I'm glad DH persuaded me not to cut off my mother...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

You sound as helpful as OP's mother. No need to dissect my sentence...I'm saying you're a bi*ch

I'm not a bitch. I actually work with vulnerable populations, and I've learned that it's always best to accept people for who they are if you want a relationship with them. There are lots of mildly mentally ill people among us--and many more functional alcoholics. So many people were raised by parents who were abusive or incapable of showing love. You can't fix broken people. You can't make them treat you a certain way. If you want a relationship with them, then you have to accept them for who they are--flaws and all--and just let it go.

Happy people don't judge others and they don't hold grudges. They live and let live, and they exude love and positivity.

There was a great npr segment last week on a woman who hugged the person who killed her son. She said she had to forgive him in order to let go of the anger. Letting go of your anger is a gift you give yourself.

Or I suppose you can continue to stew and analyze and foster ill will.

I'd opt for breaking the cycle now.

Bull to this, PP. I have two members of my family who are horrible to be around and delight in making everyone else miserable. I called a halt to both of them and do not miss them at all.

And that's a valid choice. By all means you should cut out people with whom you do not want a relationship. But if you want a relationship or intend to have these people in your life (or home at the holidays), then you have to accept that you can't change them. Can the OP change her mother? No. You only have control over your own emotions. So ignore the mother monster--but always be polite and respectful (you'd do as much for a belligerent stranger if you worked retail or waited tables, right?). When they walk out the door, move on; don't stew.

I know it's easier said than done, but it's legit advice. In fact, it's how the happiest and healthiest people function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here (can't sleep because of toothache).

Just to clarify, my mother has deep-seated psychological issues. She said: "You're fat and can't have dessert" and she said nastily "Well, why aren't playing like this?" to my daughter... but these comments are expected because they are known obsessions with her, and are nothing compared to other things she did during my own childhood, which took me a long time to overcome: the worst is probably physically isolating me from other people, particularly other children, when I was little and doing her best to do so when I was a teenager (stemming from her anxiety, abandonment issues and weird jealousy). I finally ran away from home.

The decision to invite her with my father was not taken lightly!
Yet since my mother is powerless to isolate DD and her barbs have less impact because we all tell DD that what Grandma says is not true, the joy my father and daughter have when they spend time together outweighs her verbal abuse.

Wow. So you are admitting that you allow your child to be verbally abused? OP, do you realize how ridiculous this is? You are the parent. Your daughter might enjoy spending time with your father, but YOU ARE THE PARENT! You need to protect your child from your verbally and emotionally abusive mother. You admit that the "barbs" do have SOME impact. Why are you subjecting your child to this? So that your father can have some enjoyment? How can you put your father above your own child? So that YOU can enjoy seeing them spend time together?

You're disgusting OP, and I feel badly for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Cue the OP's back peddling.

"Well, her comments aren't that bad."

"She doesn't actually say them to my daughter--but I know what she's thinking."

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree w/ you.....and think you have handled a very difficult situation admirably.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree w/ you.....and think you have handled a very difficult situation admirably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here (can't sleep because of toothache).

Just to clarify, my mother has deep-seated psychological issues. She said: "You're fat and can't have dessert" and she said nastily "Well, why aren't playing like this?" to my daughter... but these comments are expected because they are known obsessions with her, and are nothing compared to other things she did during my own childhood, which took me a long time to overcome: the worst is probably physically isolating me from other people, particularly other children, when I was little and doing her best to do so when I was a teenager (stemming from her anxiety, abandonment issues and weird jealousy). I finally ran away from home.

The decision to invite her with my father was not taken lightly!
Yet since my mother is powerless to isolate DD and her barbs have less impact because we all tell DD that what Grandma says is not true, the joy my father and daughter have when they spend time together outweighs her verbal abuse.

You don't have to be isolated to be verbally abused. What your mother is doing is ABUSIVE. You downplaying it does not STOP IT. I understand you are vulnerable and fragile due to the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother AND father who did not protect you. But you have the power to protect her. DO IT!
NO way my husband would allow this to happen to our kids. P.S.: Your dad is not all you think he is if he allows your mother to talk to your DD the way she does. He is co-dependent and putting his relationship with his wife above the safeguarding of his kids and grandkids. No amount of cuddling can override that. I'm sorry you have this horrible dynamic in your family, but you better deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I think you've taken the higher road and it's been for your daughter's benefit - thank you for that. My mother did the same for me in a similar situation and I'm really grateful for the relationship I was able to enjoy with my grandparents because of it.

As to your mother's comments, I hope you address it in the moment and set expectations. Maybe having a few scripted lines on hand would be helpful? For example:
Mother: "You're fat and you can't have dessert"
You: "That's simply not true and we don't speak that way in this house. Now, Susie which did you want - the chocolate or the vanilla?"

Mother: "You should sound like a broadway professional by now. Why don't you?"
You: "Oh Susie, what a joy to hear you practice! I can tell you're practicing like you should - it's paying off!"

Basically you should make clear to your daughter that your mother's criticisms are not true, but keep the focus on your daughter - not on your mother. Your mother says these things to get a reaction, so be brief and to the point but move the conversation along. If it gets bad enough, don't be afraid to end the visit early - you can say that you're sorry to see that Gram isn't up for family time at the moment, but you hope the next visit is better.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I'm not quite sure if it's the same person whose being quite aggressive and vindictive, or several people.

All I can say is that if my mother restrains herself to mere words, that's tolerable. It's either ignoring her while she is there, or cutting off contact altogether - there is no "talking" to somebody like her, and she is too far gone to change. Which is why our decision was difficult. I'm sure some PPs who have known such disturbed individuals can attest to this fact.

There is so much worse out there in this world than being told you're fat. I've been told this all my life, and really, I couldn't care less. I just know I'm not. DD loves her grandpa and I'm sure this is more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here (can't sleep because of toothache).

Just to clarify, my mother has deep-seated psychological issues. She said: "You're fat and can't have dessert" and she said nastily "Well, why aren't playing like this?" to my daughter... but these comments are expected because they are known obsessions with her, and are nothing compared to other things she did during my own childhood, which took me a long time to overcome: the worst is probably physically isolating me from other people, particularly other children, when I was little and doing her best to do so when I was a teenager (stemming from her anxiety, abandonment issues and weird jealousy). I finally ran away from home.

The decision to invite her with my father was not taken lightly!
Yet since my mother is powerless to isolate DD and her barbs have less impact because we all tell DD that what Grandma says is not true, the joy my father and daughter have when they spend time together outweighs her verbal abuse.

I understand, OP. I have a family member like this and it can be very trying, especially when that family member is attached to another one whom you'd like to remain in contact with. Take deep breaths and remember that you are the better person. Enjoy your holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP again.

I'm not quite sure if it's the same person whose being quite aggressive and vindictive, or several people.

All I can say is that if my mother restrains herself to mere words, that's tolerable. It's either ignoring her while she is there, or cutting off contact altogether - there is no "talking" to somebody like her, and she is too far gone to change. Which is why our decision was difficult. I'm sure some PPs who have known such disturbed individuals can attest to this fact.

There is so much worse out there in this world than being told you're fat. I've been told this all my life, and really, I couldn't care less. I just know I'm not. DD loves her grandpa and I'm sure this is more important.

With all due respect, your idea of what is acceptable is extremely skewed.

[Anonymous]

Why are people being so mean? I think it's great that grandpa and granddaughter have a good relationship. Op's mother sounds mental but if having her around allows op's dad to have a relationship with his granddaughter, then I say it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people being so mean? I think it's great that grandpa and granddaughter have a good relationship. Op's mother sounds mental but if having her around allows op's dad to have a relationship with his granddaughter, then I say it's worth it.

Because is a child.is.being.abused. The OP is allowing her child to be abused. Those are her own words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

You sound as helpful as OP's mother. No need to dissect my sentence...I'm saying you're a bi*ch

I'm not a bitch. I actually work with vulnerable populations, and I've learned that it's always best to accept people for who they are if you want a relationship with them. There are lots of mildly mentally ill people among us--and many more functional alcoholics. So many people were raised by parents who were abusive or incapable of showing love. You can't fix broken people. You can't make them treat you a certain way. If you want a relationship with them, then you have to accept them for who they are--flaws and all--and just let it go.

Happy people don't judge others and they don't hold grudges. They live and let live, and they exude love and positivity.

There was a great npr segment last week on a woman who hugged the person who killed her son. She said she had to forgive him in order to let go of the anger. Letting go of your anger is a gift you give yourself.

Or I suppose you can continue to stew and analyze and foster ill will.

I'd opt for breaking the cycle now.

People like you are why I will not work in the mental health field. I had a clinical preceptor tell my group of student nurses how sad it was that a schizophrenic was being denied custody of her children, after she beat the crap out of them. She was so involved in the patient's sadness about her children that she couldn't see that this patient SHOULD NOT have custody of small children because she hurt them.

None of you are willing to tell the mentally ill to own their own shit. Families pay a terrible price for the mentally ill person's dysfunctions and professional counselors, LSWs, and RNs all encourage the family to be tolerant and to continue to work to maintain a relationship.

You know what? Some people don't deserve a relationship. Some people are so abusive that their families SHOULD dump them. Making the decision to dump them is not "fostering ill will," it's taking care of yourself. It's having healthy boundaries and refusing to continue to put up with further abuse.

[Anonymous]

NP here -- when my mother is going through rough patches of her mental illness she will make inappropriate comments in front of my daughter. Things like "wow, you certainly have a problem sharing" in a nasty tone when she was 3. I try to address it respectfully then and there to put a halt to it--"mom, that's not appropriate, don't talk about Larla like that." I didn't have to courage to stand up to her before but now with DD I'm trying harder to set boundaries. If she gets upset and has to leave early so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here (can't sleep because of toothache).

Just to clarify, my mother has deep-seated psychological issues. She said: "You're fat and can't have dessert" and she said nastily "Well, why aren't playing like this?" to my daughter... but these comments are expected because they are known obsessions with her, and are nothing compared to other things she did during my own childhood, which took me a long time to overcome: the worst is probably physically isolating me from other people, particularly other children, when I was little and doing her best to do so when I was a teenager (stemming from her anxiety, abandonment issues and weird jealousy). I finally ran away from home.

The decision to invite her with my father was not taken lightly!
Yet since my mother is powerless to isolate DD and her barbs have less impact because we all tell DD that what Grandma says is not true, the joy my father and daughter have when they spend time together outweighs her verbal abuse.

Wow. So you are admitting that you allow your child to be verbally abused? OP, do you realize how ridiculous this is? You are the parent. Your daughter might enjoy spending time with your father, but YOU ARE THE PARENT! You need to protect your child from your verbally and emotionally abusive mother. You admit that the "barbs" do have SOME impact. Why are you subjecting your child to this? So that your father can have some enjoyment? How can you put your father above your own child? So that YOU can enjoy seeing them spend time together?

You're disgusting OP, and I feel badly for your daughter.

Don't you see some irony in calling the OP disgusting for not defending somebody against verbal abuse?