hiding all sorts of mental illness from my DH

[Anonymous]

This will make me sound crazy, I'm sure, but I could use some advice.

I've always been the strange one with problems. I finally got into therapy after a bad bout with PPD and some really interesting things came to light. More than one therapist has suggested I have ASD (Asperger's pre-DSM-5), ADHD, and depression and anxiety. I'm working through the decision to be formally tested and diagnosed, and may decide not to because overall I function very well (married, three degrees, full time job, etc).

The other reason I don't want to know for sure is that my DH has strong opinions about mental health. Women with PPD are just emotional, people with Asperger's are violent, people with ADHD are lazy, etc. I really don't know how to convince him that I'm still the same person I was before, even thought deep down I think he knows there's something wrong with me - he yells it at me in fights. Any sage words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Everything you posted above is pretty common. Your title makes it sounds very serious like serious mental illness-- it's not. People w/ ADHD very often have co-morbidity with depression and anxiety, which all can be managed through heathy choices, therapy and/or meds. . You can get therapy to help manage your aspergers symptoms. Maybe your anxiety issues are inflating this to be a much bigger deal than it is. You'll be Ok. Sounds like you're pretty fabulous with all those fancy degrees. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything you posted above is pretty common. Your title makes it sounds very serious like serious mental illness-- it's not. People w/ ADHD very often have co-morbidity with depression and anxiety, which all can be managed through heathy choices, therapy and/or meds. . You can get therapy to help manage your aspergers symptoms. Maybe your anxiety issues are inflating this to be a much bigger deal than it is. You'll be Ok. Sounds like you're pretty fabulous with all those fancy degrees. ?

I don't think I'm inflating it. When the last shooting attributed to AS happened (can't remember specifically), DH went on a rant about people "like that" needing to be locked up in mental institutions. What would he say if he knew his wife was one of them?

And in case anyone's wondering, women tend to hide AS a lot better than boys and men can, so I'm not stereotypical and not surprised he hasn't caught on.

[Anonymous]

Um, the problem isn't with you, you know that, right? Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. If knowing yourself better (including getting treatment for commonplace, treatment - amenable conditions) makes your husband lose respect for you, then you should think hard about whether you need him in your life.

[Anonymous]

..forgot to add....I would get tested so you can be aware of three issues if anything happens to your kids. Genetics play a huge role in this and you need to aware for your children's sake. Your husband yelling at you is his issue. sounds like he could use some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Get tested, then decide. Your information is private, and if you decide he doesn't need to know, it won't be difficult to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will make me sound crazy, I'm sure, but I could use some advice.

I've always been the strange one with problems. I finally got into therapy after a bad bout with PPD and some really interesting things came to light. More than one therapist has suggested I have ASD (Asperger's pre-DSM-5), ADHD, and depression and anxiety. I'm working through the decision to be formally tested and diagnosed, and may decide not to because overall I function very well (married, three degrees, full time job, etc).

The other reason I don't want to know for sure is that my DH has strong opinions about mental health. Women with PPD are just emotional, people with Asperger's are violent, people with ADHD are lazy, etc. I really don't know how to convince him that I'm still the same person I was before, even thought deep down I think he knows there's something wrong with me - he yells it at me in fights. Any sage words of wisdom?

Your DH's ignorant attitude is a problem.. do you think a formal diagnosis will break up your marriage?

Would you, and he, be happy keeping the diagnosis unspoken and you work on this alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything you posted above is pretty common. Your title makes it sounds very serious like serious mental illness-- it's not. People w/ ADHD very often have co-morbidity with depression and anxiety, which all can be managed through heathy choices, therapy and/or meds. . You can get therapy to help manage your aspergers symptoms. Maybe your anxiety issues are inflating this to be a much bigger deal than it is. You'll be Ok. Sounds like you're pretty fabulous with all those fancy degrees. ?

I don't think I'm inflating it. When the last shooting attributed to AS happened (can't remember specifically), DH went on a rant about people "like that" needing to be locked up in mental institutions. What would he say if he knew his wife was one of them?

And in case anyone's wondering, women tend to hide AS a lot better than boys and men can, so I'm not stereotypical and not surprised he hasn't caught on.

Ok, well he's not well educated. You cannot control his him and frankly he sounds a bit frightening.

You don't sound like a homicidal maniac. ? But you do sound scared and lonely. Get the testing done for yourself, get a good therapist and learn how to appreciate yourself. You sound like a good person.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need a label for it - do you?

How exactly are you finding it hard to cope right now? Sounds like you're doing quite well if you can hold down a job and care for your children.

Why do you feel a need for a diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will make me sound crazy, I'm sure, but I could use some advice.

I've always been the strange one with problems. I finally got into therapy after a bad bout with PPD and some really interesting things came to light. More than one therapist has suggested I have ASD (Asperger's pre-DSM-5), ADHD, and depression and anxiety. I'm working through the decision to be formally tested and diagnosed, and may decide not to because overall I function very well (married, three degrees, full time job, etc).

The other reason I don't want to know for sure is that my DH has strong opinions about mental health. Women with PPD are just emotional, people with Asperger's are violent, people with ADHD are lazy, etc. I really don't know how to convince him that I'm still the same person I was before, even thought deep down I think he knows there's something wrong with me - he yells it at me in fights. Any sage words of wisdom?

Your DH's ignorant attitude is a problem.. do you think a formal diagnosis will break up your marriage?

Would you, and he, be happy keeping the diagnosis unspoken and you work on this alone?

I've been working on the depression alone since our baby was 8 months old, so partly yes, I'd be happy working it on it alone. I think mostly his comments about institutionalizing people with ASD's bothers me more. I'm not violent. I'm a fully functioning member of society. I just struggle in social situations and other, smaller, things (like figuring out makeup).

And I really wish he didn't consider depression a character flaw. PPD nearly destroyed me, in no small part because I didn't have the support from family and friends and yes, my husband, that I should. He still claims lack of social support doesn't contribute to PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need a label for it - do you?

How exactly are you finding it hard to cope right now? Sounds like you're doing quite well if you can hold down a job and care for your children.

Why do you feel a need for a diagnosis?

Situationally, I'm having a hard time and am not coping well. I don't really feel the need for a diagnosis, but lots of people encourage it. Still, "knowing" there is probably something wrong with me, and knowing my husband thinks poorly of people with that problem is hard.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, you poor thing. I wish I could just hug you right now. I went through this in my teens with parents who were just like your husband and almost killed myself multiple times. My DH believes as long as I take him with me to doctor visits and let him hear the science from the scientists' mouths.

Are you worried your DH will freak out if you go on meds? Hiding it from him seems like a dangerous game, but you need help. Would he ever consider coming with you to a psychiatrist's office? For my DH, hearing it from an "authority" was helpful in getting him on board, and then once he saw the change in me after treatment, he was sold.

Do you have children? These things can be very hereditary. I'd advise you to try to straighten hubby out before he ruins a child's life with his ignorant behavior. Be brave, OP. There are lots of us like you. I'll pray for you.
D

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need a label for it - do you?

How exactly are you finding it hard to cope right now? Sounds like you're doing quite well if you can hold down a job and care for your children.

Why do you feel a need for a diagnosis?

Situationally, I'm having a hard time and am not coping well. I don't really feel the need for a diagnosis, but lots of people encourage it. Still, "knowing" there is probably something wrong with me, and knowing my husband thinks poorly of people with that problem is hard.

First of all, even if you get diagnosed there is nothing "wrong with you." Having a form of mental illness doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. I urge you to stop using that kind of self talk as it will not help you in a bit. Getting diagnosed means just that. There is an explanation for what you are feeling and you can get proper treatment. As you already pointed out, your PPD could have been addressed sooner had you had the support. That support doesn't necessarily have to come from your husband if he is not understanding. It could be from your therapist or a close friend. I would work on managing the symptoms and getting stronger before you have any conversations with your husband about labels.

[Anonymous]

Your husband does not sound very perceptive. What is his disorder? How can anyone possibly love with someone on the spectrum, with ADHD, Anxiety and depression? Those are pretty serious mental problems. Are you sure he does not already know? Aside from the Aspergers the other 3 are easy to spot a mile away and make maintaining relationships quite difficult.

[Anonymous]

The cluster of conditions you described can be managed if you are aware. Whether you have the exact label is less important than working with the right therapist(s) on the right things.

A separate issue is your DH's attitude toward mental illness. People can be quite prejudiced and maybe he doesn't need the label (even if you do). Whether you are formally diagnosed, the bigger questions are how supportive is he when appropriate?