How long do I need put up with laziness?

[Anonymous]

How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

[Anonymous]

at least yours has a job, OP. Mine was laid off many years ago, gave up looking for a job and now watches YouTube all day and sleeps in as the kids and I are getting ready for school/work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some women dont marry humans; They marry socioeconomic statuses. When that status changes downward, she wants out because it's not about the human to begin with. She feels like she's been cheated out the SES that he represented to her when they were younger.

That's fine. If he misrepresented himself, he probably understood your preference and he lied because he was insecure. Then his SES went down from there. I don't blame you for being disappointed and wanting out. Just be aware that there will be no pot of gold at the end of your philosophical rainbow.

ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.

It's evolutionary psychology.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually interested in the fact that you are more concerned with the the fact that he is lazy than the fact that he is a liar. Is financial stability more important to you than honesty and trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at least yours has a job, OP. Mine was laid off many years ago, gave up looking for a job and now watches YouTube all day and sleeps in as the kids and I are getting ready for school/work.

That's sad for both of you. Could he tutor, and this way work his way back into a schedule? He might be depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at least yours has a job, OP. Mine was laid off many years ago, gave up looking for a job and now watches YouTube all day and sleeps in as the kids and I are getting ready for school/work.

That's sad for both of you. Could he tutor, and this way work his way back into a schedule? He might be depressed.

He could do a lot of things but won't. He's depressed but won't do anything about it. I've gone through years of pushing him, helping him with his resume, finding jobs for him to apply to. I just gave up after awhile and accept I have a 45 year old dysfunctional dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually interested in the fact that you are more concerned with the the fact that he is lazy than the fact that he is a liar. Is financial stability more important to you than honesty and trust?

Oh, no! Like I said, that's a whole other issue that needs a separate post. I've come to terms with that but is was huge for me. He claims he never actually lied and said "I have a degree" he said he just told me the was a math major and I assumed he graduated, he just never corrected me. He lied by omission, I know. He says he thought I wouldn't be interested in him if I thought he hadn't graduated and he was planning on going back so he didn't feel like he was really lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at least yours has a job, OP. Mine was laid off many years ago, gave up looking for a job and now watches YouTube all day and sleeps in as the kids and I are getting ready for school/work.

That's sad for both of you. Could he tutor, and this way work his way back into a schedule? He might be depressed.

He could do a lot of things but won't. He's depressed but won't do anything about it. I've gone through years of pushing him, helping him with his resume, finding jobs for him to apply to. I just gave up after awhile and accept I have a 45 year old dysfunctional dependent.

That is really sad. I think he sounds depressed too. You can't make anyone get help though (unless he becomes suicidal--then you can force him into treatment). I don't know how you deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

+1 that there are the right questions to ask. My DH, who I met in college and was working when we married, has a JD and a Master's and is currently a SAHD that doesn't even keep up with the house or kids all that well but knows a LOT about video games and his hobbies. He is only a SAHD because he lost his job and didn't even try to find anything else.

I work 60-80 hours a week and have to nag him to do even the most basic thing. But for the kids, I would be out in a moment, not because he doesn't fulfill some SES need but because he is not truly a partner. Instead of the motivated person I married, he is horribly lazy and selfish. It just isn't clear from your post whether that is true of your DH or not...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

There are so many free resources online.

Have him head over to Codecademy or Udemy. They are free or very close to free, and they don't involve a big upfront commitment. He can just start playing around and take it from there. And he can start finding freelance work once he starts learning new things as a sesueway into permanent work.

Those attributes are all important because for a depressed person, when something feels overwhelming or daunting they just bury their heads in the sand. If he tries out one of the free resources I mentioned, he just has to go start with one 9 hour crash course in one of the new programming languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some women dont marry humans; They marry socioeconomic statuses. When that status changes downward, she wants out because it's not about the human to begin with. She feels like she's been cheated out the SES that he represented to her when they were younger.

That's fine. If he misrepresented himself, he probably understood your preference and he lied because he was insecure. Then his SES went down from there. I don't blame you for being disappointed and wanting out. Just be aware that there will be no pot of gold at the end of your philosophical rainbow.

ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.

+1.

ALL women I know when they first met their husbands first talked about his job or degree or where he went to school:

"He works for NASA, you know"

"He's a frat boy from Duke"

He works for the NSA"


These were all some of the first sentences my friends used to describe their now husbands upon first meeting them. If a guy does not have an impressive/lucrative job, they wouldn't look twice at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.

What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

There are so many free resources online.

Have him head over to Codecademy or Udemy. They are free or very close to free, and they don't involve a big upfront commitment. He can just start playing around and take it from there. And he can start finding freelance work once he starts learning new things as a sesueway into permanent work.

Those attributes are all important because for a depressed person, when something feels overwhelming or daunting they just bury their heads in the sand. If he tries out one of the free resources I mentioned, he just has to go start with one 9 hour crash course in one of the new programming languages.

Class Central has these listings, including Coursera. Programming and data science are the two areas MOOCs are especially successful at teaching. And if he doesn't want to do it, tough love - shut down the internet in your house.