hiding all sorts of mental illness from my DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband does not sound very perceptive. What is his disorder? How can anyone possibly love with someone on the spectrum, with ADHD, Anxiety and depression? Those are pretty serious mental problems. Are you sure he does not already know? Aside from the Aspergers the other 3 are easy to spot a mile away and make maintaining relationships quite difficult.

With the ADHD, I've learned coping mechanisms over the years, that are so second nature that I didn't even realize the were coping mechanisms until someone pointed it out (the crazy list making, etc). I'm also an engineer, so people attribute lots of my oddities to that. The depression is less of an issue because it was really just PPD that didn't resolve until later because it wasn't treated. I don't have major depression. Really I'm just talking Aspgers and ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cluster of conditions you described can be managed if you are aware. Whether you have the exact label is less important than working with the right therapist(s) on the right things.

A separate issue is your DH's attitude toward mental illness. People can be quite prejudiced and maybe he doesn't need the label (even if you do). Whether you are formally diagnosed, the bigger questions are how supportive is he when appropriate?

He thinks I should be able to handle most things on my own - and I could handle a lot more before we had a baby. I'm officially "recovered" from PPD now, but I feel like it weakened my overall resiliency. So not very supportive, although if you ask him, he thinks he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I've been working on the depression alone since our baby was 8 months old, so partly yes, I'd be happy working it on it alone. I think mostly his comments about institutionalizing people with ASD's bothers me more. I'm not violent. I'm a fully functioning member of society. I just struggle in social situations and other, smaller, things (like figuring out makeup).

And I really wish he didn't consider depression a character flaw. PPD nearly destroyed me, in no small part because I didn't have the support from family and friends and yes, my husband, that I should. He still claims lack of social support doesn't contribute to PPD.

Here's the thing, OP. I don't know that it's that important to be honest with your husband but not being honest with your husband means not being honest with your children. Pps have mentioned the possibility of this being hereditary but no one has yet mentioned that it won't help your kids to hide this from them as well. My mom hid her massive anxiety from me till I was in my 30s and so I didn't get any help from her in figuring out how to manage my own anxiety, which was pretty crippling at one point. One thing I'm proud of is that my daughter tells me that it really helped her that I was upfront about my anxiety and what I did to deal with it while she was growing up.

There's a chance that your kids will have to struggle with the same things you're struggling with. You can help them deal with it upfront by being honest about your own struggles. That means letting your husband know. Sorry - that sounds pretty scary but I think it's better for your kids in the long run. Good luck with this. I know it's hard and I think it's great that you're trying to figure out your way forward instead of completely avoiding it.

[Anonymous]

Just sending you the biggest hug I can. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with these illnesses and that your DH is not supportive. It does not have to be this way. I am fortunate to have a partner who did not freak out or flee when I ended up in a partial hospitalization program a few years back. He may never "get it". My father thinks that I'm just fragile and once I'm married to a strong man, all my anxiety, PTSD, and depression will vanish. Please find a support group --maybe through NAMI?-- to help you navigate care and daily living.

[Anonymous]

From one crazy to another

You don't need "No Stinkin" psychiatrist to put a label on you. You sound like you're functioning just fine. There is a well know "labeling" theory that you just don't need to get involved with, unless you desire.
I wouldn't believe how fucked up I am. I don't need some mental health person thinking they have me all figured out lol

Just keep treating the depression thru medication If you're not able to naturally. I suggest lots of good living , lots of exercise and a damn hubby that will support you. That's all you really need

You sound like a real keeper to me. It's your hubby that I would shit can.

[Anonymous]

If he's married to you and is even remotely perceptive, chances are he already knows you have your issues. Sounds like he has his own issues.

I don't think I'd hide my diagnoses - I think I'd probably take a chance, tell him what was going on, and take the opportunity to educate him on what spectrum disorders, etc. actually are. Once they're not just abstract random things that happen to other people but that actually affect him personally, he might become less black-and-white about such things.

Or he might leave you, but that might be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, the problem isn't with you, you know that, right? Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. If knowing yourself better (including getting treatment for commonplace, treatment - amenable conditions) makes your husband lose respect for you, then you should think hard about whether you need him in your life.

+ a million. If I felt that I shouldn't get treatment for medical issues that were making me unhappy and making my life a lot harder than it needed to be because my husband was an ignorant, judgmental jackass, I hope I would realize that the problem was my husband, not me.

You don't need to tell him anything. You can be clear with any medical professionals that you see that you do not want them talking to your husband about you. You can wait to tell him until you feel like you've gotten other things more under control and are feeling more confident. But please don't let his backwards, uninformed attitude stop you from getting help. Mood disorders are nothing to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

If you truly suffer from mental illness OP, it would be a huge shame if you denied proper treatment for it due to your husband's personal feelings about mental illness.

Sadly many people still disregard it as something that others can simply "snap out of" by switching their mode of thinking. Genuine mental illness cannot be "cured" by sunshine and vitamins.

Explain and educate him about mental diseases, but go forward with seeking the treatment you may need.

You would never refuse chemotherapy and radiation would you if you were suffering from cancer??

[Anonymous]

OP,

Having ADHD or ASD doesn't make you mentally ill. If you're husband hasn't picked up that you possibly have these things, he probably won't.

Anxiety, depression, and ADHD can be managed through medications. Find a good psychiatrist. You don't need to "hide" that you're treating these things though. That's ridiculous. If you feel that you do, seek couples counseling pronto.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a doctor and used to have VERY backward attitudes about mental health. Med students of his generation had no psychiatric training, unless they chose a psychiatric specialty. And forget about the psychological training.

Then his own son was diagnosed with severe ADHD, something DH had been denying for years.
Asperger's and ADHD run in my husband's family.

Now that he's seen how medication has revolutionized his son's life (for the better), he's not so quick to minimize mental health disorders.

Your husband is probably very afraid that whatever you have cannot be treated. Prove him wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything you posted above is pretty common. Your title makes it sounds very serious like serious mental illness-- it's not. People w/ ADHD very often have co-morbidity with depression and anxiety, which all can be managed through heathy choices, therapy and/or meds. . You can get therapy to help manage your aspergers symptoms. Maybe your anxiety issues are inflating this to be a much bigger deal than it is. You'll be Ok. Sounds like you're pretty fabulous with all those fancy degrees. ?

I don't think I'm inflating it. When the last shooting attributed to AS happened (can't remember specifically), DH went on a rant about people "like that" needing to be locked up in mental institutions. What would he say if he knew his wife was one of them?

And in case anyone's wondering, women tend to hide AS a lot better than boys and men can, so I'm not stereotypical and not surprised he hasn't caught on.

FYI, there has never been a shooting attributed to autism.

"Calls for medication went unheeded by Nancy Lanza, however, whom the authors described as accommodating to her son's aversion to medication...The report ultimately determines that Lanza's mental health issues may have extended past autism to include anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and suicidal disorder...The report says there is "no connection ... between [Lanza's] developmental profile and an increased likelihood of violent actions." And that his "access to assault weapons with high capacity magazines did play a major role."
http://www.cnn.com/2014/11/21/justice/newtown-shooter-adam-lanza-report/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything you posted above is pretty common. Your title makes it sounds very serious like serious mental illness-- it's not. People w/ ADHD very often have co-morbidity with depression and anxiety, which all can be managed through heathy choices, therapy and/or meds. . You can get therapy to help manage your aspergers symptoms. Maybe your anxiety issues are inflating this to be a much bigger deal than it is. You'll be Ok. Sounds like you're pretty fabulous with all those fancy degrees. ?

I don't think I'm inflating it. When the last shooting attributed to AS happened (can't remember specifically), DH went on a rant about people "like that" needing to be locked up in mental institutions. What would he say if he knew his wife was one of them?

And in case anyone's wondering, women tend to hide AS a lot better than boys and men can, so I'm not stereotypical and not surprised he hasn't caught on.

FYI, there has never been a shooting attributed to autism.

"Calls for medication went unheeded by Nancy Lanza, however, whom the authors described as accommodating to her son's aversion to medication...The report ultimately determines that Lanza's mental health issues may have extended past autism to include anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and suicidal disorder...The report says there is "no connection ... between [Lanza's] developmental profile and an increased likelihood of violent actions." And that his "access to assault weapons with high capacity magazines did play a major role."
http://www.cnn.com/2014/11/21/justice/newtown-shooter-adam-lanza-report/

Yes, sorry. I was typing quickly. I meant more along the lines of shootings that bring the discussion into society and the media.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is surely aware of how you are. Someone (why more than one therapist?) trying to put a label on it is not going to change how you are.
Are you seeing these therapists in secret?
Maybe that is the first thing you should talk to your therapist about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is surely aware of how you are. Someone (why more than one therapist?) trying to put a label on it is not going to change how you are.
Are you seeing these therapists in secret?
Maybe that is the first thing you should talk to your therapist about.

Here's away of how I am, but he hasn't connected it with these disorders that he has such disdain for. ASD presents very differently in women, and those differences allow women to slip through the cracks. I am personally very good at mimicking, which is how I even hid it from my therapist (plural because I got a second opinion). I had to consciously drop all my defenses and act like myself, which is very hard to do. Plus DH see autism as hand flapping and memorizing train timetables, not as the wife who can't wear socks and is rigid with rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is surely aware of how you are. Someone (why more than one therapist?) trying to put a label on it is not going to change how you are.
Are you seeing these therapists in secret?
Maybe that is the first thing you should talk to your therapist about.

Here's away of how I am, but he hasn't connected it with these disorders that he has such disdain for. ASD presents very differently in women, and those differences allow women to slip through the cracks. I am personally very good at mimicking, which is how I even hid it from my therapist (plural because I got a second opinion). I had to consciously drop all my defenses and act like myself, which is very hard to do. Plus DH see autism as hand flapping and memorizing train timetables, not as the wife who can't wear socks and is rigid with rules.

Horrible typing. *he's aware*

And he knows I'm in counseling at the tail end of PPD.