How to fix a marriage and get past a crush

[Anonymous]

DCUM has always been the place where I read and post about kid and school questions. I recently wandered over to this forum upon developing a huge crush on someone at work. I am married and have a preschooler. I have been attracted to this man for a few years, but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. This past month it turned into something more consuming. I haven't said or done anything inappropriate, but I want to with an intensity that is crazy. I forgot what it is like to feel so attracted to and turned on by someone. The feeling is amazing. He is not married and a very good hearted person. I don't think that he would ever cross the line with someone who is married. Frankly, I never thought that I would entertain crossing the line. He is in his last year of fellowship and might move on unless he becomes an attending. If he stays, I will have to move to another hospital or get over this.

Anyhow, this experience has brought into focus the fact that my marriage needs help and that I am not the morally upright person that I thought that I was. DH and I are good parents, but for too long our relationship has been on the back burner. Everything has focused on our child, but now I am coming up for air after those baby years, and we let it go for too long. I don't feel physically attracted to DH anymore. We are domestic partners rearing a child together. Our family deserves better. Where to start in this sinking boat? Marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

The grass isn't usually any greener on the other side. Hypothetically speaking if you were to pursue your passion and do something with this guy, once the initial crush phase passed you would probably be in the same boat all over again. Start couples counseling imo

[Anonymous]

The grass is not greener, I promise you.

Get a Saturday morning babysitter and go out to brunch with your DH. Tell him you love him. On Friday nights, don't do chores. Instead, have a drink and play cards together.

[Anonymous]

I've watched two sets of friends come back from the brink this year (EAs and serious consideration of divorce) so it is possible.

It's great that you are being honest with yourself before you cross the line of having an affair (or trying to). Next steps:

1. Serious discussion with your husband
2. Couples therapy
3. Think about what you want in life that you aren't getting and figure out how to get it while married to your husband
4. Carve out time every week to do something you enjoy
5. Spend time alone with your spouse every week (babysitters are easier to find and cheaper than a divorce)
6. Go away for a long weekend with your spouse
7. Reboot your sex life (with your spouse)

When you are in a marriage lull it's really easy to feel like you don't have time, energy, or money to do things-but once you're divorced you look back and see that it actually wouldn't have been that hard to get a sitter, and that all the time you spent sitting on the couch texting or watching crappy tv could have been time you spent building a real relationship with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

take some leave from work to get away from the crush. Book a vacation with your husband, or just a night at a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the answer is to find happiness in yourself, without looking for it from the crush or your husband. You're coming up for air meaning you've been underwater for a long time, too long. Find something that makes you happy and do it.

The crush is just an escape, a way for your body to feel like it's having fun. Give yourself something that's still fun, but less damaging. Remember what you did for fun before kids and go do that again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation...but 2 kids and a dog! I did not have an affair. I met my crush for coffee a few times. The conversation made me feel alive again, we laughed and it was a relaxed time. My husband and I tried counseling, arguments always came down to "being to busy"....we just could not get past that. We divorced. I'm still sad about this, mostly for our kids that their parents couldn't get their act together. I still see "my crush" a few times a week. We have become great friends. There's a serious mutual attraction, but we are enjoying getting to know each other instead of jumping into anything physical, because that's all it would be. In the meantime- my ex and I are getting along MUCH better. It's as if taking away the day to day grind of each other has rejuvenated our relationship. Who knows what will happen either way. I am a happy person. I'm still sad for my kids everyday. I didn't want to stay in a marriage just for the kids, but I understand why people do. Try counseling first. I hope it works for you.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I have read and appreciate the feedback. Lots of good food for thought... and action. If you knew me IRL, I think that you would be surprised that I was having this problem. There isn't anyone that I can talk to about this besides DCUM and hopefully soon a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Your crush doesn't have to pay bills and you don't care that he might never take out the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've watched two sets of friends come back from the brink this year (EAs and serious consideration of divorce) so it is possible.

It's great that you are being honest with yourself before you cross the line of having an affair (or trying to). Next steps:

1. Serious discussion with your husband
2. Couples therapy
3. Think about what you want in life that you aren't getting and figure out how to get it while married to your husband
4. Carve out time every week to do something you enjoy
5. Spend time alone with your spouse every week (babysitters are easier to find and cheaper than a divorce)
6. Go away for a long weekend with your spouse
7. Reboot your sex life (with your spouse)

When you are in a marriage lull it's really easy to feel like you don't have time, energy, or money to do things-but once you're divorced you look back and see that it actually wouldn't have been that hard to get a sitter, and that all the time you spent sitting on the couch texting or watching crappy tv could have been time you spent building a real relationship with your spouse.

\

This. Right here.

Your relationship with your husband is more important than your children. Seriously. I know it's a shocking statement, but you need to believe it.

So many of my friends have basically given up all "their time" for the kids. This is not healthy in the least bit. Parents need alone time - when they are not already exhausted - at least weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've watched two sets of friends come back from the brink this year (EAs and serious consideration of divorce) so it is possible.

It's great that you are being honest with yourself before you cross the line of having an affair (or trying to). Next steps:

1. Serious discussion with your husband
2. Couples therapy
3. Think about what you want in life that you aren't getting and figure out how to get it while married to your husband
4. Carve out time every week to do something you enjoy
5. Spend time alone with your spouse every week (babysitters are easier to find and cheaper than a divorce)
6. Go away for a long weekend with your spouse
7. Reboot your sex life (with your spouse)

When you are in a marriage lull it's really easy to feel like you don't have time, energy, or money to do things-but once you're divorced you look back and see that it actually wouldn't have been that hard to get a sitter, and that all the time you spent sitting on the couch texting or watching crappy tv could have been time you spent building a real relationship with your spouse.

\

This. Right here.

Your relationship with your husband is more important than your children. Seriously. I know it's a shocking statement, but you need to believe it.

So many of my friends have basically given up all "their time" for the kids. This is not healthy in the least bit. Parents need alone time - when they are not already exhausted - at least weekly.

Or stated in a different way, the best thing you can do for your kids is give them happy parents. You can't provide your kids with a happy, stable, loving home if their parents are miserable. Sometimes it's easier to focus on the kids than deal with working on your marriage but in the long run you aren't doing them any favors.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I had a near miss with a coworker. Don't let your self go to social events with him where drinks are involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same boat. Listen to all the other clear thinking people. I am not one of them right now. I have not crossed the line either, but pretty much every waking minute I think of what it would be like to. It's terrible. I am not that kind of person either. No one who knows me would ever expect that I was capable of contemplating it, let alone potentially following through. The attraction is so crazy strong. I know I should separate myself too, but I just don't want to. Ya, awful...but crazy addictive.

[Anonymous]

Since nobody has said it yet: You should make crazy animal love to him. He could be your soul mate, and how else would you know?

[Anonymous]

If you ever got involved physically or emotionally with this guy, your marital woes would multiply ten-fold. I promise.

First and foremost, address your marriage issues either as a couple or with a counselor. Then depending on the outcome, make a solid decision about your marriage.

Once you do, this will assist you in any future decisions on the romantic front.