How can I kindly tell my brother to butt out?

[Anonymous]

My brother is trying to encourage me to move in with our parents, who were emotionally abusive and our mother was manipulative and father had anger management issues. I am not doing well financially and he thinks this is the solution to my problems. I do not want to hurt my parents by telling them this, but I would seriously rather become homeless than live with them. My brother keeps asking specific questions about it. "Well, did you ask Dad that specific question? What did he say?" and then texting my dad to get his answer and then texting me back to say "Dad says that's not an issue" or whatever. He needs to butt out. I do not want to be rude about telling him that. I thought of saying "I think you need to let us work this out without your input and just let it unfold however it unfolds" but know he will say "But you guys don't seem to be effectively communicating (so clearly need my help)." I think a huge reason why living with them wouldn't go well is BECAUSE of our communication issues (they don't listen to me when I speak), among others.

Not only don't I want to move in with the parental unit, I don't want to discuss the issue with my brother. How do I nicely say this to him in a way where he'll listen to me? (He is a lawyer and prone to being pushy, especially with me.)

[Anonymous]

I appreciate you helping me out you are such a good brother to me, and I love you, but I've got this.
Then shut down any further talk about your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you helping me out you are such a good brother to me, and I love you, but I've got this.
Then shut down any further talk about your situation.

I can't say anything that vague. His response will be that I've clearly NOT got this since it "required him" to clarify with my father something I asked our dad and didn't get an answer to. We are over-involved in each other's lives and a little too detail oriented, I think. I'm trying to learn to be more vague but it's hard, especially with family where nobody else seems to have the same goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you helping me out you are such a good brother to me, and I love you, but I've got this.
Then shut down any further talk about your situation.

I can't say anything that vague. His response will be that I've clearly NOT got this since it "required him" to clarify with my father something I asked our dad and didn't get an answer to. We are over-involved in each other's lives and a little too detail oriented, I think. I'm trying to learn to be more vague but it's hard, especially with family where nobody else seems to have the same goal.

Well Do you have a plan? Are they worried you can't make rent? Eat? Etc. If so, "I understand you're worried about my finances but I'm able to make rent just fine. " or "I'm moving in with a friend in January". Answers can vary depending on how dire they think you are vs reality

[Anonymous]

Have you written about this before?

[Anonymous]

Why does your brother not take you in ? Does he live at Mom and Dad's house too ? Why is he so in your business ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you written about this before?

Yes. She has

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your brother not take you in ? Does he live at Mom and Dad's house too ? Why is he so in your business ?

He is not going to take me in, and that's that. No, he does not live with our parents. We just ARE way too in each other's business, except it seems I'm the only one who tries to pull back from that. If one of us says we went to the movie with a friend, the other asks which friend. When said friend is named, the next question is "How do you know her/him?" We're just way over-involved.

[Anonymous]

So stop responding and get your shit together so they stop worrying that you're going to be homeless. Either draw back and stay firm or Give in. You decide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stop responding and get your shit together so they stop worrying that you're going to be homeless. Either draw back and stay firm or Give in. You decide

Well obviously I'm TRYING to get my shit together. The reality is I'm having a hard time. A very hard time. But I do not think moving in with my parents is a solution. And I'm not going to do it. But i don't want to talk with my brother about it, which is hard when we are face to face in his house and he's asking me point blank "So did you talk to Mom and Dad to follow up on that phone conversation from three weeks ago?" How do you not respond to that? As I said, I do not want to be mean, just firm, in a way that will be respected. I am asking HOW to "stay firm."

[Anonymous]

Grow a backbone, OP.

[Anonymous]

"Brother, I love you, but I'm not talking about this anymore."

Repeat as necessary. If he won't stop pushing, hang up the phone. Leave the room. Leave the place. You have to be the one to change, it won't be him.

[Anonymous]

Are you telling your brother about your financial problems? And are you asking him to give you money?

If yes to either of those, then stop that.

[Anonymous]

I know that you're only trying to help, but I can't have you or anyone else playing the role of translator in my relationship with my parents. I know you're concerned, but I need to sort this out on my own. If you can't accept that, then I can't continue to share the details of my situation with you.

And then stop offering up details. If that means putting some space between you two, which is not ideal, then do it temporarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling your brother about your financial problems? And are you asking him to give you money?

If yes to either of those, then stop that.

I agree. How is he getting all of this information out of you anyway? If you're telling him because you're asking him to bail you out, then you aren't really in a position to control how he reacts to that.

If he's just being noisy but you aren't asking anything of him, then there's no basis for his meddling and it'll be easier for you to say that and stick with it.