Married female: jealous of AP's wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

If it "would have been you", you'd be busy raising his kids and daily chores, work and whatnot. Not a lot of time for emotional connection during that period in life. Especially if the scumbag is out screwing women who devotes ALL their free time to boosting his ego.

I'm not any of the PPs, but I disagree with this. I raise the children and do the chores and work full time and have an amazing emotional connection with my husband. I agree that it's harder to maintain that connection with the minutiae of the day chasing you around, but suggesting that marriage and young children kill the possibility of emotional connection is something that people use to justify having affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

If it "would have been you", you'd be busy raising his kids and daily chores, work and whatnot. Not a lot of time for emotional connection during that period in life. Especially if the scumbag is out screwing women who devotes ALL their free time to boosting his ego.

People don't realize what a number the daily grind of managing a household , career and kids does to emotions and connections in general. When couples embrace reality and accept it, they will stop hankering for connections outside marriage. The media is to blame for the utopian image of marriage, partially. Sets unrealistic expectations. To the two "other " women, The wives truly win.

[Anonymous]

You should be jealous. He thinks she's worthy of a commitment and you're not.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster from 14:15. His kids are in their teens, so not really young kids in that sense. There should be plenty of time to (re)build any emotional connection. However, it appears that as the kids have grown up, his wife and he seem to have less and less in common with each other, and in his words have 'drifted apart'.

Of course, my situation is not identical to the OP's, in that my erstwhile AP and I go way back. He was my BF in college, and we each consider the other to be the one that got away (due to circumstances that are not relevant here). We reconnected after many years of no contact at all - he's married, and I am widowed with a young child. We don't have a future together - I do not want to break up anyone's marriage so we've decided on cutting off all contact once more. It hurts like hell, but it's probably the best (and the right) thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

If it "would have been you", you'd be busy raising his kids and daily chores, work and whatnot. Not a lot of time for emotional connection during that period in life. Especially if the scumbag is out screwing women who devotes ALL their free time to boosting his ego.

People don't realize what a number the daily grind of managing a household , career and kids does to emotions and connections in general. When couples embrace reality and accept it, they will stop hankering for connections outside marriage. The media is to blame for the utopian image of marriage, partially. Sets unrealistic expectations. To the two "other " women, The wives truly win.

I actually agree with you on the unrealistic picture of marriage we are fed. I'll add that we're encouraged to marry for "love" and that sounds nice, but the "love" tends to be based on those early exciting , butterfly feelings and hot sex. Which is great but not the stuff of day to day or 30, 40, 50 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

That's what he told you and led you to believe. It often works when people (both men and women) seek to hold on to an affair.

Actually, it can't be a lie, even if he is telling the PP what she wants to hear. A person who connects with their spouse emotionally, by default, doesn't betray their trust by cheating.

I disagree that it can't be a lie. Some people do have some emotional connection to their spouse but just like the thrill-seeking and novelty of an affair, or engage in compulsive/addictive behaviors, etc. I agree that the spouses don't have the emotional connection that they should have, but it's not unusual for cheaters to say and do whatever they want to get what they want. They're lying cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

If it "would have been you", you'd be busy raising his kids and daily chores, work and whatnot. Not a lot of time for emotional connection during that period in life. Especially if the scumbag is out screwing women who devotes ALL their free time to boosting his ego.

I'm not any of the PPs, but I disagree with this. I raise the children and do the chores and work full time and have an amazing emotional connection with my husband. I agree that it's harder to maintain that connection with the minutiae of the day chasing you around, but suggesting that marriage and young children kill the possibility of emotional connection is something that people use to justify having affairs.

Good for you! Really, congratulations. I don't think what you are describing is impossible but I think the majority of couples are struggling in one way or the other when the children are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

That's what he told you and led you to believe. It often works when people (both men and women) seek to hold on to an affair.

Actually, it can't be a lie, even if he is telling the PP what she wants to hear. A person who connects with their spouse emotionally, by default, doesn't betray their trust by cheating.

I disagree that it can't be a lie. Some people do have some emotional connection to their spouse but just like the thrill-seeking and novelty of an affair, or engage in compulsive/addictive behaviors, etc. I agree that the spouses don't have the emotional connection that they should have, but it's not unusual for cheaters to say and do whatever they want to get what they want. They're lying cheaters.

But don't you see? Having that emotional connection, in the true sense of the phrase, with someone means that you respect them enough not to deliberatly lie to them. You would be honest with them about your compulsions, whatever they may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster from 14:15. His kids are in their teens, so not really young kids in that sense. There should be plenty of time to (re)build any emotional connection. However, it appears that as the kids have grown up, his wife and he seem to have less and less in common with each other, and in his words have 'drifted apart'.

Of course, my situation is not identical to the OP's, in that my erstwhile AP and I go way back. He was my BF in college, and we each consider the other to be the one that got away (due to circumstances that are not relevant here). We reconnected after many years of no contact at all - he's married, and I am widowed with a young child. We don't have a future together - I do not want to break up anyone's marriage so we've decided on cutting off all contact once more. It hurts like hell, but it's probably the best (and the right) thing to do.

Teens. We waited 7 years to have kids. We've been married 20 years-- kids 7 and 10.

Men like your AP are losers looking for something new to make them feel young again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife -[b] the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

That's what he told you and led you to believe. It often works when people (both men and women) seek to hold on to an affair.

Actually, it can't be a lie, even if he is telling the PP what she wants to hear. A person who connects with their spouse emotionally, by default, doesn't betray their trust by cheating.

I disagree that it can't be a lie. Some people do have some emotional connection to their spouse but just like the thrill-seeking and novelty of an affair, or engage in compulsive/addictive behaviors, etc. I agree that the spouses don't have the emotional connection that they should have, [/b]but it's not unusual for cheaters to say and do whatever they want to get what they want. They're lying cheaters[b].

+100
These type of narcissists often put on a fabulously false front to the public--everyone thinks they are such a good, kind person and then are complete assholes at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

"By his own admission" lmao. Honey he'll give you whatever admissions you want to hear to get balls deep in you. And that's all. Give me a break. I can't believe there are so many pathetic low self esteem women out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

"By his own admission" lmao. Honey he'll give you whatever admissions you want to hear to get balls deep in you. And that's all. Give me a break. I can't believe there are so many pathetic low self esteem women out there.

While cheating men are absolute SCUM, it never fails to amaze me how women fall for the same damn lines. I could respect a more original lie but this is funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be jealous. He thinks she's worthy of a commitment and you're not.

Exactly what I was going to say. You're just the ass on the side. She's the wife in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I felt this way too. I'm not younger than his wife, but in way better shape and far prettier. We also shared a very strong emotional connection, something that by his own admission was missing from his marital relationship. The 'affair' such as it was has ended, although in our case it was a lot more emotional than physical. The emotional connection I had with him made me extremely jealous of his wife - the fact that he didn't connect with her emotionally made things worse for me, not better, with me frequently thinking "why could it not have been me". We didn't have a future together, and had to break it off, but I still feel slightly triumphant that he felt for me what he didn't feel for her.... But in the end, she has him, permanently, while I don't. That always kills any feelings of 'victory' that I might have.

"By his own admission" lmao. Honey he'll give you whatever admissions you want to hear to get balls deep in you. And that's all. Give me a break. I can't believe there are so many pathetic low self esteem women out there.

While cheating men are absolute SCUM, it never fails to amaze me how women fall for the same damn lines. I could respect a more original lie but this is funny.

So true. How many men are going to get an AP in bed by telling them that they truly and deeply love their spouses, will never leave their wife, and adore their kids and family life? It's not quite as compelling a story to get you into bed. Some affairs do lead to love and happiness, but you'd be hard pressed to find cheating guys that would tell you anything other than some sob story about their broken marriage.

[Anonymous]

So true. How many men are going to get an AP in bed by telling them that they truly and deeply love their spouses, will never leave their wife, and adore their kids and family life? It's not quite as compelling a story to get you into bed. Some affairs do lead to love and happiness, but you'd be hard pressed to find cheating guys that would tell you anything other than some sob story about their broken marriage.

If they truly and deeply loved their spouses, they would not be sleeping around in the first place would they? It would not be a risk worth taking....