Telling your friends, or not?

[Anonymous]

I've told two friends. One that I meant to tell (her wife was going through treatments) and one that it accidentally popped out when I got over-emotional thanks to bcp

Like pp, my mother has likely told way more people than I have.

[Anonymous]

Someone once told me - once you have told you can never go back.

I remember this frequently.

[Anonymous]

True, once you tell you can't untell.
I have told only my mother and bother (and SIL, by extension). None of my friends know, although I think some of them have figured out by now that we're having trouble conceiving.

I haven't joined any support groups, but read the forums and it helps a lot. I don't see myself telling any of the friends ever.

[Anonymous]

I told close/good friends and my extended family know about my infertility issues. It's not hard to figure out since everyone knows we want children and don't have any since we have been married for 10 years. They know we did IVF and I feel that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it brings to light this whole infertility/IVF and in my cAse endometriosis.

[Anonymous]

I only told a few good friends and my supervisor. This was because we knew we'd only try a few rounds of IUI before going to adoption (which is what happened). I didn't want to hear the pity from others that we couldn't "have our own child" or the sentiment that adoption was a last resort.

[Anonymous]

We told friends. Turns out a lot of them had infertility issues too. Felt good for all of us to get it out in the open and support one another.

[Anonymous]

I'll echo everything the above posters said.

To tell: Yes you need some friends who do understand that you can talk to. I told a few people, starting with one friend who had already told me about doing IUI, so I immediately felt safe. She connected me with others in our circle who had also already confided in her, and we ended up with a small circle all going through the same thing (we all knew each other before, but she connected the dots).

To not tell: What you do not need are people who do not understand IF to talk to. The worst. You'll hear all of the trite platitudes--everything happens for a reason/just relax and it will happen/how about just adopting/use a surrogate/etc. Then you'll hear more judgy, even if unintentional comments. Here are some of my favorites-- ew IVF sounds so gross!/honestly, I just wouldn't have time for IVF I'm just so busy and my career is so important/which one of you has the problem?/I'm sure my husband would love me equally with or without kids.
Also, if you end up going through multiple cycles it can become frustrating that others do not understand the phasing and the significance of each step in IVF. Example-I had a friend who wanted to be extra celebratory after my transfer and insisted on calling the embryos my babies--not really acknowledging that this was still a long shot from being pregnant (and that cycle failed).

So, you must be extremely careful at who you tell. There are other unintended consequences that you cannot mitigate once you let the news out. For example, some people who know are extremely sensitive and make a big effort to shield me from anything I may find upsetting--so I'm the last to find out about someone else's pregnancy, which is actually equally hurtful. My experience with IF has absolutely lead to a level of isolation that is sad, but everything about IF is sad to be honest.
Good luck and baby dust to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everything the above posters said.

To tell: Yes you need some friends who do understand that you can talk to. I told a few people, starting with one friend who had already told me about doing IUI, so I immediately felt safe. She connected me with others in our circle who had also already confided in her, and we ended up with a small circle all going through the same thing (we all knew each other before, but she connected the dots).

To not tell: What you do not need are people who do not understand IF to talk to. The worst. You'll hear all of the trite platitudes--everything happens for a reason/just relax and it will happen/how about just adopting/use a surrogate/etc. Then you'll hear more judgy, even if unintentional comments. Here are some of my favorites-- ew IVF sounds so gross!/honestly, I just wouldn't have time for IVF I'm just so busy and my career is so important/which one of you has the problem?/I'm sure my husband would love me equally with or without kids.
Also, if you end up going through multiple cycles it can become frustrating that others do not understand the phasing and the significance of each step in IVF. Example-I had a friend who wanted to be extra celebratory after my transfer and insisted on calling the embryos my babies--not really acknowledging that this was still a long shot from being pregnant (and that cycle failed).

So, you must be extremely careful at who you tell. There are other unintended consequences that you cannot mitigate once you let the news out. For example, some people who know are extremely sensitive and make a big effort to shield me from anything I may find upsetting--so I'm the last to find out about someone else's pregnancy, which is actually equally hurtful. My experience with IF has absolutely lead to a level of isolation that is sad, but everything about IF is sad to be honest.
Good luck and baby dust to you!

Actually, I've found the opposite regarding pregnancy announcements. With three of my close friends, I was the one of the first to know bc I had been candid with them. They all told me in the 4-12wk range via email/text to give me space to process. They were all very understanding, even when I skipped all of their baby showers and sometimes acted weird. I am so grateful they all independently arrived at this strategy.

[Anonymous]

I told my best friend and my sister. That was pretty much it. One other friend I told a bit after we had been in the weeds a bit and I got a better sense of what I wanted/needed to talk about and what kind of reactions were easy or helpful for me to hear.

Online forums were a HUGE savior for me. The anonymity of that was terrific, and it allowed me to find a couple of other women who were dealing w/ almost identical challenges on a very similar calendar. That was extraordinarily helpful.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

I also think that most people do not really think it's a big deal.. it's a HUGE deal to us but really, it's not so much for other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think that most people do not really think it's a big deal.. it's a HUGE deal to us but really, it's not so much for other people.

+1. It's hard for others to understand the magnitude.

[Anonymous]

I told one friend. After she had two kids & we still had zero, I asked her if we could do lunch without her kids in tow. (Her DH was working a schedule where he'd be home. She didn't have to get a sitter.). Her response was, "If you don't like my kids, you don't like me." Literally. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Glad I didn't tell anyone else.

[Anonymous]

If I could turn back time I would never had told anyone. We started trying in 2011 (and were super open about it) and we still have no kids, so obviously everyone knows something is wrong. Some close friends know that we had two mc but only my family (mom and brother) know about the ivf and the five failed iuis. DHs family makes little jokes and we feel very uncomfortable around them. We will never let them know we needed to go through ivf to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I told almost everyone important. But I also do a lot of stuff with Resolve so I'm not ashamed.

Best thing I ever did was take a Yoga class through pulling down the moon. Not for the yoga -- I made 3 really great friends through it who were also going through IVF. The beginning of each session you talk about where you are in cycle. It made me feel so much better.

As for your circle, you will be surprised who comes out of the woodwork about IF. Most people were supportive and many had their own struggles. Also, people some people won't get it. Drop the subject with them and find another outlet.

Just don't be ashamed. If you treat it like a dirty little secret, it will get to you after a while. Depression, anxiety, self blame-- talking to others (maybe a counselor) helps put it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

If you tell friends, my advice would be to provide some guidance on what's helpful to you. If you think "how's it going" questions will annoy you, let them know. If you want frequent check-ins, let them know. After being super-private for a year, I decided to be open. It's been helpful to normalize things, and to just let friends know what types of shit I find useful versus unhelpful--e.g. when friends have brought up adoption, I've said, "yeah, that might be an option...but it feels kinda like me saying "I'm starving!" and a friend saying "you should learn how to play the ukulele"--a nice suggestion, but totally unrelated to my current quest.

I've found that one of the things that's so hard about infertility is being excluded from the "mommy club." Talking about how I've lost pregnancies, how hard this shit has been, etc., makes me feel a bit more connected to friends....and that's a good thing.

Good luck!