Married with Feelings for a Friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be honest: there are men I have been attracted to since I got married. I just don't hang out with them or talk to them that much, on purpose.

+1

It's just something nice to think about when falling asleep at night. Stings a little, though.

And right there, you crossed the line.

That's not crossing the line, IMO

If OP is spending her time before falling asleep thinking about another man, it's taking away from her intimacy with her husband. That puts her in emotional affair territory. It's one thing to have those thoughts while taking steps to minimize them (i.e., not continuing to spend time with him), but it's entirely different to not just indulge them but to encourage them by continuing to spend time with him and dwell on these thoughts rather than trying to put them out of her head.

I posted the "pleasant thoughts before bed" thing, not OP. I'm prone to stupid one-sided crushes. I'd never act on them.

That is what many people say. Let's hope that does not change. Sadly, for many it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be honest: there are men I have been attracted to since I got married. I just don't hang out with them or talk to them that much, on purpose.

+1

It's just something nice to think about when falling asleep at night. Stings a little, though.

And right there, you crossed the line.

That's not crossing the line, IMO

Agreed. That's just real life. There is always still the what-if or the unknown, etc. exactly the type of thought I fall asleep to. Not saying it's ideal, but it is the reality for many.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't care at all if DW had fantasies of other men. She is married, not dead. It's called being human

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe what you have is just a really good, close friendship.

I think this too. I have a male friend that I think is attractive. However, the thought of actually being intimate with him is kind of weird. I have thought about it before, but I don't feel anything when I do. ...if that makes sense. I think when you have a close friend of the opposite sex, attraction is normal. For me, it's actually similar with the same sex. I think my girlfriends are attractive and I have thought about what it would be like to sleep with them, but it just doesn't do it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be honest: there are men I have been attracted to since I got married. I just don't hang out with them or talk to them that much, on purpose.

+1

It's just something nice to think about when falling asleep at night. Stings a little, though.

And right there, you crossed the line.

That's not crossing the line, IMO

Agreed. That's just real life. There is always still the what-if or the unknown, etc. exactly the type of thought I fall asleep to. Not saying it's ideal, but it is the reality for many.

Right? The thought police are people who either have a very happy, fulfilling marriage and are not left wanting for more passion, or are so insecure that it is a threat to even think about what it would be like to be with somebody else. I make sacrifices to keep my family intact...but take away my daydreams and all hell would break loose.

[Anonymous]

There has been one man in my life that I have avoided like the plague. We had such a strong connection. I had to stay completely clear of him. There was only one ending that would have happened had we become close friends. I have no intention of ruining my marriage so I stay away. I'm married, but not dead so I just have to manage these things whrn the come up out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

It's inappropriate if you can't tell your DH about it. If DH knows and could read all your texts without you feeling embarrassed, you are probably okay.

If you start to worry about acting upon anything, it is time to cut off the friendship.

[Anonymous]

You know, both my wife and I have some very good friendships with people of the opposite sexes. The key is that there is not romantic or emotional tension in the relationships. If you have that, as you identify, then it is important for you to decrease your exposure to this person until that emotional/romantic edge dissipates, not hope that it will. That type of tension builds with proximity, and dissipates with distance. The closer you are to the person, the more time you spend with them, the more the attraction builds as you have the interest but without any progress or conclusion. Continuing to maintain this relationship will likely intensify the feelings. So, you put some distance in the relationship, only see the person in group settings where there is a built-in protection against anything happening, decrease the number of times you spend with the person until the feelings pass. Once they pass, you can spend more time with the person and allow more one-on-one time with them when there isn't a danger of the physical attraction becoming an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, both my wife and I have some very good friendships with people of the opposite sexes. The key is that there is not romantic or emotional tension in the relationships. If you have that, as you identify, then it is important for you to decrease your exposure to this person until that emotional/romantic edge dissipates, not hope that it will. That type of tension builds with proximity, and dissipates with distance. The closer you are to the person, the more time you spend with them, the more the attraction builds as you have the interest but without any progress or conclusion. Continuing to maintain this relationship will likely intensify the feelings. So, you put some distance in the relationship, only see the person in group settings where there is a built-in protection against anything happening, decrease the number of times you spend with the person until the feelings pass. Once they pass, you can spend more time with the person and allow more one-on-one time with them when there isn't a danger of the physical attraction becoming an issue.

This is good advice!

[Anonymous]

When I got married, I did not go blind.
When I ride metro, I fantasize being with the hotties on the tran.
When I meet a new person, who is easy on the eyes, my heart races a little bit faster.
Monogamy is not natural; it is what you do when you are married.
Looking, fantasizing, window shopping are normal; it's what you do when you are married.

-a married female

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, both my wife and I have some very good friendships with people of the opposite sexes. The key is that there is not romantic or emotional tension in the relationships. If you have that, as you identify, then it is important for you to decrease your exposure to this person until that emotional/romantic edge dissipates, not hope that it will. That type of tension builds with proximity, and dissipates with distance. The closer you are to the person, the more time you spend with them, the more the attraction builds as you have the interest but without any progress or conclusion. Continuing to maintain this relationship will likely intensify the feelings. So, you put some distance in the relationship, only see the person in group settings where there is a built-in protection against anything happening, decrease the number of times you spend with the person until the feelings pass. Once they pass, you can spend more time with the person and allow more one-on-one time with them when there isn't a danger of the physical attraction becoming an issue.

This is good advice!

This is good advice, but every now and then the distance adds to the fantasy and the appeal. Sometimes, seeing them frequently as they are and having normal conversations make you realize that they are more human and not as awesome as the fantasy. I guess it depends on how close you are and what you talk about, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe what you have is just a really good, close friendship.

I think this too. I have a male friend that I think is attractive. However, the thought of actually being intimate with him is kind of weird. I have thought about it before, but I don't feel anything when I do. ...if that makes sense. I think when you have a close friend of the opposite sex, attraction is normal. For me, it's actually similar with the same sex. I think my girlfriends are attractive and I have thought about what it would be like to sleep with them, but it just doesn't do it for me.

This is the OP. Thanks for this. I can't really figure out which it is, but it sounds like there are others out there with this type of friendship because there's intimacy in any close friendship. It's what makes the friendship real and genuine. It's strange to have this genuine a friendship with someone who is the opposite gender but it doesn't mean that I fantasize him before I go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be honest: there are men I have been attracted to since I got married. I just don't hang out with them or talk to them that much, on purpose.

+1

It's just something nice to think about when falling asleep at night. Stings a little, though.

And right there, you crossed the line.

That's not crossing the line, IMO

If OP is spending her time before falling asleep thinking about another man, it's taking away from her intimacy with her husband. That puts her in emotional affair territory. It's one thing to have those thoughts while taking steps to minimize them (i.e., not continuing to spend time with him), but it's entirely different to not just indulge them but to encourage them by continuing to spend time with him and dwell on these thoughts rather than trying to put them out of her head.

Disagree. DH and I have sex at least 4x/week (a little much for me, but whatever...). Anyway, I think of other guys. It's what keeps it all alive. Would never cheat on DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could be your soul mate. You won't know until you have sexual relations.

OP this person is a troll, just want to make sure you don't take them seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP is not as slow as you PP.