Advice on How to Deal With HS Senior Who Might Not Go Away to College First Year

[Anonymous]

If she really wants to go the community college route then fine but if not, expand your horizons to other schools. I agree with an earlier poster that said there are plenty of schools out there for c students. Have her talk to her high school college counselor -- mine was great or do they not do that anymore. Go to the library or bookstore and get a good college guide and see what else is out there. And have you done a simple google search looking for colleges for the C student or average student. I think you are being too limiting with all the college options out there. It may not be where all her friends go but she'd have new experiences and meet new people.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp, here's a list right here.

http://collegelists.pbworks.com/w/page/16119378/B-%20to%20C%20%20%20students

[Anonymous]

There are tons of small private colleges that will accept her, if you can afford to pay the price. I did that and then transferred to a larger state school (my choice as it was dull and not very social as it was a commuter school - parents would have paid for me to stay).

[Anonymous]

My daughter is also a HS senior. Please keep in mind that deadlines are approaching (and many have passed). Maybe consider having her apply to a handful of colleges and see what happens. If she gets accepted, she can always choose to defer her acceptance for a year and then engage in a gap year program. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with the party schools? I know lots of successful people who went to schools like WVU, had an awesome time and then got their masters at other colleges.

OP: do not think she has the maturity to deal with a school where that is the priority. Not expecting her to live like a nun, but really want the emphasis to be on academics. She is the type who if the group is serious about school, she will be serious about school. If they are serious about partying, that is what she will do.

There are studious students at every school and there are party-hardy students at every school (except maybe BYU or Wheaton College). The students attending a college are not one monolithic group.

Agree. At no school is the mission for the students to party. OP I think you need to be a little more open minded in thinking about colleges. My DC goes to a football obsessed Big 10 school but only about 1/2 the students go to the games. So you don't need to be interested in football at a "football" school, or party at a "party" school.

Has she applied to at least some schools for next year? How is it that all her friends are already in? Did they all apply ED or EA and all were accepted? That's pretty amazing because I am hearing of lots of kids being deferred this cycle.

Sounds like Michigan. That is an intense academic environment. 1/2 students go to the games because the other 1/2 are Asian who couldn't care less about football.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have written on here before and received great advice. My daughter, only child made a mess of the first 1 1/2 years of HS and did not do well on the ACT due to test anxiety. She's a good kid and when I see her friends who got into college, its not like they are discussing Shakespeare and she is talking about the Kardashians.

She is puling B's senior year and wants to apply to colleges once her transcript for the fall is on file. What I am seeing is that the only colleges she has a chance of getting into are more party schools. What she needs is a school with a very supportive atmosphere where kids who might have been late bloomers can work with other students who are serious about achieving, not a bunch who want to get drunk every night.

One thought is that we live in a state with a very good flagship state school. We have called them and they want to see 30 community college credits above a B. She is very interested in them and they have provided a person at the school who went the community college route to "show her the ropes" about how to work towards her goals. In other words, community college would provide a second chance for her.

What kills me, and I am a very involved parent is her coming home crying about how all her friends are going away and she feels left out. She understands that she screwed up for a while and did not put in the work. I told her that its not where you start but where you finish and some of those kids will never even make it to graduation or transfer back home. I also mention that if in 4 1/2 years they are sitting in a stadium in the exact same place graduating at the same school, who cares about where the first year was done. But we were all seventeen once and she is heartbroken.

Any ideas on what else I can tell her? She really wants to get out of the house once HS is over.

I am a professor who teaches almost exclusively undergraduate students, and I see a lot of red flags in your email. Please, please loosen the reigns. Make sure she sees her college counselor, but let her decide which college would be best. Go on tours together, but do NOT make the decision for her. You can lay out your financial parameters, and explain to her how that may make a difference in her choices, but this is the time for you to let her decide on her future. You do not have a good grasp of party schools. I went to one for my PhD, and as a TA I saw a huge, huge variation in the commitment to academics by undergraduates. If you are comfortable with your daughter doing a "gap year," then let her work for a year before she applies. Right now, you are not allowing your daughter to learn to become independent and fully understand the consequences of her choices because you are making her choices for her. You are also making excuses for her. Stop. Talk to her like the adult she will soon be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have written on here before and received great advice. My daughter, only child made a mess of the first 1 1/2 years of HS and did not do well on the ACT due to test anxiety. She's a good kid and when I see her friends who got into college, its not like they are discussing Shakespeare and she is talking about the Kardashians.

She is puling B's senior year and wants to apply to colleges once her transcript for the fall is on file. What I am seeing is that the only colleges she has a chance of getting into are more party schools. What she needs is a school with a very supportive atmosphere where kids who might have been late bloomers can work with other students who are serious about achieving, not a bunch who want to get drunk every night.

One thought is that we live in a state with a very good flagship state school. We have called them and they want to see 30 community college credits above a B. She is very interested in them and they have provided a person at the school who went the community college route to "show her the ropes" about how to work towards her goals. In other words, community college would provide a second chance for her.

What kills me, and I am a very involved parent is her coming home crying about how all her friends are going away and she feels left out. She understands that she screwed up for a while and did not put in the work. I told her that its not where you start but where you finish and some of those kids will never even make it to graduation or transfer back home. I also mention that if in 4 1/2 years they are sitting in a stadium in the exact same place graduating at the same school, who cares about where the first year was done. But we were all seventeen once and she is heartbroken.

Any ideas on what else I can tell her? She really wants to get out of the house once HS is over.

Agreed. I'm a mental health professional at a college. I really think you need to treat your daughter as a full participant in this process and stop managing it all for her. This is her life; help her with suggestions and guidance but DO NOT over-involve yourself in the process. She needs to have ownership and to see that choices for her future are hers to make.

I am a professor who teaches almost exclusively undergraduate students, and I see a lot of red flags in your email. Please, please loosen the reigns. Make sure she sees her college counselor, but let her decide which college would be best. Go on tours together, but do NOT make the decision for her. You can lay out your financial parameters, and explain to her how that may make a difference in her choices, but this is the time for you to let her decide on her future. You do not have a good grasp of party schools. I went to one for my PhD, and as a TA I saw a huge, huge variation in the commitment to academics by undergraduates. If you are comfortable with your daughter doing a "gap year," then let her work for a year before she applies. Right now, you are not allowing your daughter to learn to become independent and fully understand the consequences of her choices because you are making her choices for her. You are also making excuses for her. Stop. Talk to her like the adult she will soon be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have written on here before and received great advice. My daughter, only child made a mess of the first 1 1/2 years of HS and did not do well on the ACT due to test anxiety. She's a good kid and when I see her friends who got into college, its not like they are discussing Shakespeare and she is talking about the Kardashians.

She is puling B's senior year and wants to apply to colleges once her transcript for the fall is on file. What I am seeing is that the only colleges she has a chance of getting into are more party schools. What she needs is a school with a very supportive atmosphere where kids who might have been late bloomers can work with other students who are serious about achieving, not a bunch who want to get drunk every night.

One thought is that we live in a state with a very good flagship state school. We have called them and they want to see 30 community college credits above a B. She is very interested in them and they have provided a person at the school who went the community college route to "show her the ropes" about how to work towards her goals. In other words, community college would provide a second chance for her.

What kills me, and I am a very involved parent is her coming home crying about how all her friends are going away and she feels left out. She understands that she screwed up for a while and did not put in the work. I told her that its not where you start but where you finish and some of those kids will never even make it to graduation or transfer back home. I also mention that if in 4 1/2 years they are sitting in a stadium in the exact same place graduating at the same school, who cares about where the first year was done. But we were all seventeen once and she is heartbroken.

Any ideas on what else I can tell her? She really wants to get out of the house once HS is over.

I am a professor who teaches almost exclusively undergraduate students, and I see a lot of red flags in your email. Please, please loosen the reigns. Make sure she sees her college counselor, but let her decide which college would be best. Go on tours together, but do NOT make the decision for her. You can lay out your financial parameters, and explain to her how that may make a difference in her choices, but this is the time for you to let her decide on her future. You do not have a good grasp of party schools. I went to one for my PhD, and as a TA I saw a huge, huge variation in the commitment to academics by undergraduates. If you are comfortable with your daughter doing a "gap year," then let her work for a year before she applies. Right now, you are not allowing your daughter to learn to become independent and fully understand the consequences of her choices because you are making her choices for her. You are also making excuses for her. Stop. Talk to her like the adult she will soon be.

Agreed. I'm a mental health professional at a college. I really think you need to treat your daughter as a full participant in this process and stop managing it all for her. This is her life; help her with suggestions and guidance but DO NOT over-involve yourself in the process. She needs to have ownership and to see that choices for her future are hers to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have written on here before and received great advice. My daughter, only child made a mess of the first 1 1/2 years of HS and did not do well on the ACT due to test anxiety. She's a good kid and when I see her friends who got into college, its not like they are discussing Shakespeare and she is talking about the Kardashians.

She is puling B's senior year and wants to apply to colleges once her transcript for the fall is on file. What I am seeing is that the only colleges she has a chance of getting into are more party schools. What she needs is a school with a very supportive atmosphere where kids who might have been late bloomers can work with other students who are serious about achieving, not a bunch who want to get drunk every night.

One thought is that we live in a state with a very good flagship state school. We have called them and they want to see 30 community college credits above a B. She is very interested in them and they have provided a person at the school who went the community college route to "show her the ropes" about how to work towards her goals. In other words, community college would provide a second chance for her.

What kills me, and I am a very involved parent is her coming home crying about how all her friends are going away and she feels left out. She understands that she screwed up for a while and did not put in the work. I told her that its not where you start but where you finish and some of those kids will never even make it to graduation or transfer back home. I also mention that if in 4 1/2 years they are sitting in a stadium in the exact same place graduating at the same school, who cares about where the first year was done. But we were all seventeen once and she is heartbroken.

Any ideas on what else I can tell her? She really wants to get out of the house once HS is over.

I am a professor who teaches almost exclusively undergraduate students, and I see a lot of red flags in your email. Please, please loosen the reigns. Make sure she sees her college counselor, but let her decide which college would be best. Go on tours together, but do NOT make the decision for her. You can lay out your financial parameters, and explain to her how that may make a difference in her choices, but this is the time for you to let her decide on her future. You do not have a good grasp of party schools. I went to one for my PhD, and as a TA I saw a huge, huge variation in the commitment to academics by undergraduates. If you are comfortable with your daughter doing a "gap year," then let her work for a year before she applies. Right now, you are not allowing your daughter to learn to become independent and fully understand the consequences of her choices because you are making her choices for her. You are also making excuses for her. Stop. Talk to her like the adult she will soon be.

Agreed. I'm a mental health professional at a college. I really think you need to treat your daughter as a full participant in this process and stop managing it all for her. This is her life; help her with suggestions and guidance but DO NOT over-involve yourself in the process. She needs to have ownership and to see that choices for her future are hers to make.

Another plus 1. Also, I can't believe that you were trash talking her friends abilities to make it through college to appease your daughter. Get her to a college counselor stat.

[Anonymous]

But if it is your money - make sure she understands what your expectations are.

I will pay for X or Y. I expect that you will _____. I am open to discuss - but I am going to treat you as an adult and support your choices - but there is not unlimited money available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But if it is your money - make sure she understands what your expectations are.

I will pay for X or Y. I expect that you will _____. I am open to discuss - but I am going to treat you as an adult and support your choices - but there is not unlimited money available.

Yes, this is certainly legitimate. The reality of a family's financial situation need to be explained up front to the college-bound child. My issue is when parents use the financial angle to control a child's choices. I've seen this happen on a number of occasions and think it is very passive aggressive and manipulative. But there's nothing wrong -- in fact it's a good thing -- to be honest with your child about what a family can afford and is willing to pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that she can get into a school but you are worried about the "prestige" factor or are you saying you can't afford and out of state school. There are plenty of non-party schools she could get into.

I would send her to a school she can get into like Coastal Carolina, ECU, ODU, Radford, Elon, etc... and let her transfer later if she wants to do so.

Or

She can do a GAP year program so she can "feel" like she is "like" her friends, then come back, apply again to schools, go to the community college for 1 semester and reevaluate her options.

Elon wouldn't work with her profile but the others will. Maybe High Point?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the professor and college mental health professional. You need to let her decide for herself.

I also strongly encourage a gap year (though again, she needs to decide for herself. She can also take a gap year later after her first year of college if she's having trouble.)

I wasn't ready for college, and kept wanting to take a year off to figure out what i wanted to do. I didn't do it because my parents put some pressure on me not to. But finally I was doing so badly that I stopped in the middle of my junior year and said I just have to take a year off! I worked for that year. There is nothing like working and living independently to create internal motivation, which is what any student needs to do well. I wish I'd taken the time off earlier so I wouldn't have wasted so much time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that she can get into a school but you are worried about the "prestige" factor or are you saying you can't afford and out of state school. There are plenty of non-party schools she could get into.

I would send her to a school she can get into like Coastal Carolina, ECU, ODU, Radford, Elon, etc... and let her transfer later if she wants to do so.

Or

She can do a GAP year program so she can "feel" like she is "like" her friends, then come back, apply again to schools, go to the community college for 1 semester and reevaluate her options.

Elon wouldn't work with her profile but the others will. Maybe High Point?

Why not Elon?

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't know what your financial situation is, but there is an option that has not been mentioned.

Some of the boarding schools offer a post graduate year. If you had the resources to do that she would be able to go away and learn about doing some things on her own but in a controlled, very academically-focused environment. This would allow her to get up her high school GPA and prepare her for college, as well as upping her chances to get into a school she wouldn't be able to get into now.

This is an expensive option--something on the order of $30,000 to $50,000. (They are a couple in Europe, which sounds super fun, but not sure about the academic end of things.)

informational article on post graduate year:
http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/blog/understanding-the-post-graduate-pg-year

List of boarding schools that offer:

http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/school_ov/school_id/726