How not to let mothers comments get to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this kind of your fault for not telling her?

No, because bugging people about when they are going to have a kid or when they are going to have a second, or suggesting that you're not a "real family" unless you have at least two kids, is always inappropriate. You shouldn't need to be told that someone is struggling with infertility to know that.

If my mom said that about the real family (which she never would, because she is a decent person), I'd respond, "I'm sorry to hear that you don't think we are a real family. Fortunately, we do." Or comments about when you're going to have another, I'd answer, "It will happen when it happens." And tell people once that you're really tired of this conversation, and after that, just ignore or walk away when they bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this kind of your fault for not telling her?

It is , but we didn't tell her because that would make things more stressful. My mother is the type who would assume one of us was doing something wrong or offer endless advice on how she knew someone who just tried xyz and had a baby. and wouldn't understand why that wouldn't work for us.

Ok -- then stress about her making comments due to her lack of knowledge of the situation or stress because you assume she will make the situation worse with comments. At some point, you have to take the bull by the horns and decide how you want to have an adult relationship with your mom.

"Mom, I know we have been dealing with something that we have not shared with you. We did not want you to worry about us, especially me as your daughter. But we have been dealing with infertility. You don't know it but it took quite a while and a lot of medical intervention for us to have Baby Larla. We have been trying desperately to have another, but at this point we do not know whether this will happen. We wanted to bring you in the loop because you care about us and are so crazy about Larla and really want to have another grandbaby to love on. We really hope that happens, but we are trying desperately to deal with things as they are and appreciate and feel grateful for the family that we have now, including you as a loving grandma. We would like to deal with this privately, so would appreciate if you did not share this with anyone else. Thanks for loving and supporting us thru this. If we have any updates, we will let you know. Thanks again for being on our team."
"Mom, I know you love Larla, you want more little Larla's, if and when that happens, we'll let you know. Until then, can you cut the pressure, it can be wearing. I know it's from a place of love, but I'd rather the love came with more love and less stress."

One, this is a novel.
Two, OP's mom will interpret this as "OP and DH have been trying for years without success, so I bet I can be that fresh pair of eyes that will look at the situation differently and come up with some suggestions they haven't thought of." She'll make it her side-project to bring that much-desired baby into existence.

And forget about her not telling others in the family. Because this will finally be the explanation everyone has been waiting for: OP doesn't have baby #2 because of infertility!!

1) It's not a novel -- it's 2 different responses(1 where she addresses the infertility, 1 where she just addresses the current comments)

2)I was talking to OP, but thanks for the critical analysis

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had told your mom about the infertility and she was making nonstop comments, everyone here would be telling you you shouldn;t have shared that with her knowing her boundary issues.

Good for you for coming on here to vent. If you do have to say something back to her, say something about your family of three being marvelous now, and four and five and any other number would be wonderful too, and to please stop stressing about the next kid? That'd probably invite more negative speculation, but from what you say, everything short of another kid would result in the same.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH need to make a united front and tell mom:

1) back off, it's none of your business
2) a supportive mother should cherish her family unconditionally
3) a supportive grandma should cherish the grandchildren she has because many singles and couples chose not to have kids
4) probably nothing about the infertility issues because, given her past behavior she: 1) won't understand it; 2) will make you feel bad about it; 3) won't keep it private, so:
5) reread #1 and tell her again to back off

Unfortunately,OP, it's pretty clear that you, DH and child need to find supportive, unconditional love elsewhere.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. A bad mother can cause all sorts of psychological damage all through life, but so can a bad grandma, so make sure to censor her behavior/comments around your kid.

Try to have as happy a holiday season as possible.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is a problem of your own making. But yes your mother is obnoxious. It doesn't change that you are fundamentally doing the wrong thing - wrong thing if you are going to claim hurt. You are withholding the very information which is important for them to know. If they had it, I highly doubt they would hurt you on purpose. You know this (on some level). Get over your power trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this kind of your fault for not telling her?

No, because bugging people about when they are going to have a kid or when they are going to have a second, or suggesting that you're not a "real family" unless you have at least two kids, is always inappropriate. You shouldn't need to be told that someone is struggling with infertility to know that.

If my mom said that about the real family (which she never would, because she is a decent person), I'd respond, "I'm sorry to hear that you don't think we are a real family. Fortunately, we do." Or comments about when you're going to have another, I'd answer, "It will happen when it happens." And tell people once that you're really tired of this conversation, and after that, just ignore or walk away when they bring it up.

+1

Why is everyone acting like the "real family" comment is only hurtful because they're experiencing infertility?

[Anonymous]

Mom, we ARE working on it, but we're not discussing the details. I'll let you know when we have any news. Other than that, I'd prefer not to discuss it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is a problem of your own making. But yes your mother is obnoxious. It doesn't change that you are fundamentally doing the wrong thing - wrong thing if you are going to claim hurt. You are withholding the very information which is important for them to know. If they had it, I highly doubt they would hurt you on purpose. You know this (on some level). Get over your power trip.

Except, she's not. It's pretty clear that Mom has some major issues--she's absolutely not the kind of person I'd be sharing my struggles with infertility with. People should not make comments like these, especially not repeatedly. You don't need to know that someone is infertile to know that it's an obnoxious question, or that infertility is always a possible explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this kind of your fault for not telling her?

No, because bugging people about when they are going to have a kid or when they are going to have a second, or suggesting that you're not a "real family" unless you have at least two kids, is always inappropriate. You shouldn't need to be told that someone is struggling with infertility to know that.

If my mom said that about the real family (which she never would, because she is a decent person), I'd respond, "I'm sorry to hear that you don't think we are a real family. Fortunately, we do." Or comments about when you're going to have another, I'd answer, "It will happen when it happens." And tell people once that you're really tired of this conversation, and after that, just ignore or walk away when they bring it up.

+1

Why is everyone acting like the "real family" comment is only hurtful because they're experiencing infertility?

+2

The "real family" comment is obnoxious and hurtful no matter why someone only has one kid. And if my mom said crap like this, I surely would not be telling her about my infertility.

[Anonymous]

It took me over a year to get pregnant with our daughter. I was in my late thirties and married late, but had always wanted kids, and my very large and open family knew this. So when these very well-meaning family members (aunts, cousins, you name it) asked me questions about when were going to have kids, my stock answer was "Well, I guess I'm just infertile." That shut every single person up (not my mom- she was super supportive, thank goodness) and I never had to say it twice to anyone. Never gave a single detail and no ever asked for any after that.

Even though you're not close to your mom, I can't imagine that you can't say to her "MOTHER, we've been trying for years and I'm sick and tired to listening to you harp on and on about this. We'll let you know if there's any news, and until then, all I want to hear about my family is how much you love and adore us and our daughter." If she says anything else, just say "Stop. You're not helping." and walk away. My best friend's mom is a pain in the ass, and she has serious issues drawing boundaries with her mom, so I totally get that this is hard. All you want though for these people to stop harping on the issue, and you're going to have to draw that boundary or stop seeing them.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me over a year to get pregnant with our daughter. I was in my late thirties and married late, but had always wanted kids, and my very large and open family knew this. So when these very well-meaning family members (aunts, cousins, you name it) asked me questions about when were going to have kids, my stock answer was "Well, I guess I'm just infertile." That shut every single person up (not my mom- she was super supportive, thank goodness) and I never had to say it twice to anyone. Never gave a single detail and no ever asked for any after that.

Even though you're not close to your mom, I can't imagine that you can't say to her "MOTHER, we've been trying for years and I'm sick and tired to listening to you harp on and on about this. We'll let you know if there's any news, and until then, all I want to hear about my family is how much you love and adore us and our daughter." If she says anything else, just say "Stop. You're not helping." and walk away. My best friend's mom is a pain in the ass, and she has serious issues drawing boundaries with her mom, so I totally get that this is hard. All you want though for these people to stop harping on the issue, and you're going to have to draw that boundary or stop seeing them.

Good luck.

YOU can't imagine because you had a close and open family and a supportive mother.

You are 100% right that you can't imagine. That's why you shouldn't be telling someone how they can handle a toxic mother who is burying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took me over a year to get pregnant with our daughter. I was in my late thirties and married late, but had always wanted kids, and my very large and open family knew this. So when these very well-meaning family members (aunts, cousins, you name it) asked me questions about when were going to have kids, my stock answer was "Well, I guess I'm just infertile." That shut every single person up (not my mom- she was super supportive, thank goodness) and I never had to say it twice to anyone. Never gave a single detail and no ever asked for any after that.

Even though you're not close to your mom, I can't imagine that you can't say to her "MOTHER, we've been trying for years and I'm sick and tired to listening to you harp on and on about this. We'll let you know if there's any news, and until then, all I want to hear about my family is how much you love and adore us and our daughter." If she says anything else, just say "Stop. You're not helping." and walk away. My best friend's mom is a pain in the ass, and she has serious issues drawing boundaries with her mom, so I totally get that this is hard. All you want though for these people to stop harping on the issue, and you're going to have to draw that boundary or stop seeing them.

Good luck.

YOU can't imagine because you had a close and open family and a supportive mother.

You are 100% right that you can't imagine. That's why you shouldn't be telling someone how they can handle a toxic mother who is burying them.

Okay, fair enough. But I didn't read the original post as saying her mom was toxic, but that her mom makes hurtful comments to her regarding her struggle with infertility over the years while being ignorant of the full story (or at least an overview).

And yes, I can imagine a toxic family. I've got a fucked up MIL and siblings-in-law who are burying my husband, and me by extension, so I have quite a bit of experience with toxicity, thanks for asking. If OP's mom is well-meaning but hasn't been told that the things she's saying are incredibly hurtful and are pushing her daughter away, then perhaps it's time to make a stand and draw a clear boundary on what is acceptable for mom to say. Thus my advice. OP is certainly free to ignore it if it doesn't apply to her.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would not go into long drama. Next time mom says something say short and sweet. Mom we have been trying and I am not interested in going into it but next time you talk about so and so real family I am leaving. Good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took me over a year to get pregnant with our daughter. I was in my late thirties and married late, but had always wanted kids, and my very large and open family knew this. So when these very well-meaning family members (aunts, cousins, you name it) asked me questions about when were going to have kids, my stock answer was "Well, I guess I'm just infertile." That shut every single person up (not my mom- she was super supportive, thank goodness) and I never had to say it twice to anyone. Never gave a single detail and no ever asked for any after that.

Even though you're not close to your mom, I can't imagine that you can't say to her "MOTHER, we've been trying for years and I'm sick and tired to listening to you harp on and on about this. We'll let you know if there's any news, and until then, all I want to hear about my family is how much you love and adore us and our daughter." If she says anything else, just say "Stop. You're not helping." and walk away. My best friend's mom is a pain in the ass, and she has serious issues drawing boundaries with her mom, so I totally get that this is hard. All you want though for these people to stop harping on the issue, and you're going to have to draw that boundary or stop seeing them.

Good luck.

YOU can't imagine because you had a close and open family and a supportive mother.

You are 100% right that you can't imagine. That's why you shouldn't be telling someone how they can handle a toxic mother who is burying them.

Projecting perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for letting me vent to you all, and thanks especially to those who offered support.
Honestly venting here helped.
My mom is my mom. I love her, and despite what I wrote here she's not a horrible person, but like a lot of people she has a certain idea of family , and has no idea what it's like to struggle with infertility.
I'd love to be able to sit down with her and explain everything, but I know that won't work. Unfortunately, that's not my mom.