4th Grader Has No Friends
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Anonymous
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My 4th grade DS has no friends. I don't think he's been invited to a birthday party or playdate since 2nd grade. He's very shy around other kids and has a hard time opening himself up to connect. He's not disliked or teased (yet) but I think kids got tired of trying because he wouldn't reciprocate and now he's just a loner.
We've done social skills groups, initiating play dates, scouts, regular robotics classes, etc. Team sports are not a good option for him. I don't know what else to do and I'm concerned he's going to be a very lonely kid. He says he wants friends but can't seem to do what is necessary to make it happen. He does take meds for ADHD/Anxiety. Has anyone been in this situation and things improved? Looking for a glimmer of hope here.... |
Anonymous
| Does he have birthday parties himself? I find that the birthday party circuit is very reciprocal. |
Anonymous
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Yes. I had a shy child in ES. We would invite the whole class for her birthday as well as friend's kids. So, while she would get reciprocal invites, she was still having problems making friends.
Middle School was awesome. I put her in all EC clubs and activities at school that I could. She made lots of friends and never looked back. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately, my child is younger (2nd grade) but has many of the same issues. I found that what worked well was for me to form connections with moms, and try to leverage off of that to make social connections for my son. That won't work as well with a 4th grader, though, because kids are choosing their own friends more at that age. My suggestion would be to is talk to his teacher and find out which boys in his class might be a good fit for him - others that are more quiet or just generally kind kids. Then I would try to organize a few fun things (a movie outing, bowling, trip to air & space museum, etc.) and invite those kids, one at a time (not in a group), to do things with him. For my son, play dates are just the worst, he is totally quiet and awkward, but activities with another kid outside the house go much, much better. |
Anonymous
Parent of the shy 2nd grader who posted previously - my son also is not good at team sports, but is a decent swimmer, so we signed him up for a swim team at the Y and he made a few friendly acquaintances that way. |
Anonymous
| Have you talked with the school's guidance counselor? They're sometimes very helpful with this. They can talk with your son's teachers to get some context and then maybe meet with your son one on one to help him think of ways to connect. |
Anonymous
+1. This is what makes good guidance counselors worth their salt in elementary school. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the ideas. I should have mentioned that the school is trying to help him. The counselor runs a social skills group at school he's a part of and the teacher helps him to interact during groups in class. I'm trying to figure out if there other things we can do to help him. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Have you ever had him evaluated by a psychiatrist for anxiety or had a neuropsych evaluation? Shy is a nebulous term. Sometimes it's just being introverted, sometimes it's b/c of anxiety or an LD. If it's this extreme, I would consider some kind of evaluation if you haven't done so already. Sometimes the right meds can help kids break out of their shell. I would keep doing the things that you're doing regarding play dates. Try to have him connect with the same few kids one-on-one who have similar interests as he. |
Anonymous
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There are other types of outside activities beyond group sports.
Others have suggested sports like swimming. There are others, too. You could start doing chess club. Board game clubs for kids. Cooking classes. Yoga. Minecraft. Are you religious? Try church Sunday school. Not religious? Try one of the areas Ethical Societies and their Sunday schools. |
Anonymous
| DD is a super extrovert and has very few friends either. I think other parents probably think she's too much, she goes up and hugs her friends, gets super excited when she's around other kids. It breaks my heart when she feels sad about that. She's in 1st grade and started at the school since kindergarten. we live in a place where there's a lot of stay at home moms whose children went to the preschools in the neighborhood so a lot of the children know each other since they were toddlers. I couldn't put her in those preschool because we need full time care. I have noticed that there these little exclusive type groups of children. I thought that started in middle and high school, didn't realize this was also happening at the elementary school level. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't worry about playdate invites not being reciprocated. Many moms are just too busy to set them up. Would keep inviting kids over, a variety if possible. Gives the child practice interacting, builds familiarity which will help on the playground at recess and hopefully builds from there. I am not big on excess use of electronic devices for kids, but my kids in 2nd G. play Mindcraft, seem to talk about it, and watch it on you tube. Perhaps he would benefit from exposure to activities the other kids are doing / playing. My mom kept me from tv as a kid and I missed out on a lot of cconversations as a result. So my way to ask him what are the other kids interested in and expose him to it. |
Anonymous
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Agree with much of the above. Does he play with someone at recess? Eat lunch with someone? Does he have that level of companionship even if he's not getting some outside playdates?
Have you tried anything with music? My son is in a group piano class. And then he's eligible for band next year. I find the music-oriented groups pretty welcoming. |
Anonymous
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How does your DS feel about this? Is it that he has no friends, or that he defines friendship differently/doesn't need as many interactions to feel content. As someone else asked-does he play alone or with others at recess? Does he talk to other kids? Is he choosing to withdraw because he can't relate? I think it's awesome you are getting help at school and trying to get more ideas.
When you do playdates, do you keep them short and sweet? I have found playdates usually end happy if the kid comes over, they play briefly, there is a special snack, they play a little more and DONE. Little time for arguments or feeling too rejected. You monitor from a distance and if needed redirect if things aren't going well. Even better, you could do a short meet up- go to McDonalds or if your work schedule allows, meet up at the school playground afterschool or at a park on the weekend. Exercise boosts our mood so even if they don't play a lot together, just running around might make them both feel it was an OK playdate. |
Anonymous
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Some things that helped our very shy child (now in 7th grade):
- working on the tech crew for the school play each spring. We worked hard to get him to sign up but it's been great for him. He hasn't made any "best friends" through it but obviously like doing it with the dozen or so other tech crew kids. - Scouting -- again, a ready group of kids to do stuff with - Church youth group. Don't call it Sunday school. Like scouts and school play, it's a group of kids who the child gets to know. The occasional weekend trips are great bonding experiences. Sports are great for self confidence -- if you are avoiding team sports, try tennis, squash, crew, running. Our DC didn't like team sports either. One summer we got a private coach for a couple weeks which vastly improved DC's ability and confidence, and voila -- DC liked DC's one team sport much more because DC was so much better at it. |