When in laws or parents visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL isn't this way at all when she visits. She goes with our "flow"

Same with my in laws. They try to help by walking the dog, taking out the trash, setting the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is normal, I think; they feel like they are with their nuclear family, even though that's not necessarily how you see it.

Pick your battles, but set some boundaries. And set a schedule and communicate!

Two days out, call them: "Mom, during your visit, I've prepared lasagna for Friday, chili for Saturday, and we will do Thai take-out for Sunday. I've also gotten your basics: cottage cheese, low fat yogurt and Raisin Bran. If you want to bring more food, let me know now because I don't have a lot of fridge space left."

Before the TV goes on: "We can check headlines for half an hour, then I need the TV off in the den. If you want to watch more, feel free to go to the rec room."

Give where you can, but speak up if you need to! How will they know your boundaries/preferences if you don't set/communicate them?

Obviously, you were not taught how to make guests feel comfortable. They are are there for, maybe one week, and they're older and are set in their ways. Be generous because one day this will be you!

You're either a doormat host or a pushy guest--which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is normal, I think; they feel like they are with their nuclear family, even though that's not necessarily how you see it.

Pick your battles, but set some boundaries. And set a schedule and communicate!

Two days out, call them: "Mom, during your visit, I've prepared lasagna for Friday, chili for Saturday, and we will do Thai take-out for Sunday. I've also gotten your basics: cottage cheese, low fat yogurt and Raisin Bran. If you want to bring more food, let me know now because I don't have a lot of fridge space left."

Before the TV goes on: "We can check headlines for half an hour, then I need the TV off in the den. If you want to watch more, feel free to go to the rec room."

Give where you can, but speak up if you need to! How will they know your boundaries/preferences if you don't set/communicate them?

HAHAHA

OP, go ahead and make this announcement to your ILs. You will indeed have the TV off and more quiet. Then you will have 25 years of hurt feelings, chilliness, and possibly gossip in your extended family and drama with your DH. But so what! You told them.

Bingo. What are they looking to win here?

NP. I agree with the bolded. The TV is not blaring all day in my house with two small kids. Period. DH feels the same. We lend my FIL an iPad while he's here, and he loves watching clips on it so the TV isn't constantly on. Win-win!

[Anonymous]

Have them over less often.

They can bring over what they want, you eat what you want.

In the name of DD's upbringing, feel free to switch off the TV.

[Anonymous]

Set some boundaries, or accept and stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

My ILs just don't feel comfortable with silence, in fact they need a "ball game" on in the background at all times to feel at home. It's like a fireplace to them, a place to return to occasionally to ground themselves maybe? Can't relate.

We are out and about doing stuff though so I can deal with it for one week a year. I accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they just come in and take over? I had plans for dinner yesterday that they knew about but I got home and they had brought their leftover cabbage soup for everyone to eat. We don't watch much TV but when they're here, it's constantly tuned into MSNBC or CNN really loud even when I try to turn it off. They bring in their own food and clutter up the fridge (it's not for us, they take it when they leave) despite the fact that DH and I pre-plan meals and stock up for them. And then even though they sleep in at their own house until 9:00am, they insist on getting up and out of bed when DD and I wake up at 6:30 to "spend time with her" then completely ignore her to watch TV or play on the internet. I'm just so irritated, I need alone time and I don't get ANY. Just a vent.

My mom brings a cooler of stuff. So the F* what. Just more food and now I do not have to cook if I don't feel like it. I never heard of anyone keeling over dead because their guests did not eat the hosts planned lasagna meal or the tv was on more than usual.
Geez some folks act like such babies if their routine and plans are thrown off a tad.
Learn to go with the flow, you'll live longer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is normal, I think; they feel like they are with their nuclear family, even though that's not necessarily how you see it.

Pick your battles, but set some boundaries. And set a schedule and communicate!

Two days out, call them: "Mom, during your visit, I've prepared lasagna for Friday, chili for Saturday, and we will do Thai take-out for Sunday. I've also gotten your basics: cottage cheese, low fat yogurt and Raisin Bran. If you want to bring more food, let me know now because I don't have a lot of fridge space left."

Before the TV goes on: "We can check headlines for half an hour, then I need the TV off in the den. If you want to watch more, feel free to go to the rec room."

Give where you can, but speak up if you need to! How will they know your boundaries/preferences if you don't set/communicate them?

HAHAHA

OP, go ahead and make this announcement to your ILs. You will indeed have the TV off and more quiet. Then you will have 25 years of hurt feelings, chilliness, and possibly gossip in your extended family and drama with your DH. But so what! You told them.

Bingo. What are they looking to win here?

Exactly, lines in the sand over chili and Rachel Maddow. Gimme a break!!

[Anonymous]

Why post if you don' t want to make the situation better?

[Anonymous]

We don't own a TV, so that avoids the news issue - maybe pack up & store the TV away when the ILs are visting, if you know they're addicted to having it on as background noise?

My MIL tends to take over the kitchen - I cede it to a large extent. She likes her own cooking more than mine and makes insulting/"helpful" comments when I cook, so it's less trouble to let her do it. She ruins our pots & pans, but since she doesn't visit often, I just accept it and replace what's broken once she leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 60's and I couldn't eat your chili or lasagna. Use to. Not now. I'd be the toilet all evening. Pls let me eat what I know works for me.

OP here - I never said anything about chili or lasagna. My ILs food is actually pretty unhealthy compared to what we eat at home, so sorry, I'm not contributing to your poop issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is normal, I think; they feel like they are with their nuclear family, even though that's not necessarily how you see it.

Pick your battles, but set some boundaries. And set a schedule and communicate!

Two days out, call them: "Mom, during your visit, I've prepared lasagna for Friday, chili for Saturday, and we will do Thai take-out for Sunday. I've also gotten your basics: cottage cheese, low fat yogurt and Raisin Bran. If you want to bring more food, let me know now because I don't have a lot of fridge space left."

Before the TV goes on: "We can check headlines for half an hour, then I need the TV off in the den. If you want to watch more, feel free to go to the rec room."

Give where you can, but speak up if you need to! How will they know your boundaries/preferences if you don't set/communicate them?

HAHAHA

OP, go ahead and make this announcement to your ILs. You will indeed have the TV off and more quiet. Then you will have 25 years of hurt feelings, chilliness, and possibly gossip in your extended family and drama with your DH. But so what! You told them.

OP here - and this is exactly why I'm venting on an anonymous internet forum and not saying anything to them in person. I suck it up while they're here and complain to strangers, they think I'm a good DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why post if you don' t want to make the situation better?

Because it's the internet and I can. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Time for a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is normal, I think; they feel like they are with their nuclear family, even though that's not necessarily how you see it.

Pick your battles, but set some boundaries. And set a schedule and communicate!

Two days out, call them: "Mom, during your visit, I've prepared lasagna for Friday, chili for Saturday, and we will do Thai take-out for Sunday. I've also gotten your basics: cottage cheese, low fat yogurt and Raisin Bran. If you want to bring more food, let me know now because I don't have a lot of fridge space left."

Before the TV goes on: "We can check headlines for half an hour, then I need the TV off in the den. If you want to watch more, feel free to go to the rec room."

Give where you can, but speak up if you need to! How will they know your boundaries/preferences if you don't set/communicate them?

Obviously, you were not taught how to make guests feel comfortable. They are are there for, maybe one week, and they're older and are set in their ways. Be generous because one day this will be you!

You're either a doormat host or a pushy guest--which is it?

Neither. I am a gracious hostess and I make my guests feel at home.