How can I kindly tell my brother to butt out?

[Anonymous]

Get your shit together and get a better job and your finances under control. Your brother is just trying to help you and he's worried you're spiraling downward.

[Anonymous]

I learned this year's ago at a marriage conference. Do not complain to men unless you want them to try to solve your problem. Just don't complain to your brother anymore and always tell him news about your situation in the most positive light possible.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him point blank you don't want to move in with your parents and are working on other solutions.

[Anonymous]

So tell him what your solution is. You say that is not the solution so you must have another plan. Clearly he will not be happy until you tell him what it is. He's concerned and he obviously loves you. Yes he's being forceful so you either need to be truthful or give him something to satisfy him. He doesn't want to see you in a bad spot but you don't seem to be giving him any reason to step back. Why can't you just tell him you appreciate his concern but that you believe that's not the best solution. You know it's an option if all other things fail but you'd rather try some other things first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I learned this year's ago at a marriage conference. Do not complain to men unless you want them to try to solve your problem. Just don't complain to your brother anymore and always tell him news about your situation in the most positive light possible.

Thank you. This is concrete advice on how I can pull back. I'm really going to try to do this. I didn't think I complain to him, but will definitely filter more going forward. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Your goal needs to be being firm that you are not discussing this with him any further. If you can be kind, that's good, but not necessary. Ask yourself "is HE being kind by nagging you about this and not taking your hints?"

Don't confuse being kind with doing what someone else wants or expects you to do. Lots of people make this mistake. It's not being mean to do something that doesn't meet approval.

I think this situation calls for a brief and to the point email since you have a hard time talking to him.
Say you are not open to discussing this anymore, you are not moving in with your parents, thank you for your support this far but I'm not going to talk about it going forward.

When he calls, texts and emails about it, pushing you, which he definitely will, you say "I already told you I'm not discussing this, thank you for respecting my decision" and hang up, walk away, whatever.

It's a life skill OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I learned this year's ago at a marriage conference. Do not complain to men unless you want them to try to solve your problem. Just don't complain to your brother anymore and always tell him news about your situation in the most positive light possible.

Thank you. This is concrete advice on how I can pull back. I'm really going to try to do this. I didn't think I complain to him, but will definitely filter more going forward. Thank you!

I just want to second the original PP of this. I have to be very clear with my DH when I want to just vent or when I want advice and I have to really limit the vent sessions. He finds it frustrating to hear problems he can't contribute to solving. If your brother cares about you, it may be really hard for him to hear how you are struggling and he can't help but want to jump in and try and tackle the problems for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your goal needs to be being firm that you are not discussing this with him any further. If you can be kind, that's good, but not necessary. Ask yourself "is HE being kind by nagging you about this and not taking your hints?"

Don't confuse being kind with doing what someone else wants or expects you to do. Lots of people make this mistake. It's not being mean to do something that doesn't meet approval.

I think this situation calls for a brief and to the point email since you have a hard time talking to him.
Say you are not open to discussing this anymore, you are not moving in with your parents, thank you for your support this far but I'm not going to talk about it going forward.

When he calls, texts and emails about it, pushing you, which he definitely will, you say "I already told you I'm not discussing this, thank you for respecting my decision" and hang up, walk away, whatever.

It's a life skill OP.

Yes, clearly it's a life skill I need to work on. I'm great at boundaries with everyone outside of my immediate family. You make a good point - it literally makes me feel sick to discuss moving in with our parents. I spent three of four weeks in November, sick - all from lowered immunity due to stress. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother is not respecting your boundaries because you have none. You are not making them clear and you are not enforcing them.

The advice above that you say you will follow is a good one - start filtering much more of what you tell your brother, in terms of what is wrong in your life. It's not his problem to fix and his instinct will always be to fix it.

The next step is to be simple and clear about what you do not want to discuss any more. It is NOT RUDE to hold your boundaries, and you can do so in a simple way:

"Brother, I am never going to live with mom and dad again. Please stop bringing it up."

"Brother, you keep mentioning me going to live with Mom and Dad again. That is never going to happen. I am an adult and this is my decision. It's really not open for discussion anymore."

"Thank you, Brother. I've got some ideas and I'm working on them. When I'm ready to talk about it, I will. I appreciate your concern."

"That's private, Brother. Thank you for asking but I'd rather not discuss it."

"I can take care of myself, Brother. Thank you for caring, but I'd prefer to change the subject."

Keep firm. You can be kind and still be firm. Do not apologize. If he will not stop harping on it, you need to assert your boundaries more clearly:

"Brother, I have said this topic is not open for discussion, but you keep bringing it up, and that upsets me. I'll talk to you another time. Good night."

"Brother, it makes me really uncomfortable that you keep bringing up living with Mom and Dad when I have been clear that that is never going to happen. I'm going to head home now, and I'll ask you please not mention this again the next time we get together."

Be clear and firm.

Have you considered individual therapy to work on boundary issues?

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm glad you got advice from this thread, but did you really need people here to tell you to stop sharing info about your financial situation and difficult time? It seems reasonable that your bro would want to find you a solution if you're going on and on about your situation.

Also, is his suggestion altruistic or is he also worried about your parents and wants you there as a caregiver to ease his mind?