Reply to I need perspective from DHs/former DHs

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Let me add some context.

I quit drinking, weed, smoking on my own.  I was never out of control, crazy party guy - I was a high-functioning substance abuser.  I had tapered back on booze maybe 6 months ago.  Weed maybe a year ago.  Smoking was coming and going as job stress waxed and waned, but I'm over it.

Looking back I feel like I was trying to mask something or make myself happy.  In retrospect I feel like I was smothering some lingering unhappiness with my marriage even though there was really nothing seriously wrong.  So now all those masks have been gone, my mind is much clearer, and I have spent months thinking about why, as time went on, I seemed to be more and more unhappy.  I pin it on my marriage for reasons I still can't quite figure out.  DW is flipping out feeling blamed. [/quote]

I would flip out too.  Your wife didn't make you turn to substances, you did.  If you were unhappy with her (which you don't even seem sure of), there are things you could have done like counseling or breaking up.  You did not need to start smoking up or drinking.  I cannot imagine the pain she must feel by you laying this at her feet.  That is just incredible.

I think you need to do some soul searching and therapy to figure out why you have made these choices, without scapegoating her.  As a PP mentioned, even if you leave her you will still be with you.  I strongly believe that without working on yourself, you are doomed to further bad relationships.

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