4th Grader Has No Friends

[Anonymous]

Our 4th grader also has ADHD and anxiety. He seems to have a few school friends but nothing outside of school. We have him on a sports team and that has been really good for him.

[Anonymous]

Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We've done social skills groups, initiating play dates, scouts, regular robotics classes, etc. Team sports are not a good option for him. I don't know what else to do and I'm concerned he's going to be a very lonely kid. He says he wants friends but can't seem to do what is necessary to make it happen. He does take meds for ADHD/Anxiety.

Parent of the shy 2nd grader who posted previously - my son also is not good at team sports, but is a decent swimmer, so we signed him up for a swim team at the Y and he made a few friendly acquaintances that way.

This. Friends with children with similar traits as you describe have had great success with things like swim team, running groups/clubs (our school has one), chess club . . . individual activities with other kids around.

Also, highly suggest discussing with the guidance counselor. Ours is superb and really helps with these types of situations.

[Anonymous]

Ours is going to try archery or aikido soon. Also ideas.

[Anonymous]

If he has the remotest interest in theatre, get him involved in school or community plays or acting groups for kids. I've known more than one shy, introverted kid do well in that environment.

Hope things work out. I know what it's like to be a shy lonely kid.

[Anonymous]

Not sure where you are, but have you thought about something like this? My daughter used to go to a therapist associated with this practice in Alexandria and her therapist was great with her anxiety.

Boys Elementary Social Skills Group

The focus will be on making friends and keeping friends, targeting the group you want to join in with and doing that successfully, how to start and hold a conversation, and other coping skills to manage social situations. This group will build on foundational social skills by increasing a child’s ability withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. The goal is to foster, engage in, and sustain positive social relationships and to endure and recover from stressors and social isolation.

http://www.movingforwardplc.com/upcoming-groups/

[Anonymous]

Just my $0.02 as a DH ...

Kudos to all these parents who are looking to help their children chart through this. I don't have much to add in terms of suggestions, but I did want to raise a symbolic toast to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever.

Completely agree with the above.

I truly empathize with the original poster's child because I was that one painfully-shy, all-alone kid all through school. I desperately wanted a friend, but somehow it just didn't happen. My parents were very worried about my lack of any sort of social life, but the more they encouraged me to "make friends," the more desperate I thought I would look if I actually tried to make one. That sort of perverse logic prevented me from really developing any true friendships between the ages of, say, 10 and 18. Yes, I know. Pretty much late elementary school through end of high school. Now, looking back (I'm 36), it appears to me that when I was in school, kids repeatedly made attempts to befriend me. I just didn't feel confident enough to reciprocate.

The good news is that my lack of a social life (or social skills) throughout my adolescence did not end up defining my life into adulthood. I've been happily married for 15 years, have two beautiful kids (whose social skills, mercifully, far outshine their mother's at their age), a professional job, and many friends. People who have met me after I had gone off to college, would have a very difficult time recognizing me in this post. In fact, I dare say that most of them would consider me somewhat of a social butterfly, for lack of a better term. They would be shocked to learn of the loneliness I suffered in my tween and teenage years.

The point is, even if your child has trouble making friends right now, that does not mean that he is doomed to a life of misery for the rest of his days. In fact, your kid has every chance of growing up to be a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult with a rich social life and close relationships notwithstanding a lack of friends in elementary school! (That being said, it wouldn't hurt if he happened to make a friend or two before he becomes an adult! But don't push too hard -- it might be counterproductive.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some things that helped our very shy child (now in 7th grade):

- working on the tech crew for the school play each spring. We worked hard to get him to sign up but it's been great for him. He hasn't made any "best friends" through it but obviously like doing it with the dozen or so other tech crew kids.
- Scouting -- again, a ready group of kids to do stuff with
- Church youth group. Don't call it Sunday school. Like scouts and school play, it's a group of kids who the child gets to know. The occasional weekend trips are great bonding experiences.

Sports are great for self confidence -- if you are avoiding team sports, try tennis, squash, crew, running. Our DC didn't like team sports either. One summer we got a private coach for a couple weeks which vastly improved DC's ability and confidence, and voila -- DC liked DC's one team sport much more because DC was so much better at it.

Hi, can you tell me which coach your kid worked with personally? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever.

Completely agree with the above.

I truly empathize with the original poster's child because I was that one painfully-shy, all-alone kid all through school. I desperately wanted a friend, but somehow it just didn't happen. My parents were very worried about my lack of any sort of social life, but the more they encouraged me to "make friends," the more desperate I thought I would look if I actually tried to make one. That sort of perverse logic prevented me from really developing any true friendships between the ages of, say, 10 and 18. Yes, I know. Pretty much late elementary school through end of high school. Now, looking back (I'm 36), it appears to me that when I was in school, kids repeatedly made attempts to befriend me. I just didn't feel confident enough to reciprocate.

The good news is that my lack of a social life (or social skills) throughout my adolescence did not end up defining my life into adulthood. I've been happily married for 15 years, have two beautiful kids (whose social skills, mercifully, far outshine their mother's at their age), a professional job, and many friends. People who have met me after I had gone off to college, would have a very difficult time recognizing me in this post. In fact, I dare say that most of them would consider me somewhat of a social butterfly, for lack of a better term. They would be shocked to learn of the loneliness I suffered in my tween and teenage years.

The point is, even if your child has trouble making friends right now, that does not mean that he is doomed to a life of misery for the rest of his days. In fact, your kid has every chance of growing up to be a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult with a rich social life and close relationships notwithstanding a lack of friends in elementary school! (That being said, it wouldn't hurt if he happened to make a friend or two before he becomes an adult! But don't push too hard -- it might be counterproductive.)

NP here. This is what I have struggled with- the balance between leaving my child alone and letting him be a loner and instigating friendships for him and talking about it, signing him up for activities etc in
The hopes that he will find someone he clicks with. My child is in 3rd grade and so far we have not had any luck. He has a couple family friends with kids that he regularly plays with but that's about it. I am honestly tired of role playing, signing up for activities, setting up play dates, talking to him about it, etc. I am a very social person so it has been an adjustment understanding where this comes from but I honestly just want him to be happy. I just can't tell if being alone makes him happy it he is just to stressed to do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever.

Completely agree with the above.

I truly empathize with the original poster's child because I was that one painfully-shy, all-alone kid all through school. I desperately wanted a friend, but somehow it just didn't happen. My parents were very worried about my lack of any sort of social life, but the more they encouraged me to "make friends," the more desperate I thought I would look if I actually tried to make one. That sort of perverse logic prevented me from really developing any true friendships between the ages of, say, 10 and 18. Yes, I know. Pretty much late elementary school through end of high school. Now, looking back (I'm 36), it appears to me that when I was in school, kids repeatedly made attempts to befriend me. I just didn't feel confident enough to reciprocate.

The good news is that my lack of a social life (or social skills) throughout my adolescence did not end up defining my life into adulthood. I've been happily married for 15 years, have two beautiful kids (whose social skills, mercifully, far outshine their mother's at their age), a professional job, and many friends. People who have met me after I had gone off to college, would have a very difficult time recognizing me in this post. In fact, I dare say that most of them would consider me somewhat of a social butterfly, for lack of a better term. They would be shocked to learn of the loneliness I suffered in my tween and teenage years.

The point is, even if your child has trouble making friends right now, that does not mean that he is doomed to a life of misery for the rest of his days. In fact, your kid has every chance of growing up to be a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult with a rich social life and close relationships notwithstanding a lack of friends in elementary school! (That being said, it wouldn't hurt if he happened to make a friend or two before he becomes an adult! But don't push too hard -- it might be counterproductive.)

NP here. This is what I have struggled with- the balance between leaving my child alone and letting him be a loner and instigating friendships for him and talking about it, signing him up for activities etc in
The hopes that he will find someone he clicks with. My child is in 3rd grade and so far we have not had any luck. He has a couple family friends with kids that he regularly plays with but that's about it. I am honestly tired of role playing, signing up for activities, setting up play dates, talking to him about it, etc. I am a very social person so it has been an adjustment understanding where this comes from but I honestly just want him to be happy. I just can't tell if being alone makes him happy it he is just to stressed to do anything else.

My son is in 5th grade this year, and I feel like he has finally made a few good friends in his grade this year. 2nd and 3rd grade were definitely hard for him, and 4th started to get better. He also is not the most social, isn't into sports, and really likes his down time. While his little brother loves to play after school, he always just wants to go home and chill. And he's OK with that. I ask him if he is unhappy or lonely and he says no. A day of school and socializing there is enough for him. He did start Odyssey of the Mind at school this year, and is involved in an after school club that emphasizes STEM activities. The kids in both of these activities are a lot like him - a little nerdy, not really into sports, into Lego, etc, etc. They have been a good fit for him. This weekend he had a playdate with a kid from his grade - probably the first time since 2nd grade he has done that. They played Lego, played outside, and had a great time. He's a nice kid and I am happy for my son. Next year he will start middle school which I am sure will present its own new challenges, but for now he seems to be happy and confident with things. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't push too much but at the same time, don't let him sit at home doing absolutely nothing. Engage him. He doesn't need to be on the team or in a club. Find kids who share his interests, from basket weaving (hypothetically) to hiking or even Minecraft.

Back in the day, I pushed my Aspie into so many sports and clubs, he completely shut down. So I let him choose. He absolutely hated sports, arts & crafts but every time he played with model airplanes or rockets, he lit up. So he's not the most active kid on the planet but he's much happier playing with these models in his room with 1-2 friends. Geeks unite, as I call it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever.

Completely agree with the above.

I truly empathize with the original poster's child because I was that one painfully-shy, all-alone kid all through school. I desperately wanted a friend, but somehow it just didn't happen. My parents were very worried about my lack of any sort of social life, but the more they encouraged me to "make friends," the more desperate I thought I would look if I actually tried to make one. That sort of perverse logic prevented me from really developing any true friendships between the ages of, say, 10 and 18. Yes, I know. Pretty much late elementary school through end of high school. Now, looking back (I'm 36), it appears to me that when I was in school, kids repeatedly made attempts to befriend me. I just didn't feel confident enough to reciprocate.

The good news is that my lack of a social life (or social skills) throughout my adolescence did not end up defining my life into adulthood. I've been happily married for 15 years, have two beautiful kids (whose social skills, mercifully, far outshine their mother's at their age), a professional job, and many friends. People who have met me after I had gone off to college, would have a very difficult time recognizing me in this post. In fact, I dare say that most of them would consider me somewhat of a social butterfly, for lack of a better term. They would be shocked to learn of the loneliness I suffered in my tween and teenage years.

The point is, even if your child has trouble making friends right now, that does not mean that he is doomed to a life of misery for the rest of his days. In fact, your kid has every chance of growing up to be a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult with a rich social life and close relationships notwithstanding a lack of friends in elementary school! (That being said, it wouldn't hurt if he happened to make a friend or two before he becomes an adult! But don't push too hard -- it might be counterproductive.)

NP here. This is what I have struggled with- the balance between leaving my child alone and letting him be a loner and instigating friendships for him and talking about it, signing him up for activities etc in
The hopes that he will find someone he clicks with. My child is in 3rd grade and so far we have not had any luck. He has a couple family friends with kids that he regularly plays with but that's about it. I am honestly tired of role playing, signing up for activities, setting up play dates, talking to him about it, etc. I am a very social person so it has been an adjustment understanding where this comes from but I honestly just want him to be happy. I just can't tell if being alone makes him happy it he is just to stressed to do anything else.

My son is in 5th grade this year, and I feel like he has finally made a few good friends in his grade this year. 2nd and 3rd grade were definitely hard for him, and 4th started to get better. He also is not the most social, isn't into sports, and really likes his down time. While his little brother loves to play after school, he always just wants to go home and chill. And he's OK with that. I ask him if he is unhappy or lonely and he says no. A day of school and socializing there is enough for him. He did start Odyssey of the Mind at school this year, and is involved in an after school club that emphasizes STEM activities. The kids in both of these activities are a lot like him - a little nerdy, not really into sports, into Lego, etc, etc. They have been a good fit for him. This weekend he had a playdate with a kid from his grade - probably the first time since 2nd grade he has done that. They played Lego, played outside, and had a great time. He's a nice kid and I am happy for my son. Next year he will start middle school which I am sure will present its own new challenges, but for now he seems to be happy and confident with things. Good luck!

I could have written this post ... except that this parent seems much more sane and chill than I am . I worry constantly for my similar DS. Which is to say that you should follow her/advice, and more importantly, you and I both should follow her calm attitude and perspective!