Reply to Advice on How to Deal With HS Senior Who Might Not Go Away to College First Year

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have written on here before and received great advice.  My daughter, only child made a mess of the first 1 1/2 years of HS and [b]did not do well on the ACT due to test anxiety[/b].  She's a good kid and when I see her friends who got into college, its not like they are discussing Shakespeare and she is talking about the Kardashians.

She is puling B's senior year and wants to apply to colleges once her transcript for the fall is on file.  [b]What I am seeing[/b] is that the only colleges she has a chance of getting into are more party schools.  [b]What she needs[/b] is a school with a very supportive atmosphere where kids who might have been late bloomers can work with other students who are serious about achieving, not a bunch who want to get drunk every night.

One thought is that we live in a state with a very good flagship state school. [b] We have called them[/b] and they want to see 30 community college credits above a B.  She is very interested in them and they have provided a person at the school who went the community college route to "show her the ropes" about how to work towards her goals.  In other words, community college would provide a second chance for her.

What kills me, and [b]I am a very involved parent [/b]is her coming home crying about how all her friends are going away and she feels left out.  She understands that she screwed up for a while and did not put in the work.  I told her that its not where you start but where you finish and [b]some of those kids will never even make it to graduation or transfer back home.[/b]  I also mention that if in 4 1/2 years they are sitting in a stadium in the exact same place graduating at the same school, who cares about where the first year was done.  But we were all seventeen once and she is heartbroken.

Any ideas on what else I can tell her?  She really wants to get out of the house once HS is over.[/quote]

I am a professor who teaches almost exclusively undergraduate students, and I see a lot of red flags in your email. Please, please loosen the reigns. Make sure she sees her college counselor, but let her decide which college would be best. Go on tours together, but do NOT make the decision for her. You can lay out your financial parameters, and explain to her how that may make a difference in her choices, but this is the time for you to let her decide on her future. You do not have a good grasp of party schools. I went to one for my PhD, and as a TA I saw a huge, huge variation in the commitment to academics by undergraduates. If you are comfortable with your daughter doing a "gap year," then let her work for a year before she applies. Right now, you are not allowing your daughter to learn to become independent and fully understand the consequences of her choices because you are making her choices for her. You are also making excuses for her. Stop. Talk to her like the adult she will soon be. [/quote][/quote]

[b]Agreed. I'm a mental health professional at a college. I really think you need to treat your daughter as a full participant in this process and stop managing it all for her. This is her life; help her with suggestions and guidance but DO NOT over-involve yourself in the process. She needs to have ownership and to see that choices for her future are hers to make.
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