Hospice care for my parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it at your home.

We did this for a parent. We were in townhouse replaced the dining room furniture with a medical bed. Our parent only lived a few weeks under care Friends could visit all the time

You will not want to drive to give care near the end

For your son it will be a live changing experience for the better

Difficult time to live through the stress and pain can bring out the best and worst in your family.

I'm a PP, and it's not about OP's driving convenience. It's about her mom's final days. Mom should at least have a vote, if she's able to, as to where she passes. OP can adjust to what her mom wants. If Mom can't communicate her preference, her HCP (probably OP) should decide what her mom would want for herself, not what is easier for OP.

Death at home is not necessarily a painless, peaceful experience, despite all the hype about hospice. I would think long and hard before inviting someone to die in my home when children are present. Watching people moan and thrash around in agitation (not necessarily pain) can be very scary, and not all hospice nurses are capable of getting these symptoms under control. I say this based on very recent experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it at your home.

We did this for a parent. We were in townhouse replaced the dining room furniture with a medical bed. Our parent only lived a few weeks under care Friends could visit all the time

You will not want to drive to give care near the end

For your son it will be a live changing experience for the better

Difficult time to live through the stress and pain can bring out the best and worst in your family.

I'm a PP, and it's not about OP's driving convenience. It's about her mom's final days. Mom should at least have a vote, if she's able to, as to where she passes. OP can adjust to what her mom wants. If Mom can't communicate her preference, her HCP (probably OP) should decide what her mom would want for herself, not what is easier for OP.

Death at home is not necessarily a painless, peaceful experience, despite all the hype about hospice. I would think long and hard before inviting someone to die in my home when children are present. Watching people moan and thrash around in agitation (not necessarily pain) can be very scary, and not all hospice nurses are capable of getting these symptoms under control. I say this based on very recent experience.

I agree with the PP. Also a recent experience that was pretty awful. On the flip side, my uncle passed quietly and without a lot of fanfare in hospice but you never know how it's going to go. It can be nightmare-inducing and may taint how the child views their memories of the grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP. We had hospice for both my parents but it wasn't full time in house care. One of us was there full time and for the last week or so it was 24 HR care provided by family. Unless you put her into a hospice facility or somehow work the system, Medicare pays for very little hospice care IN home.

I disagree with PP in having your child around. My kids were around for the death of both my parents. For my mom they were under 5 and for my dad they were 8-12. Hard. Super hard but we are a few years out and they are fine. I think it is something family does together.

Good luck and hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

male here and i recently went threw this with my mother and the hospital gave me the choice of bringing mother home or a hospice care center.i chose the center.its a tough phasr in life and im still grieving in my own way of not having my mother alive ,best wishes & prayers to you op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:male here and i recently went threw this with my mother and the hospital gave me the choice of bringing mother home or a hospice care center.i chose the center.its a tough phasr in life and im still grieving in my own way of not having my mother alive ,best wishes & prayers to you op.

I'm one of the PPs that is leary about in home hospice. My family member ended up being moved to a hospice center due to uncontrolled pain, and it was far better -- a nurse was available at all times to deal with pain and agitation. In the end, we were pushing the dilaudid button every 10 minutes. You essentially need round the clock care -- fortunately we had family members that were able to work in shifts. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it at your home.

We did this for a parent. We were in townhouse replaced the dining room furniture with a medical bed. Our parent only lived a few weeks under care Friends could visit all the time

You will not want to drive to give care near the end

For your son it will be a live changing experience for the better

Difficult time to live through the stress and pain can bring out the best and worst in your family.

I'm a PP, and it's not about OP's driving convenience. It's about her mom's final days. Mom should at least have a vote, if she's able to, as to where she passes. OP can adjust to what her mom wants. If Mom can't communicate her preference, her HCP (probably OP) should decide what her mom would want for herself, not what is easier for OP.

Death at home is not necessarily a painless, peaceful experience, despite all the hype about hospice. I would think long and hard before inviting someone to die in my home when children are present. Watching people moan and thrash around in agitation (not necessarily pain) can be very scary, and not all hospice nurses are capable of getting these symptoms under control. I say this based on very recent experience.

OP, I agree with this poster. My mom died in in-home hospice (out of state when I was a single parent, btw). Dying can be rough. It drove this teetotaler to drinking mini liquor bottles up in the guest bedroom at night, waking up some days praying the woman I loved most was already dead. Hospice care workers are amazing, and my experience with the people who work in it is that we (my stepdad and I) had people to answer questions and come sit and help with things before we even knew exactly how we needed them. Your mom's home might be best.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely do it at your house, if that is fine with your mother. It's a time to create closeness, not distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know ur child best, but i think 10yr old is mature enough to understand the circle of life. This would be a good opportunity to show him compassion and humanity in real life terms. It is stressful- the last thing on your mind should be logistics for child care. Plus, the hospice nurses are simply wonderful.

I think it would be very upsetting. I'll side with those who say mom's apartment.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Let mom decide.
That being said, my mom's last week was in hospice in a hospital and it was peaceful and gentle, every moment until she quietly, softly slipped away. Hospice nurses and volunteers are saints, there's simply no other way to put it.

You may want to do it at her apt so you have the ability to sneak off for a moment or two to your own space to scream or cry or inappropriately laugh because everything is so f'ing shitty.

I'm sorry, OP. Sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know ur child best, but i think 10yr old is mature enough to understand the circle of life. This would be a good opportunity to show him compassion and humanity in real life terms. It is stressful- the last thing on your mind should be logistics for child care. Plus, the hospice nurses are simply wonderful.

I agree with this. My sister died in her daughter's home and the grandchildren (10 and 4) were present during her care. The 10 year old was present, because she wanted to be, when her grandmother died. OP, if it is logistically easier for you manage her care in your home, then do so. Most likely, your son will be in school much of the time, and you can coordinate with friends and family to provide him with some fun activities and outlets when he needs a break.

I'm sorry about your mother, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let mom decide.
That being said, my mom's last week was in hospice in a hospital and it was peaceful and gentle, every moment until she quietly, softly slipped away. Hospice nurses and volunteers are saints, there's simply no other way to put it.

You may want to do it at her apt so you have the ability to sneak off for a moment or two to your own space to scream or cry or inappropriately laugh because everything is so f'ing shitty.

I'm sorry, OP. Sending you strength.

This is easier to do when someone is in a hospice center, because there's round the clock nursing care. At home, you have to coordinate with others, and it is more challenging to leave whenever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the very end or the last few days isn't pleasant and isn't pretty. Sometimes a loved one passes in peace. Be aware that if you do it at your home it may be a horrifying last few days (from someone who's been there). That's why I would recommend her home. Or if she comes to your home make sure her room could be closed off if it gets really bad toward the end. It's a lot for a kid to take in, especially if they were close to the family member.

As much as I'd like to say have her in your home, I think the above consideration is really important. My grandfather died at home under hospice care and I still haven't gotten over a particularly horrifying day that I shared with him, and I was an adult at the time.

Aside from personal experience, I've heard a lot about this over the years because my mother was a hospice nurse. It may be worth discussing the options with the hospice team. They may be able to give you a realistic sense of how things will most likely progress based on your mother's condition and the pain management plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you and your mother are going through this. It is a terrible process that I chose to shield my much younger child from. My mother was terrified of being alone so there was no leaving even for a moment. I think for your mother's sake you should expect to be available as much as possible. Please ask family and friends to help care for your son so you can devote your time to your mother. Then I would take the time to talk frankly with your son. Reassure him that you love him and that you have a duty to your mother. I don't know about her being at your home though. It is a very long and sad journey.