Telling your friends, or not?

[Anonymous]

Did you tell your friends about your infertility struggles? Why or why not?

DH says I should, but I have already told 2 and been disappointed by their reactions. I don't want pity from people who aren't going through this. And part of me is intensely private and doesn't want to have to feel like I owe my girlfriends (most of whom have one or more babies) regular updates on where we are...or aren't. Especially when it could take years. But another part of me feels like I am going to explode if I can't find someone to talk to who has gone through this. I don't know where to turn...DH doesn't get what I am going through and I need to find a listening ear before I combust.

[Anonymous]

I only told very close friends who I knew would be mature enough to handle it properly. You run the risk of people giving stupid advice or saying things that make you feel worse. May I recommend some online forums? I found really good support on the ttc and infertility boards at justmommies.com

[Anonymous]

Have you tried a Resolve group? I think Shady Grove also has support groups. I did not use them, but a friend found that type of support group very helpful.

I did not tell anyone other than one friend also cycling. I found her constant questions about how things were going (e.g., my betas, my protocols, etc.) stressful, especially as things progressed for years for both of us. I wish I hadn't told anyone, but it's hard to unring that bell.

[Anonymous]

I have varied experiences about telling and not telling people/friends.
I told a few friends who I thought would be okay. But I started getting unnecessary advises like "why are you torturing yourself with injections? Why can't you adopt?" as if babies on adoptions grow on trees. I also have to tell them that adoption seems an easy option until that starts getting your inevitable option.
I did not tell some people about infertility and I am happy about that sometimes and regret about it other times. I get tired of lying to people about my constant appointments. That's when I feel like just telling them the truth but the risk is about getting free advises.
I recommend online support like Resolve or other forums. You will find people who can truly understand you and where you can vent out.
Remember, once you tell your friends, there is no undoing. If you find success soon, it should be good. If you don't find success soon, it will be a pain in the ass as your identity among your friends will be "that friend who is doing IVF for a baby".

[Anonymous]

My recommendation is don't tell friends. For me online support groups were awesome.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell friends--they have no idea and will say all the wrong things and piss you off (my experience!) I get gems like, "Everything happens for a reason" or "friends" emailing me telling me why they think I have fertility issues ("you took birth control pills for too long!") and other stupid shit. Use forums like this one where people understand.

[Anonymous]

I told 4-5 friends. I only got one stupid reaction: "if you do IVF, have fun with those twins!" That was from a childless friend. My other friends (all moms) were very supportive. Most said that they wouldn't ask me about it, but to reach out at any time with updates, to vent, etc.

I guess it depends on your friends.

[Anonymous]

I told friends. Then I taught them what I needed. If they asked too many questions I would tell them, "It's super stressful to keep you in the loop all the time. Can you let me take the lead about when to talk about it?" They were totally understanding and just wanted to support me in the best way possible. I did also have to teach them about the terminology and protocols. But they were invaluable as I dealt with the ups and downs (and more downs).

But yes, be very careful who you tell. They need to be people you can have real heart-to-hearts and not hurt their feelings. Don't tell co-workers.

[Anonymous]

A big MC outed us, so most of our friends know. For the most part people have been supportive. One "friend" was a supreme ass hat and made a comment abt my weight. Friendship over!!

We are towards the end of our journey, so there's really not much to discuss/no updates to provide. We've just been saying we're the unlucky third of people ivf doesn't work for and we don't know what's next for us.

[Anonymous]

Online forums were my lifesaver.

[Anonymous]

I have told maybe 5-7 friends or so. People who have had struggles in life themselves (one friend who is still single, another friend who had a difficult MC) have been the most understanding. Friends who have gotten pregnant easily are the worst -- even if they weren't pregnant when you first told them.

An example: "Don't worry, we weren't one of those couples who got pregnant right away. We had to try for like 4 months."

[Anonymous]

No one in real life knows except for very close family and my boss (who is an MD). I find online forums far more helpful.

[Anonymous]

I stupidly, during our first, fresh cycle, told a bunch of friends whom we were on vacation with over Labor Day. We had relatively good performance through retrieval and fertilization and I was feeling bullish. After that first cycle failed I've played my cards much more closely. Frankly I've been withdrawing socially quite a bit. I'm embarrassed about the entire situation.

[Anonymous]

I told too many people. One of the people I told was a coworker who had struggled with infertility/miscarriages so I thought she would understand. She then constantly asked me, "sooooo, how are things going?" and anytime I ate a cracker was all over me - "any reason why you are eating a cracker????" And another friend I told who was going through the decision making process for IVF would constantly text me, "so, you preggers?" literally every month. And then was calculating how many frozens I had left and would be like, "one shot left, right?".

Can you believe this kind of stuff goes on?!!!!!! On the flip side, another friend I told was wonderful when I had my miscarriage. And during my IVF cycle when my DH was away and I needed my trigger shot, her husband (who had given my friend trigger shots through her cycles and is also a close friend) came and did mine.

I did join one of the free support groups offered by SGF and that has been wonderful.

[Anonymous]

I told two very close friends, plus immediate family. Eventually wound up telling my supervisor at work because of all of the appointments, and he was unbelievably supportive. I also found a fantastic online infertility community.

My mother spilled the beans to quite a few of her friends, so beware f that.