How do you know you're being strung along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was strung along. I started dating an old college friend, we both lived in the same city but hadn't seen each other for a while and got back in touch over the holidays. We were both single and sort of fell into seeing each other. But we went from one night a week to one night every two weeks and I think no weekends, ever. He would visit his mother on weekends (yes seriously) or be in group activities with long term friends. It was slow and painful and it meant we didn't have the chance to get closer, it just became more casual. I broke it off when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, realizing I needed more. He then stepped up to say he'd give me more, but it was too late, I was too disappointed and had other things to work on.

I don't think you know what "strung along" means. This guy just wasn't into you.

[Anonymous]

I was strung along for an embarrassing length of time when I was going and dumb...one of those on/off relationships where he essentially kept me hanging while he was out looking for something better. Then he'd find someone, break up with me, then it wouldn't work out with that person and come back to me, promising he had changed, he'd had a revelation I was the one etc. Blah I'm embarrassed it went on as long as it did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

And there we go with the uninformed cheap shot. You have no idea what's been done to help her. That we've paid for her continued education, or that I've spent 7 unsuccessful years encouraging her in ways to transcend this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was strung along. I started dating an old college friend, we both lived in the same city but hadn't seen each other for a while and got back in touch over the holidays. We were both single and sort of fell into seeing each other. But we went from one night a week to one night every two weeks and I think no weekends, ever. He would visit his mother on weekends (yes seriously) or be in group activities with long term friends. It was slow and painful and it meant we didn't have the chance to get closer, it just became more casual. I broke it off when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, realizing I needed more. He then stepped up to say he'd give me more, but it was too late, I was too disappointed and had other things to work on.

I don't think you know what "strung along" means. This guy just wasn't into you.

NP here who disagrees with you. The guy kept her hanging on rather than breaking up with her. Then he did step up at the end. Wouldn't have stepped up if he just wasn't into her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

+1

Yes it's everyone else's fault that people make shitty decisions over and ovwr. If only they did more for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was strung along for an embarrassing length of time when I was going and dumb...one of those on/off relationships where he essentially kept me hanging while he was out looking for something better. Then he'd find someone, break up with me, then it wouldn't work out with that person and come back to me, promising he had changed, he'd had a revelation I was the one etc. Blah I'm embarrassed it went on as long as it did.

Ugh, I cringe at my 20-something self who did the same thing. My on again-off again guy even called me at 2am when the condom broke with some girl asking me what he should do "because I was his best friend". I was just so convinced that he was 'the one' and that I just needed to give him time to grow up, get over his fear of commitment, sow his wild oats, etc. I was so focused on all the times he came back to me, I would forget about all the times he left me.

Trust your instinct...if you are asking the question "am I being strung along", you probably are!

[Anonymous]

I have been strung along, but i'm pretty quick to see it happening and get out. Honestly, a lot of people don't realize they're stringing you along. They may like you, they just don't like you enough to take it where you want it to go. I can't really fault those people. I would fault a person who actively lies and says, "I want marriage/babies/whatever" but has no intention of doing that stuff with anyone.

I'm a pretty secure person, so if a relationship starts making me feel insecure, I realize it's not good for me and get out. I'm pretty good at recognizing when something is unhealthy. That's not to say that I won't sometimes sleep with the guy later anyway, after knowing it's unhealthy. Sometimes I will. But in those cases, I'm going in with open eyes and it's no biggie.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP? If you have to write a post asking what it looks like, I can guarantee you're being strung along.

A partner should make it known in no uncertain terms that you are important to him/her. If they don't, they aren't that into you. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been strung along, but i'm pretty quick to see it happening and get out. Honestly, a lot of people don't realize they're stringing you along. They may like you, they just don't like you enough to take it where you want it to go. I can't really fault those people. I would fault a person who actively lies and says, "I want marriage/babies/whatever" but has no intention of doing that stuff with anyone.

I'm a pretty secure person, so if a relationship starts making me feel insecure, I realize it's not good for me and get out. I'm pretty good at recognizing when something is unhealthy. That's not to say that I won't sometimes sleep with the guy later anyway, after knowing it's unhealthy. Sometimes I will. But in those cases, I'm going in with open eyes and it's no biggie.

I agree with most of this. Some people (both men and women) just will not let go of one branch until they've got hold of another. I don't think it's fair or healthy, but I also think from their mindset, they assume everyone else does it too. To them, if someone leaves a relationship without their next "opportunity" in mind, if not locked down, that relationship must be absolutely horrendous or abusive or something. Otherwise, you'd just stay until/unless you saw if someone better turned up, because being in a relationship you're happy in is best, but being in one that only mildly dissatisfying is better than being alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been strung along, but i'm pretty quick to see it happening and get out. Honestly, a lot of people don't realize they're stringing you along. They may like you, they just don't like you enough to take it where you want it to go. I can't really fault those people. I would fault a person who actively lies and says, "I want marriage/babies/whatever" but has no intention of doing that stuff with anyone.

I'm a pretty secure person, so if a relationship starts making me feel insecure, I realize it's not good for me and get out. I'm pretty good at recognizing when something is unhealthy. That's not to say that I won't sometimes sleep with the guy later anyway, after knowing it's unhealthy. Sometimes I will. But in those cases, I'm going in with open eyes and it's no biggie.

I agree with most of this. Some people (both men and women) just will not let go of one branch until they've got hold of another. I don't think it's fair or healthy, but I also think from their mindset, they assume everyone else does it too. To them, if someone leaves a relationship without their next "opportunity" in mind, if not locked down, that relationship must be absolutely horrendous or abusive or something. Otherwise, you'd just stay until/unless you saw if someone better turned up, because being in a relationship you're happy in is best, but being in one that only mildly dissatisfying is better than being alone.

I never thought about it this way, but you're right, PP. The stringing along can be subtle--they're there but not quite there. They always have excuses that seem reasonable. They go along with things to some degree, but in key ways they don't initiate things. That's something to watch for. What's tough is that they won't necessarily admit to themselves that they're stringing you along, so you have to trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been strung along, but i'm pretty quick to see it happening and get out. Honestly, a lot of people don't realize they're stringing you along. They may like you, they just don't like you enough to take it where you want it to go. I can't really fault those people. I would fault a person who actively lies and says, "I want marriage/babies/whatever" but has no intention of doing that stuff with anyone.

I'm a pretty secure person, so if a relationship starts making me feel insecure, I realize it's not good for me and get out. I'm pretty good at recognizing when something is unhealthy. That's not to say that I won't sometimes sleep with the guy later anyway, after knowing it's unhealthy. Sometimes I will. But in those cases, I'm going in with open eyes and it's no biggie.

I agree with most of this. Some people (both men and women) just will not let go of one branch until they've got hold of another. I don't think it's fair or healthy, but I also think from their mindset, they assume everyone else does it too. To them, if someone leaves a relationship without their next "opportunity" in mind, if not locked down, that relationship must be absolutely horrendous or abusive or something. Otherwise, you'd just stay until/unless you saw if someone better turned up, because being in a relationship you're happy in is best, but being in one that only mildly dissatisfying is better than being alone.

I never thought about it this way, but you're right, PP. The stringing along can be subtle--they're there but not quite there. They always have excuses that seem reasonable. They go along with things to some degree, but in key ways they don't initiate things. That's something to watch for. What's tough is that they won't necessarily admit to themselves that they're stringing you along, so you have to trust your gut.

I'm the poster you're quoting, and I think the bolded is the kicker - they don't think they are stringing you along, necessarily. They just think that's how relationships work for everyone, that you're feeling "mildly disconnected" from one partner until the next one comes in and sweeps you off your feet. If that 'next person' hadn't come in, perhaps things would have improved for awhile with the old partner and they would have stayed with them.

I know one man whose relationship history was accurately (and in at least one case, literally) described as "the new woman's coming in the front door, while the old one's leaving out the back" by those close to him, and he was horrified when he heard that. He had never, ever thought of it that way. He was also one of those guys who got very serious, very quickly, with each new girlfriend, always characterizing as it as "what she wanted" while claiming he would have been happy to take it slow/play the field for awhile. He tried to pass himself off as a bit of playboy, while the reality was he couldn't handle not being in an exclusive relationship. FWIW, I'm not bashing men, here - I know several women who do this, too. The men just seem to try/be able to pass it off on "what she wanted" more than women due, because stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

And there we go with the uninformed cheap shot. You have no idea what's been done to help her. That we've paid for her continued education, or that I've spent 7 unsuccessful years encouraging her in ways to transcend this situation.[/quote

It's no cheap shot it's a comment on your negative attitude. Doesn't matter what you think you may have done to help her, your lack of respect shines through and if we can see that she is bound to pick up on it. It sounds like you have infantilized her with interfering also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 38 year old SIL is constantly strung along. It's so obvious to everyone but her. She is desperate to find someone to marry and she is repeatedly put in to a situation where she is waiting for a guy. Waiting for him to work on his problems in life, end his marriage, get over his divorce, his kids aren't ready for him to date, he's having health problems, and so on.
It always ends badly for her.

Sounds like she seeks out "unavailable" men. Some women do this. There's a whole cottage industry of therapists who deal with this.

PP here. Bottom feeders are the only ones that seem to give her the time of day. They're always full of problems. She's a 38 year old single mom, never married, never lived on her own.
Lives with her 65 year old mom. I am a believer that we don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. Until she's willing to step up and become something, her cycle will repeat.

And she is hardly likely to step up and believe she is worth more with relatives like you standing in the wings to cut her down.

And there we go with the uninformed cheap shot. You have no idea what's been done to help her. That we've paid for her continued education, or that I've spent 7 unsuccessful years encouraging her in ways to transcend this situation.

It's no cheap shot it's a comment on your negative attitude. Doesn't matter what you think you may have done to help her, your lack of respect shines through and if we can see that she is bound to pick up on it. It sounds like you have infantilized her with interfering also.

And the SIL's choices have NOTHING to do with anything.