4 hours with the person at a time. They mostly run errands and do activities together. |
Anonymous
That's what I was thinking. Smart phone + uber is going to be cheaper than the cost of car insurance, at this point. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks. I will check into this. I am not sure if my Dad has any real poker friends (or a crowd) he hangs with, but I will check into the carpool option.
I can't even get him to look at burial plots (this has been going on for over 20 years.) he doesn't want to be cremated, but apparently feels like he should stick me and my schizophrenic kid sister with all that. Bringing up death or dementia/cancer/etc is a yields "I don't want to talk about that." |
Anonymous
You need to call his doctor TODAY and have him notify DMV so they can have him come in and take the driver's test or hand in his license. Call his car insurance too and let them know of his dementia diagnosis. HE.SHOULD.NEVER.DRIVE.AGAIN. How will you feel if he kills someone's daughter or son the next time- knowing what you know and that you did nothing to prevent it? |
Anonymous
PPs have given some really good ideas. OP, the fact that he won't discuss anything to do with aging means you're going to have to force the issue. This is why I second the idea above of getting his doctor involved if the doctor is amenable--not just about the driving but about making plans for a time when your dad is not able to go and do for himself. Some older people, and especially some older men, just won't listen to family members (especially their children) but will listen to a third party professional. You will need to prepare the doctor in advance and ensure the doctor doesn't say "Your kids want X and Y" -- the advice needs to come from the professional, not be seen by dad as you putting the doctor up to it. When dad says, "I don't want to talk about it" to YOU, I guess I'd counter with, "I understand you don't want to talk about it. But what I don't want is to be the one explaining to another family why you were still driving and hurt their family member. So far only your cars have been damaged but one day it'll be another person, or you. It's time to have this talk, make changes, and then you can carry on with poker or whatever." Regarding burial plots, I'd tell him that you have a list of three choices, here are photos of them etc., and he needs to pick one by the end of the week or you'll pick for him that same day. All done with a big smile on your face but a very firm attitude as you sit down with him and say, this can be over and things decided by 5:00 today or I can come back and bug you with this every day over and over. Your choice, dad. Mean, I know, but I've seen other older parents who evaded any discussion of driving or planning for the future or their deaths and the result was a sudden illness or injury and a nightmare of scrambling for their adult children to find in-home care, or a place in a residential home or nursing home (not always available when you want them), etc. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks. And this will be a good week to do it. My Dad's GF who lives in Ottowa is in town. Between the two of us.... |
Anonymous
| Taxis are cheaper than new cars! |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't push burial plans at the same time. His driving is the bigger issue. I'd do Uber and taxis unless there are friends and relatives willing and able to help out with the driving. Doesn't sound like your dad is going to want to have a helper around just yet since he is doing everything else fine. My parents are 88 and 92 and haven't decided on a burial plan either. When the time comes, we kids will just do what we think is best. |