Reply to 4th Grader Has No Friends

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Don't push too much. Kids grow into themselves at different rates. The way is now is NOT how he will be forever. [/quote]

Completely agree with the above.

I truly empathize with the original poster's child because I was that one painfully-shy, all-alone kid all through school. I desperately wanted a friend, but somehow it just didn't happen. My parents were very worried about my lack of any sort of social life, but the more they encouraged me to "make friends," the more desperate I thought I would look if I actually tried to make one. That sort of perverse logic prevented me from really developing any true friendships between the ages of, say, 10 and 18. Yes, I know. Pretty much late elementary school through end of high school. Now, looking back (I'm 36), it appears to me that when I was in school, kids repeatedly made attempts to befriend me. I just didn't feel confident enough to reciprocate.

The good news is that my lack of a social life (or social skills) throughout my adolescence did not end up defining my life into adulthood. I've been happily married for 15 years, have two beautiful kids (whose social skills, mercifully, far outshine their mother's at their age), a professional job, and many friends. People who have met me after I had gone off to college, would have a very difficult time recognizing me in this post. In fact, I dare say that most of them would consider me somewhat of a social butterfly, for lack of a better term. They would be shocked to learn of the loneliness I suffered in my tween and teenage years.

The point is, even if your child has trouble making friends right now, that does not mean that he is doomed to a life of misery for the rest of his days. In fact, your kid has every chance of growing up to be a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult with a rich social life and close relationships notwithstanding a lack of friends in elementary school! (That being said, it wouldn't hurt if he happened to make a friend or two before he becomes an adult! :) But don't push too hard -- it might be counterproductive.) [/quote]

NP here. This is what I have struggled with- the balance between leaving my child alone and letting him be a loner and instigating friendships for him and talking about it, signing him up for activities etc in
The hopes that he will find someone he clicks with. My child is in 3rd grade and so far we have not had any luck. He has a couple family friends with kids that he regularly plays with but that's about it. I am honestly tired of role playing, signing up for activities, setting up play dates, talking to him about it, etc. I am a very social person so it has been an adjustment understanding where this comes from but I honestly just want him to be happy. I just can't tell if being alone makes him happy it he is just to stressed to do anything else. [/quote]

My son is in 5th grade this year, and I feel like he has finally made a few good friends in his grade this year.  2nd and 3rd grade were definitely hard for him, and 4th started to get better.  He also is not the most social, isn't into sports, and really likes his down time.  While his little brother loves to play after school, he always just wants to go home and chill.  And he's OK with that.  I ask him if he is unhappy or lonely and he says no.  A day of school and socializing there is enough for him.  He did start Odyssey of the Mind at school this year, and is involved in an after school club that emphasizes STEM activities.  The kids in both of these activities are a lot like him - a little nerdy, not really into sports, into Lego, etc, etc.  They have been a good fit for him.  This weekend he had a playdate with a kid from his grade - probably the first time since 2nd grade he has done that.  They played Lego, played outside, and had a great time.  He's a nice kid and I am happy for my son.  Next year he will start middle school which I am sure will present its own new challenges, but for now he seems to be happy and confident with things.  Good luck!  [/quote]

I could have written this post ... except that this parent seems much more sane and chill than I am :-). I worry constantly for my similar DS. Which is to say that you should follow her/advice, and more importantly, you and I both should follow her calm attitude and perspective![/quote]

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