Please help...DH and I have fundamentally different views on what makes us happy

[Anonymous]

What kinds of plans/outlook did you mutually agree upon before getting married?

[Anonymous]

Op should of realized that a father doesn't change and you will be unhappy unless you are willing to accept what makes him happy. Family will always be there and its obvious he never had it to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is not close to his family. His whole life is about adventure. This is his second marriage. He has two teens who are raised by their mother. He sees them 2x per year bc we live halfway across the world. Happiness for him is globetrotting, eating exotic food, drinking, meeting new people. He is 44. He has the energy of a 25 year old.

Happiness for me is being surrounded by family. We have a toddler son (12 months old). Happiness for me is moving back to my hometown to raise my boy with his two cousins who are of similar age, and his grandparents. I like to travel too, but I don't want an on the go lifestyle. I want to take a few awesome trips per year. I don't need to live the adventure.

So, I'm the stick in the mud, he's the wild and crazy. How do we reconcile and plan a future together? Help!

You make genuine peace with the fact that your DH isn't going to be the guy that lives in your hometown or makes being a good parent a priority. And then you pursue permanent birth control.

The only problem with the above is presumably your DH wants YOU to be doing all this stuff with him. Which isn't going to work out so well for your child. Don't dump your kid to keep up with your husband. Somebody has to be the grownup for your son. And it looks like it's going to be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He takes one of those highly compensated but crazy travel jobs that nobody senior wants when they have kids. You live in your hometown and take jr and jet off to meet him. Be super flexible and it will be habit. Rest of the time you nestle at home!

Essentially your choices boil down to:
A - one of you compromises, either he gives up globetrotting and settles for the once or twice a year traveling vacation with the family or you settle for world travel lifestyle with the once or twice a year visits back home with the kid (with or without husband)
B - you get a divorce
C - you live separate lives, you move home to raise your child with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins. He takes globetrotting job that makes him happy. You agree to meet regularly (maybe quarterly or every other month) and you alternate whether you and the child go to visit him or he comes "home". So you'll see each other 4-6 times a year for a week or two.

There really aren't a lot of options when you don't really come to an agreement before you get married. You vaguely think you discussed it but don't really recall the resolution. You really should not have married until you were both on the same page. I understand that the current temporary job wasn't on the table when you decided to get married, but the fundamentals of living near family vs the adventure of traveling for work and working with travel should have been pretty evident and should have been discussed to the point that you were in agreement how to compromise before you even set the wedding date, let alone went through with it.

[Anonymous]

I'd say several trips a year is as close to globetrotting as you get, so what's his deal? He wants to live on the road? Why marry then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you decide when you talked about your view of married life before the wedding?

I don't remember-we didn't make any kind of hard and fast decisions. The game changer was fairly recent, when he got offered a great job overseas which was supposed to be temporary (3 years) but could be permanent if we plan ahead.

????????

Your first clue should have been that he ditched the first two kids. With that information, you didn't ask some questions and remember the answers?

[Anonymous]

The guy is exciting to date and even be married to kid-free, but he's got other people -- his first wife and now OP -- to handle the heavy lifting at least with regard to kids.

[Anonymous]

The guy is exciting to date and even be married to kid-free, but he's got other people -- his first wife and now OP -- to handle the heavy lifting at least with regard to kids.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I'll flip the script. Understanding what brought you together may help keep you together. Why did he marry you? What kind of lie were you all living then? What did he say about your future together?

Then, how did it happen you had a baby? Did you plan it, discuss it? How didd your husband react? Surely there have been signs all along?

How does your husband discuss his divorce? How did you two reflect as a couple of how your marriage would be different?

Honestly, I don't mean this as a criticism - you knew he was divorced and rarely saw his kids from his first marriage. What made you think he was good marriage material and you all had the same life goals? That he would be a good father?

Maybe by reflecting on those things, you can develop a bath forward. What does he say now when you say you want to move home? Or is it always about him and what's new with him?

[Anonymous]

Where is his job offer? Depending on the location, I would go and live overseas with him for one or two years to try it out. Lots of trips home.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to move to your sleepy hometown. If that was a deal breaker for you, you should have mentioned that before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'll flip the script. Understanding what brought you together may help keep you together. Why did he marry you? What kind of lie were you all living then? What did he say about your future together?

Then, how did it happen you had a baby? Did you plan it, discuss it? How didd your husband react? Surely there have been signs all along?

How does your husband discuss his divorce? How did you two reflect as a couple of how your marriage would be different?

Honestly, I don't mean this as a criticism - you knew he was divorced and rarely saw his kids from his first marriage. What made you think he was good marriage material and you all had the same life goals? That he would be a good father?

Maybe by reflecting on those things, you can develop a bath forward. What does he say now when you say you want to move home? Or is it always about him and what's new with him?

She thought she was special, and that he would be different with her. Oops.

[Amaze0707]

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. Have you and your H consider counseling? A third-party person with an expert opinion can be very helpful especially like the situation you are facing. Praying for your family!

[Anonymous]

You thought you could change him huh? The man is behaving just the way you met him. I'm I the only woman on this planet that beliefs you cannot change a man and vice versa. You either accept the person for who he/she is from day 1 or move on to someone else that meets your expectation. Adults change if they want to but that's a personal decision. How is it even possible that you didn't discuss with him indepth a topic that's fundamental to a successful marriage, both your definitions of happiness, prior to marriage is insane? This is common sense stuff. New Marital rule: They should be some kind of "marriage expectation agreement" signed by both man and wife on the day of marriage and both spouses keep a copy. Since some don't want to take any responsibility for their personal choices and blame the world for using faulty logic to make major life decisions. Whenever a spouse violates the agreement, just bring out the agreement signed. This may not solve all the marital problems but it's a start. This is getting ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Amaze0707 wrote:I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. Have you and your H consider counseling? A third-party person with an expert opinion can be very helpful especially like the situation you are facing. Praying for your family!

Yawn.