How to fix a marriage and get past a crush

[Anonymous]

OP maybe you are not marriage material. Because this is what marriage is. If you want passion, then don't be married. If you pursue this guy it will not last. After a long while you'll end up in same place.

[Anonymous]

Op, my husband and I were in a situation close to yours. He was involved in activities that I could not participate in (think Freemasons which don’t allow women) and a few other g-rated things that were not designed for wives and/or children. I found someone I was quite attracted to. All this is to say that I don’t think your situation is unique or that you are an immoral person. Here is what I would suggest based on our experience. First, do things as a couple and as a family. Do things you and your spouse enjoy, don’t worry about if your son will “like them” or “be bored”. So long as he is moving around, has stuff to look at, and has parents with him who want to be there, he’ll be fine. Join a religious group that meets most if not all of your spiritual beliefs and focuses on families. Look to see what they do in the community and who does these activities. If they read to senior citizens, see if it’s parents with children or if it’s a divorced dad who only sees his kid some of the time. I’d avoid marriage counceling and spend that time, energy and money on your husband and he on you. My husband enjoys the theater so we go do that. In my husband’s case, we moved to an area that was more family friendly. In our old neighborhood, there was nothing for families to do, no neighborhood pool, no children for ours to play with, the church we joined was more interested in serving the needs of the elderly and divorced, and there were no local parks, just a couple of dinky playgrounds that nobody ever played at. There was way too much traffic for our kids to play outdoors. I think that if you shift your focus from your son and put it back on the family you and your husband will be ok. You may still think the guy you like is hot, but you probably won’t want to act on it because you will literally have things to do on Saturday and Sunday with your husband and child. When you don’t have that, either because the the activities you want to do are not aviable, or your husband isn’t, other people begin to look like real good options. Be open to things your husband wants to do. Cuddle in bed with him, that usually leads to sex. Keep your weekends free so you can spend time together and invite friends to join you v. leaving your husband with the kid and going out separately. If you’ve signed your son up for soccer because that’s what you think you should do and neither him, you or your husband care, just don’t go. It’s better for all of you if you do things you all want to do then watch him pick flowers. You won’t fix your marriage if you spend time apart or “being happy by yourself” in order to have a healthy relationship, all involved parties need to be physically and emotionally present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has always been the place where I read and post about kid and school questions. I recently wandered over to this forum upon developing a huge crush on someone at work. I am married and have a preschooler. I have been attracted to this man for a few years, but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. This past month it turned into something more consuming. I haven't said or done anything inappropriate, but I want to with an intensity that is crazy. I forgot what it is like to feel so attracted to and turned on by someone. The feeling is amazing. He is not married and a very good hearted person. I don't think that he would ever cross the line with someone who is married. Frankly, I never thought that I would entertain crossing the line. He is in his last year of fellowship and might move on unless he becomes an attending. If he stays, I will have to move to another hospital or get over this.

Anyhow, this experience has brought into focus the fact that my marriage needs help and that I am not the morally upright person that I thought that I was. DH and I are good parents, but for too long our relationship has been on the back burner. Everything has focused on our child, but now I am coming up for air after those baby years, and we let it go for too long. I don't feel physically attracted to DH anymore. We are domestic partners rearing a child together. Our family deserves better. Where to start in this sinking boat? Marriage counseling?

You have received some very good advice on this forum on where to start rebuilding your marriage. Do it before you cross any lines. Believe me it can sneak up on you before you know it...happened to me earlier this year. My "crush" (EA) purchased something thoughtful one weekend and wanted me to meet him (outside of work) on lunch break to retrieve. He greeted me with a hug and passionate kiss...and over the course of the following weeks it blossomed into a full blown PA... So, just be careful... this was something I never thought would happen to me.....now I'm in a battle with myself...it only gets harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op, my husband and I were in a situation close to yours. He was involved in activities that I could not participate in (think Freemasons which don’t allow women) and a few other g-rated things that were not designed for wives and/or children. I found someone I was quite attracted to. All this is to say that I don’t think your situation is unique or that you are an immoral person. Here is what I would suggest based on our experience. First, do things as a couple and as a family. Do things you and your spouse enjoy, don’t worry about if your son will “like them” or “be bored”. So long as he is moving around, has stuff to look at, and has parents with him who want to be there, he’ll be fine. Join a religious group that meets most if not all of your spiritual beliefs and focuses on families. Look to see what they do in the community and who does these activities. If they read to senior citizens, see if it’s parents with children or if it’s a divorced dad who only sees his kid some of the time. I’d avoid marriage counceling and spend that time, energy and money on your husband and he on you. My husband enjoys the theater so we go do that. In my husband’s case, we moved to an area that was more family friendly. In our old neighborhood, there was nothing for families to do, no neighborhood pool, no children for ours to play with, the church we joined was more interested in serving the needs of the elderly and divorced, and there were no local parks, just a couple of dinky playgrounds that nobody ever played at. There was way too much traffic for our kids to play outdoors. I think that if you shift your focus from your son and put it back on the family you and your husband will be ok. You may still think the guy you like is hot, but you probably won’t want to act on it because you will literally have things to do on Saturday and Sunday with your husband and child. When you don’t have that, either because the the activities you want to do are not aviable, or your husband isn’t, other people begin to look like real good options. Be open to things your husband wants to do. Cuddle in bed with him, that usually leads to sex. Keep your weekends free so you can spend time together and invite friends to join you v. leaving your husband with the kid and going out separately. If you’ve signed your son up for soccer because that’s what you think you should do and neither him, you or your husband care, just don’t go. It’s better for all of you if you do things you all want to do then watch him pick flowers. You won’t fix your marriage if you spend time apart or “being happy by yourself” in order to have a healthy relationship, all involved parties need to be physically and emotionally present.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you are not marriage material. Because this is what marriage is. If you want passion, then don't be married. If you pursue this guy it will not last. After a long while you'll end up in same place.

What a load of BS this is. Nobody who wants passion is marriage material? Maybe you are happy in your passionless marriage, but others are legitimately not. You must be boring.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband! Deal with the problems in your marriage! Because (believe me, please) it is the space between you and your husband that is causing this attraction. By telling him you can start to bridge that gulf.

[Anonymous]

So the key for men, even husbands to getting sex, is to buy something thoughtful? Or to follow it up with a passionate kiss?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has always been the place where I read and post about kid and school questions. I recently wandered over to this forum upon developing a huge crush on someone at work. I am married and have a preschooler. I have been attracted to this man for a few years, but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. This past month it turned into something more consuming. I haven't said or done anything inappropriate, but I want to with an intensity that is crazy. I forgot what it is like to feel so attracted to and turned on by someone. The feeling is amazing. He is not married and a very good hearted person. I don't think that he would ever cross the line with someone who is married. Frankly, I never thought that I would entertain crossing the line. He is in his last year of fellowship and might move on unless he becomes an attending. If he stays, I will have to move to another hospital or get over this.

Anyhow, this experience has brought into focus the fact that my marriage needs help and that I am not the morally upright person that I thought that I was. DH and I are good parents, but for too long our relationship has been on the back burner. Everything has focused on our child, but now I am coming up for air after those baby years, and we let it go for too long. I don't feel physically attracted to DH anymore. We are domestic partners rearing a child together. Our family deserves better. Where to start in this sinking boat? Marriage counseling?

You have received some very good advice on this forum on where to start rebuilding your marriage. Do it before you cross any lines. Believe me it can sneak up on you before you know it...happened to me earlier this year. My "crush" (EA) purchased something thoughtful one weekend and wanted me to meet him (outside of work) on lunch break to retrieve. He greeted me with a hug and passionate kiss...and over the course of the following weeks it blossomed into a full blown PA... So, just be careful... this was something I never thought would happen to me.....now I'm in a battle with myself...it only gets harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband! Deal with the problems in your marriage! Because (believe me, please) it is the space between you and your husband that is causing this attraction. By telling him you can start to bridge that gulf.

Ehh, I don't know if I agree with this. Crushes are natural and umpredictable. Just because someone is married doesn't mean that they don't notice someone who attractive, charming, fun, smart, funny, etc. I don't think OP has true intentions on acting on the crush, but is probably taken aback at her feelings: if she is a married mom, why is she always thinking of this other guy? It's probably been a while since somebody has grabbed her attention like this, she doesn't quite know what to make of it, and now she's sort of dreaming of him.
I think this can happen fairly easy when the day-to-day of marriage is boring: work, kids, chores, exhaustion. Something new and shiny is always more exciting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I had a near miss with a coworker. Don't let your self go to social events with him where drinks are involved.

Hi honey!

[Anonymous]

OP this other guy burps, farts and has a dirty bathroom.

[Anonymous]

This is kind of hot. Where did you meet him? Where do you manage to meet for sex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has always been the place where I read and post about kid and school questions. I recently wandered over to this forum upon developing a huge crush on someone at work. I am married and have a preschooler. I have been attracted to this man for a few years, but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. This past month it turned into something more consuming. I haven't said or done anything inappropriate, but I want to with an intensity that is crazy. I forgot what it is like to feel so attracted to and turned on by someone. The feeling is amazing. He is not married and a very good hearted person. I don't think that he would ever cross the line with someone who is married. Frankly, I never thought that I would entertain crossing the line. He is in his last year of fellowship and might move on unless he becomes an attending. If he stays, I will have to move to another hospital or get over this.

Anyhow, this experience has brought into focus the fact that my marriage needs help and that I am not the morally upright person that I thought that I was. DH and I are good parents, but for too long our relationship has been on the back burner. Everything has focused on our child, but now I am coming up for air after those baby years, and we let it go for too long. I don't feel physically attracted to DH anymore. We are domestic partners rearing a child together. Our family deserves better. Where to start in this sinking boat? Marriage counseling?

You have received some very good advice on this forum on where to start rebuilding your marriage. Do it before you cross any lines. Believe me it can sneak up on you before you know it...happened to me earlier this year. My "crush" (EA) purchased something thoughtful one weekend and wanted me to meet him (outside of work) on lunch break to retrieve. He greeted me with a hug and passionate kiss...and over the course of the following weeks it blossomed into a full blown PA... So, just be careful... this was something I never thought would happen to me.....now I'm in a battle with myself...it only gets harder.