how do mothers see women without kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think about it as long as disparaging remarks regarding children and parenting are kept at bay.

Ditto. But, I do find that my women friends who don't have kids tire of those of us who do.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, my childless friends are kind of sad or jerks, though that may be more reflective of me than them. Or, perhaps, it speaks to who they are as individuals rather than as parents or not.

One is bitter and depressed and truly dislikes kids, won't go to showers, etc. Another who had put her career first, now 50 & single, loves children but is lonely and needy. She'd be available every night if I didn't have boundaries. And a younger friend does not hesitate to give parenting advice. She's the most abnoxious.

You sound lovely, OP. How do you see yourself?

[Anonymous]

I generally assume it's a choice unless they are from a previous generation. I wonder if they are comfortable around my kids or dislike/"don't get" kids in general. It's usually quickly evident one way or the other. A lot of childless people ascribe typical kid behavior and lack of impulse control to poor parenting, so I'm likely to be more conscious of my kids' every move when we are visiting childless friends and family.

[Anonymous]

I see women without kids as...women without kids. It doesn't really register unless someone is vocally anti-kid.

I have a decent number of childless friends and it's a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

I see them as lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I weren't able to have kids. (We tried everything and then some.) At work, and in our circle of friends, the women with kids really have a sort of lovely community of sorts. How do women like this see women without kids?

Woman with children here. I haven't read the other replies.

I work in a smallish office, where people are very friendly and I feel like part of a community. I think a majority of us (male and female) have kids, but there are several child-free people (again, both male and female). Also, in my book discussion group (all women), most of the women have children but there are two who do not. And in my neighborhood, we have lovely neighbors, some who have children and others who don't.

How do I see women without kids? I usually don't think about it at all. If I do think about it, it is in the following ways:

(1) I might wonder if "Mary" wanted children and couldn't have them or if she is childfree by choice, but that is just very occasional idle musing and not something I wonder about much. I have never asked anyone at work, bookclub, neighborhood why they don't have children, and can't think of a circumstance in which I would ask (although I am close enough to some women without children that it wouldn't shock me if they brought this up to me).

(2) I occasionally think while viewing the vacation pics of a childfree friend on Facebook, "wow, when you don't have kids, you can really enjoy your vacation!" Or some other cool thing they do that would be difficult for me to do because I have children. And I simultaneously think, "good for them!" and "damn, wish I could do that." LOL.

(3) I occasionally wonder if a childfree friend is growing tired of a conversation about children at bookclub or in the kitchen at work, and will try to steer the conversation in another direction if it is going on too long and they aren't participating in it. (If, OTOH, the childfree person is actively engaged in the conversation about children, then I assume they are actually interested in the discussion.)

So, that's what I think, nothing more than that. I'm not sure if that answers your question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, my childless friends are kind of sad or jerks, though that may be more reflective of me than them. Or, perhaps, it speaks to who they are as individuals rather than as parents or not.

One is bitter and depressed and truly dislikes kids, won't go to showers, etc. Another who had put her career first, now 50 & single, loves children but is lonely and needy. She'd be available every night if I didn't have boundaries. And a younger friend does not hesitate to give parenting advice. She's the most abnoxious.

You sound lovely, OP. How do you see yourself?

That's the opposite of my friends. I have 4 very good childless friends, and they all kick ass. One is a god parent, two have traveled with us, one wants to borrow kids, and the other one is very fun with kids when she sees them.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the individual. As with parents, no two are alike.

[Anonymous]

I see that you made a different choice than we did or that you life played out differently. That's pretty much it. If you choose to not have kids - cool, that's your choice. If you tried and couldn't I feel bad for you in a way, and understand that things didn't work out for you the way you wanted them to. Either way, I hope you're living life to the fullest and using your time and money responsibly and for things that you enjoy.

My only kind of divide with women who don't have kids is that they just don't understand how hard it can be or the balance it takes. I know everyone has their challenges, and I can't understand theirs either. Parents, for the most part, understand each others basic challenges.

[Anonymous]

I see them as my formerly well-rested, calm self. I feel twinges of jealousy.

If I know of someone who had struggles w/ infertility who is childless I see them someone who should remind me that I'm one of the lucky women whose ability to have children is directly due to the advances of modern science. And I feel badly about any twinge of jealousy and wish I could give them the ending they wanted, especially with some understanding of the struggle they may have had.

[Anonymous]

I have experienced both perspectives. Was married for 10 years before having a child, and we waited that long by choice to have a child--I just did not feel ready any sooner, husband worked 80 hour weeks, etc. I must say that I found it extremely hard to find any semblance of community when I was a childfree married woman. I tried so hard to make friends, join groups, etc. but I really could not make friends (even with single or childfree married women) or create a community at all (we moved here not knowing anyone in our early 30s). I worked full time pre-baby and never made any work friends either. Husband insisted we start TTC when I turned 35 and we got pregnant right away. Now we have a 3 year old, I'm a SAHM, and it has been so much easier to make friends and find a community--I truly feel a huge difference. I now have community through moms groups, religious congregation and preschool. Most of my friends now have kids, though I also joined a hobby group and am making friends with women who do not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Depends on who we're talking about. I think for me it depends on a) if the woman wanted kids, if that is knowable and b) the extent to which she enjoys her life.

One example is an unmarried woman in her late 40s who loves and always wanted kids but never found a suitable partner, probably because she works constantly. I feel sorry for her because she is lonely and the ship has sailed on her having biological kids, but I think a lot of it was because she made the choice to prioritize her career instead of dating. I think she is a thoughtful person but she is unfulfilled by her career.

One example is a married woman in her 40s who desperately wanted kids but waited too long to start trying. I feel sorry for her, but never quite understood why she didn't want to consider adoption because it was so central to her identity that she was going to be a mother. I think she is a very caring, warm, generous friend.

One example is a woman in her late 20s who is married but who does not want to have biological kids because she or her husband has a genetic condition they don't want to pass on. I don't actually know if she wants kids, but she has said she is not having any (I don't know if that means they wouldn't adopt). I think she is cool and I envy her lifestyle, her free time, and her disposable income! She can go shopping whenever she wants, goes to bars and restaurants with friends, and can travel on the spur of the moment. Her lifestyle may change if her friends end up having kids as they get older, but right now it's pretty sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I weren't able to have kids. (We tried everything and then some.) At work, and in our circle of friends, the women with kids really have a sort of lovely community of sorts. How do women like this see women without kids?

Um, as potential friends? I mean, i don't see you as any different, really. It's like saying "how do you see people who have black hair?" It's inconsequential to what is important to me. I have two kids. I didn't want any. One was a compromise and one was an emergency adoption. Nobody would ever know from watching me with them that I didn't want kids. Nobody can know from watching you what your reasons are for your child-free situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think about it as long as disparaging remarks regarding children and parenting are kept at bay.

This

[Anonymous]

I see them as sad.