How to come to terms with having one child?

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted here. NP here and I am working hard to let go of this grief. I have a delightful 5 year old daughter who asks me to put a baby in my tummy several times a week and it's so hard. Sending hugs and support to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

This is the part I have difficulty with myself. I tend to wallow and get very depressed about it. How to you avoid wallowing?

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 year old and am trying to come to terms with him potentially being an only child so reading these posts is helpful. Whenever I start to wallow, I think of the people who can't even have one, or who for other reasons have so much less than me. I look at how lucky I am to have my beautiful, awesome son and know that I can't waste any of our precious time wallowing. But, I am always still hoping to get pregnant...

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really sorry for your situation. I was in the same position, but for me, it probably turned out to be for the best in a way. I didn't know at the time that my existing child would have SN that were not obvious when he was younger. I am sometimes sad that I was unable to have another child, but realistically, it is probably better that we can put all of our money and energy towards meeting DS's needs. It still feels bad at times though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

This is the part I have difficulty with myself. I tend to wallow and get very depressed about it. How to you avoid wallowing?

Not this PP, but I actually do let myself wallow - for a set amount of time. If I find myself sad about it - and it happens predictably when I find out a friend is going to have a second or third baby - I let myself cry and moan and feel really, really sorry for myself. For a day. But I plan and expect that the bad feelings will ebb overnight, and they do. I always wake up the next morning feeling okay. Maybe a bit sad, but no longer wallowing.

[Anonymous]

Certainly, you should allow yourself to grieve the loss for yourself (and/or your partner) and like PPs said, that's something that will probably always be with you in some way. But you should try to not worry (if you are) about your daughter. I am an only child myself, and people constantly ask me about it as if it was so weird. I can really say, it was nothing to me as a kid. It was the only thing I knew. Even now, I can't conceptualize having siblings because I never experienced it - and I attribute many of my better qualities to the experience I got interacting with adults as a child. So your child will be just fine - for those PPs whose children are asking them for another child, I get that that is hard to hear. But part of the reason that is so hard to hear is because you want it so much - which of course is understandable. From the child's perspective though, they don't understand what they are asking for - or even what having a sibling would be like - so in a world full of mommy guilt - please don't add having an only as another source of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

This is the part I have difficulty with myself. I tend to wallow and get very depressed about it. How to you avoid wallowing?

Not this PP, but I actually do let myself wallow - for a set amount of time. If I find myself sad about it - and it happens predictably when I find out a friend is going to have a second or third baby - I let myself cry and moan and feel really, really sorry for myself. For a day. But I plan and expect that the bad feelings will ebb overnight, and they do. I always wake up the next morning feeling okay. Maybe a bit sad, but no longer wallowing.

I wrote the original quote and wallow probably wasn't the right word. I agree with the above and setting an amount of time is perfect. Sometimes I think, ok, I'm going to crawl into bed and lose it for 10 minutes and other days I just know I need a whole day just for myself.

I guess what I try to avoid is a pattern where I almost bring on the negative feelings myself because it has started to feel good to be miserable, if that makes sense. It's one thing when feelings just surface on their own, but sometimes I would talk myself into them. Like if I heard of a friend's pregnancy I would start to think why not me, that's so unfair, etc., and THEN feel sad, angry, etc.. It can become a habit and an easy, comfortable place to run to. This was the pattern for me, at least. Keeping a journal or just paying attention to your thoughts and how you react to things might help you identify your own patterns and what is and isn't working for you.

[Anonymous]

I have a pre-teen. I still long for another child. I thought it would get easier over time but it hasn't. I just try to concentrate on how much more I can do with her then if I had two. My husband doesn't feel the same way; he is content with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much to everyone who has posted here. NP here and I am working hard to let go of this grief. I have a delightful 5 year old daughter who asks me to put a baby in my tummy several times a week and it's so hard. Sending hugs and support to everyone.

Me too exactly. Thanks everyone, reading this thread is good. -another np