How to come to terms with having one child?

[Anonymous]

Any tips for coming to terms with not having another child?

[Anonymous]

Man. I am still trying. I have more energy and resources to support her special needs... getting a dog really helped in our case. College easier to pay for, and private school, and travel. I don't know if you ever "get over " it, though. Mine is 6.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what you mean by "come to terms."

In some ways you are grieving for a child (or children) and that probably will always be with you. I have found it helpful to accept this grief is just a part of (my) life. It will occasionally, often unexpectedly, pop up. I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

For me it hasn't been a single path with a final destination of "acceptance." Some days I feel great with things as they are, other days are harder. What I can control is how to approach each day, each moment sometimes, and make the choice to be happy. Again, the doesn't mean never feeling sad. It just means not letting the sadness wash everything else out.

You wanted more kids and I don't think it's realistic to think that absence/loss won't always be with you. It deserves space in your life, just don't lose yourself or the positive parts of your life to it.

[Anonymous]

It's petty but: when I want to splurge for him – the extra good summer camp, adorable clothing – I say to myself "I can afford this because I only have one child." Helps. Also I try to appreciate the quiet, space, and calm in my life. It's not what I would've chosen, but it definitely has benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what you mean by "come to terms."

In some ways you are grieving for a child (or children) and that probably will always be with you. I have found it helpful to accept this grief is just a part of (my) life. It will occasionally, often unexpectedly, pop up. I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

For me it hasn't been a single path with a final destination of "acceptance." Some days I feel great with things as they are, other days are harder. What I can control is how to approach each day, each moment sometimes, and make the choice to be happy. Again, the doesn't mean never feeling sad. It just means not letting the sadness wash everything else out.

You wanted more kids and I don't think it's realistic to think that absence/loss won't always be with you. It deserves space in your life, just don't lose yourself or the positive parts of your life to it.

This is wonderful advice for learning to live with any kind of grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what you mean by "come to terms."

In some ways you are grieving for a child (or children) and that probably will always be with you. I have found it helpful to accept this grief is just a part of (my) life. It will occasionally, often unexpectedly, pop up. I let myself feel it rather than try to talk myself out of it or ignore it, but I don't let myself wallow in it. I've learned to tell the difference for myself.

For me it hasn't been a single path with a final destination of "acceptance." Some days I feel great with things as they are, other days are harder. What I can control is how to approach each day, each moment sometimes, and make the choice to be happy. Again, the doesn't mean never feeling sad. It just means not letting the sadness wash everything else out.

You wanted more kids and I don't think it's realistic to think that absence/loss won't always be with you. It deserves space in your life, just don't lose yourself or the positive parts of your life to it.

This made me cry. Thank you so much for putting it so perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Read One and Only by Lauren Sandler

[Anonymous]

I focus on the great kid I have, as since I only had one, I have the best kid for me. He's funny, bright, sincere, compassionate, outgoing, kind - what more could I want? I could have had 10 of this child but my DH only wanted one. He has many friends fortunately, we take him on fun travels and cruises, he goes to a private school, is involved with 2 sports and when he tells me how much he loves his life, I melt. He just turned 9.

I didn't want to pressure my DH and ruin our marriage, it just wasn't worth it. I'd rather my child have 2 loving parents, happy together. Will I regret not putting on the pressure? Probably, yes, but it hasn't caused an enormous amount of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Mine is 7.

We are very close.

We can do whatever we want without concern for another kid - go to the store, bake something, cook our favorite dinner, play a game, go to a sports practice.

It's easier.

Homework help, vacations, signing up for one camp - it's cheaper and less stressful or chaotic.

I feel like we know each other very well.

I am an only, and when I look back to my childhood I feel as if being an only primes you better to be "friends" with your parents as an adult.

You don't have to split Christmases when your kid is grown. You may spend one alone, but it's just simpler.

You can zone out with less worry and fewer things to keep tabs on.

Your kid will probably naturally just have a better vocabulary and be more comfortable with adults; I was and my child is.

You can still facilitate playdates and cousin relationships and things that mimic the chaos of siblings. In our case we do it with neighbors, friends, and second cousins.

College, weddings, everything is a bit cheaper.

Better car/no minivan.

Admit it - if you had a baby to take care of while your older daughter was being taken care of a little less, you'd be sad. Everyone with more than 1 kid deals with this, but you (and her) don't have to feel that now. Or ever.

Every month that passes I want another less. I know it would be a joy, but it would be disruptive and I feel like it would take away from what my existing child has now, not to mention be a financial and marital strain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I focus on the great kid I have, as since I only had one, I have the best kid for me. He's funny, bright, sincere, compassionate, outgoing, kind - what more could I want? I could have had 10 of this child but my DH only wanted one. He has many friends fortunately, we take him on fun travels and cruises, he goes to a private school, is involved with 2 sports and when he tells me how much he loves his life, I melt. He just turned 9.

I didn't want to pressure my DH and ruin our marriage, it just wasn't worth it. I'd rather my child have 2 loving parents, happy together. Will I regret not putting on the pressure? Probably, yes, but it hasn't caused an enormous amount of resentment.

We have had a very similar experience. We lucked out with a really great, funny and smart kid who is so easy to parent that I sometimes feel sad that I didn't push my husband harder for a second. But then I remind myself that things could always have turned out differently and that I should thank my lucky stars to have such a wonderful little boy. He has little cousins who is he dotes on, but doesn't feel sad about not having siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is 7.

We are very close.

We can do whatever we want without concern for another kid - go to the store, bake something, cook our favorite dinner, play a game, go to a sports practice.

It's easier.

Homework help, vacations, signing up for one camp - it's cheaper and less stressful or chaotic.

I feel like we know each other very well.

I am an only, and when I look back to my childhood I feel as if being an only primes you better to be "friends" with your parents as an adult.

You don't have to split Christmases when your kid is grown. You may spend one alone, but it's just simpler.

You can zone out with less worry and fewer things to keep tabs on.

Your kid will probably naturally just have a better vocabulary and be more comfortable with adults; I was and my child is.

You can still facilitate playdates and cousin relationships and things that mimic the chaos of siblings. In our case we do it with neighbors, friends, and second cousins.

College, weddings, everything is a bit cheaper.

Better car/no minivan.

Admit it - if you had a baby to take care of while your older daughter was being taken care of a little less, you'd be sad. Everyone with more than 1 kid deals with this, but you (and her) don't have to feel that now. Or ever.

Every month that passes I want another less. I know it would be a joy, but it would be disruptive and I feel like it would take away from what my existing child has now, not to mention be a financial and marital strain.

I forgot to add a few more:

It's generally quieter and I don't have to hear constant fighting and bickering.

I can still be the house with all the kids over - I am that house!

I can still serve meals for 3 kids and have parties and stage big art tables. I do! I enjoy that, but I send 'em back and keep my awesome kid.

[Anonymous]

Getting older helps. I realized the other day that with my DH 50 now and me in my mid 40's that the window has truly closed, and there is a relief in that. I still grieve a bit that I don't have two kids, but I don't want a baby anymore. It is a relief to have the baby craving end. So do give it time.

A mom of more than one child once gave me a tremendous gift. She said that she had a really special sweet bond with her first child, and when her second was born it changed, because life changes when a child was added. She was thrilled with her second child and glad she had him. Her first child was and is a fabulous older sister. But she said she'll always look back with wistfulness at that sweet time, and said she hoped I'd treasure that bond with my kid. For those of us with only one, that sweet time goes on...maybe at least till puberty hits!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for starting this thread and for the helpful posts. OP I am also dealing with this and it's so hard. DD is two and I recently found out we cannot have any more due to medical reasons. I have been very sad. A week or so ago after seeing a friend with a toddler and a baby my daughter said "Mommy we need a baby and a stroller. A real one." It absolutely crushed me. She loves taking care of and reading to her dolls etc. and I think she would love being a big sister. OP you are not alone, it is devastating. I also hope it gets better with time.

[Anonymous]

Time definitely helps. In PK and K, most of the kids were getting second or even third siblings, so my daughter would often ask for a baby. Now we're in second grade and that has almost stopped. I agree with a previous poster that getting older helps a lot; neither of us want to go through the newborn stage any longer. Like any emotions, you feed the good ones and don't indulge too much in the negative ones. Happiness is a choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any advice for you but you are not alone. I'm also trying to come to terms with this myself due to secondary infertility.